Sean #11: What Was That Again?

The publishing industry has Rules for romance. The point-of-view character must be female; she and the love interest must meet within the first five pages. (Don't question; just obey.) The obstacle to True Love should be established just as things are getting warmed up. There cannot be a love triangle because someone won't get a happy ending. (Except for villains, of course, which are knocked off in the interest of True Love.) A primary obstacle might be overcome and celebrated with some level of physical intimacy, just in time for a new, more impossible one to be raised, and then the story ends with the happy resolution of the problem. And that's it. Once you're there, wrap it up fast. 

Established authors can try to break these Rules, but the smaller your following, the less likely you are to get away with it. The people who give us The Bachelor are acquainted with these Rules, and like most others, they feel free to break them at will. Hey--they've already got their audience. And generally, we're willing to go along with it: the wrong-gender protagonist, the same obstacle every time, the love double-dodecahedron. All accepted. Until the final episode, that is. Good grief, this last show is TOO LONG. They need to pay more attention to the "wrap it up" rule. It's the romantic equivalent of that interminable motorcycle chase at the end of The Bourne Legacy. Admit it: Most of the action happens in the interactions between the girls in the earlier episodes. Cocktail parties and group dates, folks. That's where you get the money shots.

                        

It's really easy to be distracted during this show. I, for example, was watching during a family birthday sushi party.

Not bad for a bunch of amateurs, eh? Did you know you can make spicy mayo for salmon or tuna rolls by just taking regular mayo and adding sriracha to taste and a little lemon juice? (It was post-sushi travel that made the blog late. Sorry about that.)

Oh, right. The show. The family visits are kinda surreal, don't you think? Perhaps my sense of it not seeming very normal started with the lunch table at Catherine's meet-up, which looked like this:

Nothing more natural than a bunch of folks sitting together along one side of a table, right? Kinda fitting, though, because that meal is always going to be the last supper for somebody. My primary takeaway from these meetings is that A) Sean's dad is a pushover for a pretty girl, and B) Sean isn't actually interested in anything they have to say. You'd think he was, by the way he started out by saying he hoped they'd have some clarity to enhance his clarity, and together they'd get some real clarity. But no, when Mom started to express some geniune, rational concern about him making any decision in this bizarre situation, he shut her down right quick. Let's be clear, Mom. You're just here for show.

No, what he wanted was for his family to just understand where he was coming from. Not for them to contribute any opinion. "What do you think" was intended as only a rhetorical question. Ah. Was this the "clarity" you were looking for? Not that that's a bad thing, truth be told, because this gathering is a losing proposition for the family no matter what. There's no established etiquette for how a family is supposed to respond when their precious boy introduces two potential brides to the family on the same day. (Though a few more seasons of  The Bachelor may provide enough of a base to establish one.) Favor the wrong one and you're estranged forever. Keep your mouth shut when he's headed for a bad and obvious breakup and you're unloving. In very few cases are the chips going to fall in a way that works out well. Best to fake a migraine on the morning of the meetings, enjoy the free trip, and go home without having stuck your neck out.

Cutaway to the live audience enjoying the show sitting upright in their fancy pants in uncomfortable chairs, roasting their toes in the flames of 10,000 votives in glass cups. The time spent covering this gathering is clear evidence that producers know there isn't enough entertainment to fill a two-hour show. Where does this audience come from? Casting rejects? Not entirely, because some of them are certainly outside the age demographic. Of course, so is my mother-in-law, now hooked on the show and still watching with this face:

"How can those girls help falling in love with that boy," she says, "with all those things he says?" She's not a big fan of Sean. Hardly a gentleman, saying all those things to all those girls. She thinks I'm heartless for not feeling sorrier for the girls. Perhaps she misunderstands. I'm not questioning anybody's genuine pain at the breakups. No, I'm watching in wonder at humans completely capable of falling in love and utterly incapable of understanding how the process works. Look, if you combine cake mix, eggs, oil, and water in the proper proportions, expose them to the proper temperature, you get cake. No one seems surprised by this. If you combine attractive, available people with elaborate dates, an unlimited candle budget, isolation, alcohol, and heartfelt conversation about hopes and dreams and feelings, you get love. Every time. So people who think they're SO special that their cake is automatically the only true cake just because it exists, well, yeah, I'm not going to cry a river when you don't win at the fair. You're trying to say you didn't know how the fair works? (That squealing sound is an analogy being stretched just past its limit.)

I mean, let's take Lindsey, for example, who tells Sean's parents that "Our relationship is real. It's normal." You've been on, like, five dates. Intensely abnormal dates. With a camera crew. Nothing about this strikes you as odd?

I'll tell you what was odd. Being the river boat tiller for their date on the Mekong River. Poor guy sure had to do a lot of whistling and looking toward the distant bank he's seen four thousand times while a foreign couple made out four feet away from him, under the unblinking gaze of a camera only a few additional feet away. I think this is where that relationship actually died, though. Baby Lindsey likes childlike play ("Let's make binocular hands and look around!"), and I can see the appeal of somebody who reminds you of your carefree childhood. And inflects up at the end of every sentence. And doesn't close her mouth all the way to make consonants. But there's a reason we all stopped playing pretend (well, most of us--live-action role players are the topic of a separate discussion). We're over it, and I think right about then a light started to dawn on Sean that he was, too.

As for Catherine's date, well, shucks. The one that scores the elephant ride is always going to be the winner, right? I realized on this date that I was starting to like her, too. Doggone it, she's got some substance, and I don't think it's just that after Lindsey anybody would sound thoughtful and serious by just ending her sentences decisively.

Question: Does the Neil Lane ring come with a contract that in the case of breakup the ring must be returned? Does their marketing budget include actuarial tables on the likelihood that they'll actually have to give up a ring permanently? Sorry. As I said, I'm easily distracted during this episode. Wait--gosh--Sean sure has a lot of confidence in his towel tucking capability. Sorry. Again. And can someone pass the eel sauce? We're onto round II, which looks like this:

Oh yeah, the show. Okay, if the elephant factor wasn't enough to predict who was going to win, the dresses should've done it. I mean, silver is for second, right? Gold for first? And flattering versus not flattering? My fashion sense is limited to making pretty decent picks on Project Runway, (and when I'm wrong, it's because the judges are out of line. Come on--that Jiffy Pop/emergency blanket dress last week? Are you kidding?), I will go far enough out on a limb to put in print that a wide plunging neckline is just never, never good. Nice shoes, though, and used to good effect in the end. You don't want to marry me? Fine. I can stop pretending I'm a grown-up and take these monsters off. Let the dress drag in the dirt. Who cares, now? Sticking one of these six-inch stilettos into your vitals is a tempting thought, but I'll restrain myself. Kudos on that, little girl. I'll excuse the unnumbered repetitions of "it's okay" as shock, and applaud "This hurts" as honest and straight and a sign that you're going to mature well. Crying "I don't want to be alone" afterward, though? You're twenty-four-slash-fourteen. Relax. Things will work out.

Finally we get to Catherine's Walk of Still-Unknown Triumph.

• First: Did Chris tell her she had to find Sean in the woods? She sure seemed to be picking around in the trees for quite a while. 
• Second: Opening with "I think the world of you," is a kiss-off if there ever was one. Catherine must've felt a gut-bomb go off at that moment. But all for naught. 
• Third: I loved Catherine's genuine surprise when the question she'd been waiting for actually came out. And I loved being surprised by how much I was delighted by it. As my daughter Cheryl put it as she defended herself for backing up to see it again, "I'm feeling things!" Her prediction? "I think they're gonna make it. I really think they're gonna make it." And with the lack of dithering about wedding dates in the After the Final Rose interview, she just may be onto something.

And at LAST we are delivered from Sean's season of The Bachelor. A better one than I expected, thanks to some gifted casting. And I like Desiree's spunk as I imagine the upcoming season of The Bachelorette. I'm picturing a special blog feature for that one: Grammy's takes on the bachelors. She's a single lady herself now. And being as she can't see the men very well, she should be able to provide an unbiased evaluation of character. As long as neither of us gets distracted.

Is that avocado and salmon? Give it here. And come on, who doesn't think Desiree's brother would make a fun Bachelor?

Sean #10: No, We Can't Still Be Friends

Finally, the always disappointing Women Tell All show, or perhaps more accurately, The Women Who Are Sean's Friends, But Not His Best Friends, Tell About Half of What I Want to Know.

We get it, okay? Sean's been looking for his BEST FRIEND. I wish I'd known how important that term was going to be so I could've started counting. Let's just agree he's said it a lot. He mentioned it at least once in describing his relationship with each of the final two women, and the lack of best-friendhood as his reason for jettisoning AshLee. But it sure turns into a different show if you describe it that way. "Week 7 in Sean's Journey to Find His Best Friend! This week? Labradors!" Honestly, though, within six months most Bachelors end up watching TV in a recliner with pizza crumbs and a beer can shoved into the cushion, scratching the head of a golden retriever, wondering what's gone wrong with their love lives. Relationships that start out at the Humane Society have a much higher success rate than ones that start at the Bachelor mansion.

Before opening up the kennels and letting the barking begin, though, Bachelor producers took a moment to congratulate themselves about what kind of cult following their show has by having Sean & Chris crash viewing parties. I love that Bachelor viewing parties are a thing. That mob at the sorority house was impressive. Fifty girls? More? I can't think of any other shows that inspire that kind of viewing behavior. Having Chris Harrison and the bachelor du jour crash in on me would be...a novelty, certainly. But given the way I watch the show and the kind of stuff I say, I'm afraid it'd also be kinda a buzzkill. But Sean doesn't seem to get that. Providing further evidence of his ignorance about women, Sean believes these gatherings of viewers suggest throngs of people are watching his "journey" the same way they watch the Olympics, cheering for his "journey" the way they cheer for Missy Franklin. 

"It's great to see so many people are invested in my journey," he says, "that there are so many people in my corner." You silly. They just want to laugh at the other women and watch you take off your shirt. And before you tsk-tsk about how catty women are, keep in mind that we'll do the same thing for a house full of bachelors this summer (starting May 20. Mark that.) With even more glee, in fact: I love watching how ridiculous these men can get trying to outdo each other in sensitivity.

But finally, back to the women. I hope everyone noticed that in the rundown of women, in the captions showing their names, professions, and ages, Kacie B's job still shows up as "Ben's season." Girl needs to hurry up and get a real job. That one's not going to carry her too much further. And I can't miss calling out Chris's comment that DEFINITIVELY proved true my claim of a few weeks ago:

• Chris (to Desiree): Did you anticipate the drama?
• Desiree: No.
• Chris (laughing): So you've never seen the show.

BAM! Yes, the worst-kept secret in television is out in the open. Bachelor producers know what they're doing. Casting the crazies ("black diamonds") is deliberate. This show is about entertainment, not love, as every female busting a gut at a viewing party can tell you. And the contestants are the only ones who don't know. Which is what makes it so wickedly entertaining. Genius, I acknowledge again. Pure comic genius.

Which leads us directly to...Tierra the Tierrable. First, obviously, when you want to talk about people, start by asking others to talk about them behind their backs. So the women were invited to discuss Tierra while she was out of the room. Chris probably nailed it when he suggested that having a common enemy made everyone else get along pretty well. With lesser competition, Amanda surely would've caused fissures, but nobody could be bothered with her. She disappeared in the glare of Tierra's sparkle. The women seemed pretty sure that the fall on the stairs was fake, as was the severity of the hypothermia. My take? They were real to Tierra. As was every perceived offense. As will be every future offense, every festered hangnail, every insufficient display of attention from the lucky man she's engaged to. Buckle up, imaginary friend. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Finally, enter the star of the show herself. Maybe her parents were right about Tierra's sparkle after all, because she's certainly more interesting than Sean. But her attempt to repair her image was unsuccessful. The girl we saw on the sofa--sidestepping reality whenever confronted with it, responding to questions by deflecting and arguing, making logical leaps that completely obscured the original questions--was exactly the same one we saw driving the other women crazy on the show. For example (reconstructed from notes. There's a limit to how much backing up and replaying I'll do. This girl is just too exhausting):

• Q: Did you expect you'd be "that girl"?
• A: Yes and no. I light up in a room. I bring joy into a room. When people judge me and don't give me a chance to have that light, they judge me based on what I look like, rather than the heart I have, the good family, my morals.

Wait, the-- what, the-- huh? Back to the question, please.

• Q: When did you get engaged?
• A: I don't want to comment on that.
• Q: Ahh???? (Even Chris can be rendered speechless.)
• A: January.

So..."I'm confused by my own story" is what you're stumbling over saying. Further proof: she said they got together after she got back. All stories up to now have involved him coming to St. Croix, coincidentally as she left the show. (Thanks, Cheryl--didn't notice that one as it happened.)

•  A: I had a target on me with that first rose.
• Q: That didn't happen to others who got roses. Why you?
• A: They felt I didn't want to be friends with them.
• Q: Did you?
• A: I didn't want to be friends with them.
• Q: So the feeling was justified.
• A: But would you go into a situation with them in competition and want to be friends?

Again, the question? Oh, never mind. Conversing with Tierra is like trying to unpick a single hair from the gummy mess clogging the drain.

Cameramen earned their pay catching all the eye rolls and significant looks the women gave each other while Tierra pled her case uninterrupted. But when finally unleashed to confront her, they made the classic mistake of believing that if you just explain reality, the crazy will be revealed and the perpetrator of crazy will admit defeat. Were they not listening to her conversation with Chris? When feelings are facts, the feelings are the only things that matter. When you feel persecuted, women talking to each other are automatically talking about you, no matter what their actual conversations might have been about. Perpetrators of crazy will never see things the way you do. Let it go, girls. Just pull the clog out of the drain and throw the whole mess away without quibbling over which hair did what.

(Sorry about that.)

 

Finally, she who cannot control her face or her eyebrows, who said she had nothing to apologize for and then found an unreceptive audience when she said she apologized, who learned about her sparkle when she was Little Miss Nevada, was excused. Phew. We are done at last. 

Next in the seat was Sarah, who we've been told repeatedly "stole America's heart." Anybody else feel as if we're being told we're supposed to love her more than we do? She's a lovely girl, certainly, and her story of hearing the same breakup explanation again and again is touching, but without the one arm I wouldn't remember who she was. My heart's not stolen. And now America is going to break up with her the same way all the men in her life have: We think you're great, you're admirable, you're an amazing woman, but we want to talk to somebody else now.

Next: Desiree. Ahh...she's great. Loyal to her family. Lovely and spunky and fun. Yes, she does look like Katie Holmes. And I didn't retain a thing she said. Except the general impression that she was being very light and breezy about how she was doing post-Bachelor, which does seem to be an expectation for future Bachelorettes. And I'd prefer her to...

AshLee. who's giving off the rest of the signs. New hair color, check. Overdone extensions, check. Looking like she needs a square meal, check. Rats. It's the Bachelorette makeover. I would SO rather have Leslie the Funny as the next Bachelorette, and AshLee at 32 doesn't have time to waste another year on an exercise in romantic futility. I really want her to get some help and end up with a better life than the Bachelorette will give her. However, she was most definitely NOT popular in the Twitter crawl. (Get over it! He's not that into you! Move on! Wake up!) Surely this is something producers know, so I'll hold out a thin thread of hope that they resisted the temptations of "Abandoned and betrayed!" and "Had her heart crushed!" and tapped the girl who will entertain me more. And who got no makeover and almost zero camera time tonight. Come on--you're making a funny show. Why the resistance to picking a funny lead? Sigh. I really am wasting my breath.

When AshLee says she's no longer in love with Sean, I believe her, but she's far from done with him. (Yet another reason to not dive straight into a houseful of men for a new relationship.) I believe her claim that Sean told her he didn't feel anything for the other two women. You'd better be sure she was listening VERY CLOSELY for those kinds of clues at the time. But I also believe he doesn't think he did. At that point, he was clearly living in the moment with each of the three women and professed himself as far as the Rules would allow, absolutely and completely, to each of them. Because this is what happens when one is living as (gasp!) a playboy. But my goodness, she sure had a lot of expectations about what he would have done after the breakup if he'd been a real gentleman. Good luck, future men, in guessing your way correctly through that list.

With that, and after a too-quick trip through the blooper reel, we turn away from the Not Best Friends and await the rest of Sean's "journey" to find his True Best Friend. Next week: Fetching! Agility! Obedience! And close examination of the quality of tail wagging. Closing credits, I hope you note, did run over pictures of the producer's dog. I think we're onto something.

Sean #9: Final Exams

I'm puzzled by one particular idea about love: It seems to be commonly held that love is like pregnancy. You have it or you don't. And once you have it, well, there's nothing you can do about it. From that point on, you are only a victim of forces over which you have no control. Infidenlity? Well, it just happened. You didn't mean to fall in love, but you did, and then...[helpless shoulder shug]. Finally figured out the object of your affection is criminal, addicted, abusive, narcissistic? What choice do you have? You're in love.

The problem is that no one seems to appreciate how easy it is to fall in love. A twelve-year-old can do it. Over another twelve-year-old. You've seen twelve-year-old boys. A creature surely only a mother could love, and yet...there they are: the girls. In love with love. How many seasons of The Bachelor have there been? (Wikipedia says it's the 17th, but the Bachelor claims to be celebrating its 20th. What, them? Exaggerate? Promote something as more than it is? Surely not.) How many solo limo rides? How many girls/women/boys/men have left in tears, hearts broken because they were "in love"?

Now we can add one more. One that fell way too hard, way too soon, based on way too little. We were worried about Ashley from the beginning, weren't we? All those trust issues that seemed to be all she could talk about? The way she decided to take down her abandonment defenses at the precise moment at which she was at the greatest risk of actual abandonment? The way she was so thrilled to say "I can trust!" in the middle of a cocktail party at which she was a guest with a half dozen other women also dating the man in whom she's choosing to put all her trust? Methinks she's proven to herself that the world is untrustworthy all along by putting her trust only in sure-to-fail people and situations. Poor Ashley. I can't make fun. I'm putting about 75% probability on her being the next Bachelorette (tragic past, heartbreak, learning to love again--you can see the promotions already), but I hope not. It's time for therapy, and then for choosing one of about 10,000 men who would be thrilled to take responsibility for that trust.

Of course, the problem may have been entirely that Sean said during the opening sequence that he pictured them living together in "a little house in Dallas." Silly. There are no little houses in Dallas.

But let's back up to see how Sean arrived at his decision. He said at the beginning of the dates that "Traveling is always a test." We heard this gem as he walked along a palm-shaded path in one of the world's greatest resorts in one of the world's most beautiful tropical destinations. Is there a trick to this test? Does it only look easy? Let's see.

Lindsey's test questions:

• How will you react to dyed chicks? 
• Will you eat a bug?
• How does our relationship stack up to the ones I had in high school?
• Will you let a monkey take food out of your hand?
• Will you be endearingly embarrassed about expressing your feelings?

Pass! It's a good thing we have tests. Such a useful way to prove everlasting companionship! Sean learns that Lindsey will do/eat anything to impress him on a high-stakes date and that she has a normal human reaction to cute primates. He says he feels like he's "with my high school sweetheart," which is "just what I'm looking for in a marriage." I would be super-interested in any accounts of your most memorable high school relationship and what it would look like with both of you at, say, 40, with two teenage children who hate you and a father-in-law whose failed business has required him to move in with you and a dog that has just shredded the sofa. I think he's got it right, though, as proven by the adolescent awkwardness she has about saying how she feels (as opposed to telling him, grownup-fashion, that the situation makes it hard to behave normally). The result? A lot of uncomfortable pauses, a bizarre performance interruption, and finally, a forced blurt in the fantasy suite: "Iloveyou." Blap. There it is.

I found myself pretty much alone last week in being annoyed with Baby Lindsey. Stickin' with it, though. And I can absolutely see Sean ending up with her.

Ashley's test questions:

• How many ways can you find to compare our date experiences to your own trust "journey"? (No right answer, and it's unclear whether coming up with more or fewer results is the objective.)
• How will you react to swimming around in the dark with me through a well-known cave with a TV production crew in full knowledge of where we are every minute?
• How all-in are you, exactly, with this one-sided and extremely risky relationship?

Fail! To prove you were over your trust issues and that they would not haunt us for the entirety of our married lives you were supposed to NOT TALK ABOUT THEM ANYMORE. Oops. Surely you can see the confusion. Nice work on the cave/trust journey comparisons, though. The cave is like life! It's dark and unknown! I'm taking a risk here! I'm terrified and uncomfortable! You have to let go to fall in love! As painful as it was to watch her leave at the end of the show, I take comfort in Ashley's unwillingness to be intimate with someone while there were "still two other girls out there." In spite of all the gushing about Sean being her husband and the love of her life, it's clear that reality had a toehold in there somewhere. I've always thought the one who gets sent home right after the fantasy suites date feels worse than anyone else. Heartbreak doubled by regret. I hope Ashley has been spared the regret, at least. Now to the therapy.

Catherine's test questions:

• Can you lounge around on a boat, go for a splash and snorkel, and then out to dinner?

Pass! Well, golly. Anyone could pass that test. I have, in fact. It's super easy. Maybe the question for Catherine was whether the Fun Girl could have enough fun on a pretty routine vacation day. Catherine's a gamer. If you want adventure, this is your girl. If you want the girl to still be there in a year or two...maybe not. (P.S./A.D.D.: I do wonder how Sean's keeping his strength up with all these dinners he's not eating.)

And now, the essay question! Please, in thirty seconds or less, tell Sean everything you want him to know about how you feel. Only, don't tell Sean. Tell some dude standing behind a camera who may or may not have showered this morning, and the prompt girl, and the guy holding microphone boom, and the girl squatting on the ground with the reflector disk. Go on, now. Stare into the camera as if you're staring into Sean's baby blues. Do it.

AAAUGH!! I hate talking into cameras. The wedding videographer, popping up at dinner, asking me to extend my good wishes to the new couple? Uncle Creepy, at the family reunion, wanting to record greetings for Aunt Annoying, who couldn't be there? I'll work the fringes at a bridal shower all evening to avoid having to give video advice to the bride at all costs. And now these girls are being told to be totally natural, completely open, perfectly articulate, and that potentially everything is riding on whether they do it well. At least, that's what Chris said was at stake. And Chris never lies. I mean, has he ever tried to mess around with the rose count?

And again, Ashley failed. Her subject? Her own insecurities, still, and the way she'd laid them ALL on Sean. She handled her heartbreak with the utmost dignity, and I hope she carries it with her into her healing. And that that healing does NOT involve a turn as the Bachelorette. But we should find out next week, right? The women tell all! Look for anorexia, extensions, and shocking highlights to identify the next Bachelorette.

On the subject of casting, though, imagine my delight on finding this in my Instagram feed (a screen capture of a screen capture, I'm afraid, but you should be able to figure it out):

Kate is still technically single, and therefore eligible for The Bachelor. Hmm...is Chris recruiting? Is some Facebook network responsible for the way Bachelor/ette contestants seem to all know each other well enough to warn each other about people who are "there for the wrong reasons" or have unresolved histories with their exes? I think Kate owes it to us to get some answers.

Time to weigh in! We've all delayed long enough sticking our necks out. Who ends up with the final rose? I'm sensing some Catherine momentum. Movement the last couple of weeks has been away from intense relationships toward the fun. The most fun? Catherine. Full disclosure: I'm TERRIBLE at picking the winners. The better money is away from whatever I've picked. So call it!

Sean #8: Taking the Bad with the Good

 My friend Landee gave me a present yesterday:

She knows me quite well. She knows I don't keep up on the news the way I should if I want to be a serious gossip blogger. Honestly, though, I don't. I'm way too lazy. (And it's not the gossip I'm actually interested in, anyway.) She, therefore--a polished, disciplined, and professional blogger--does my work for me. Allow me to illustrate. This is her mantle, or it was leading into Valentine's day. I'm sure she's already cleaned it up and gotten to work on Easter:

And yes, she made everything on it. (Instructions here.) This is mine, after I put away my Christmas decorations on Saturday:

It seemed like a good place to store some cookbooks. The candles are what I call "decorating." And yes, that is pasta in a jar. It makes a good bookend.

Clearly, this is a symbiotic relationship. Or it will be, as soon as I figure out what I contribute. Which is pretty much what we have going on with The Bachelor, right? The girls say "Oh, let me be your cleaner wrasse, and I'll swim along with you on a misty princess adventure over and under the coral rainbows! I'll clean out your gills and under your fins, and you won't eat me! And you'll make sure our life stays just like this, except without the other women, and it'll last forever! Only now you have to do it without ABC's money, or helicopters, or free use of world-class resorts. K?"

But now it's time for hometown dates, and a dose of reality: "I'll be your cleaner wrasse, and I'll swim along with you on a misty princess adventure you'll provide for me but you also have to take my everyday life and almighty freaky family (taxidermy, anyone? mortuary science? volatile brothers?), any number of whom may or may not move in with us forever, K?"

But I see no reason why I, at least, should not profit from a one-sided relationship a little longer. So before we launch into this week, here's the news I've gleaned from other people:

First, as the magazine cover says, Sean is not going to (spoiler!) give it up on the fantasy suite dates. Admirable. Especially given that inside the magazine I learned that the average Bachelor has sex with three women (anonymous sources, obvs). Are we keeping a list of reasons why these relationships don't work? And yet every one of them thinks he or she will be the curve breaker. Currently single Ali, when asked whether she'd consider doing The Bachelorette again, says "Never. I think it’s a great experience, but you learn from the first time."* Really? You need a first time? I think I've got it pretty well figured out on my own.

*Original research. I'm not a complete sponge.

Second, Tierra says she's engaged. By some remarkable coincidence that she believed would make her the winner of last week's Bachelor news cycle, a man she broke up with just before the show chose the precise moment of Sean's dismissal to show up on St. Croix and declare he wanted her back. Men love her. So...she never was really into Sean. Pff. Totally not. This is the real love. (Would she have left through the bushes if he'd shown up a day or two sooner? That kind of real?) Her brother says she's known this guy for "three or four years" and that they had a bad breakup just before The Bachelor. Hmm. I recall her also saying she dated a drug addict for five years. She's 24. My math produces some disturbing results and affirms that she does need to be at the center of someone's attention every minute. But at any rate, she's probably figuring out about now that an engagement will preclude her from being on Bachelor Pad, so this inevitable breakup may have a time fuse on it.

Enough background. To the dates! First, off to Houston and AshLee. (The convenience of the geography can't be lost on the Dallas boy. Or the preacher-parent connection. Come on.) I loved her mother's shocked-eyes reaction as AshLee started to paint in details of the dates, including that she'd "rolled around on the sand" with this boy. TMI for the parents, m'dear. You want them to flip the tables and tell you what they've been up to while you were away? All those shady, grassy fields? But, showing slightly more discretion than that, Ashley's dad only asks Sean, "Do you love my daughter?" NOOO! Does he know NOTHING about the Rules? Very helpful Lindsay (reader, not Bachelorette) told me last week that the "don't yell and hold up your hand" sign means, "unemployed are prohibited," which is the Croatian way to say "staff only." Ashley's dad has strayed over the fence! Not an employee! A rule-breaker! As best I can piece together, the list of approved Bachelor phrases includes "I adore," "I'm crazy about," and "I think the world of." (Ouch.) "Love" may only be used in conjunction with actions or objects: "I love spending time with," "I love the way you,"  "I love your." These are Rules. How do I know? The "love" rule is the only one no one can say. Fake rules (traveling separately, imposing the actual penalty on a team challenge, giving out roses only at the end of the cocktail party) are announced when they're broken so we think whatever's going on is groundbreaking and downright naughty. Real rules (don't say "I love" with the direct object being a proper noun or pronoun) are so solemn they can't be spoken. That's why you get Sean awkwardly waffling around without just saying "You know I can't say that."

Finally, though, I actually am willing to be seduced by sincerity. Hearing her dad tell the story of falling in love with this frightened little girl gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to grow up with that story framing your childhood. "I chose you out of the whole world because to me, you are the most precious thing in it." Perhaps the reason she is still single at 32 is not, as Tierra suggests, because something's wrong with her, or because as she suggests, she has a fear of abandonment, but because her standard of love is so high. Would that everyone's was. I have to tell you, I got a wrong number call during this part of the show, from a child I could barely understand, but it sounded as if he thought he thought he was calling his mom, and wanted her to come home, and he was scared and couldn't sleep. Could've been the worst possible moment to have to say, "Oh, honey, you called the wrong number. You try to call your mom again." Parents, love the stuffing out of your children. That's all I have to say about that.

Catherine: Seattle has done well on TV this season. Top Chef managed to get nothing but sunny days, and now Sean shows up when--ta-da!--the sun is shining. I wonder if they were there at the same time. If The Bachelor were on NBC you can be darn sure they'd make it happen. Imagine! A Bachelor date where people actually eat the food!

Coming into the date, I didn't have much of a handle on Catherine, but at home everything snapped into focus. Catherine has clearly been less emotionally invested than the other girls, which on balance is a healthy thing, but in her case it may be that bouncing along on top of the water having fun is about as deep as she ever goes. Doing The Bachelor, going fun places and having fun adventures, has been, well, fun. Requirement #1 for a successful relationship in her book, check. The sisters painted the outline, and Mom, standing at the kitchen sink with a wadded-up paper towel as if Sean just wandered in and interrupted dish washing, filled in the color. Yeah, you're here. So what? One boy, another boy, it doesn't make any difference. "Do you  have any other questions for me?" she asks, as Sean stands there dumbfounded, wondering whether he should offer to dry. She doesn't seem worried about her daughter having her heart broken or going into a bad marriage. It says a lot that she can't stir up the slightest concern, or a show of acceptance, or rejection, or something. What would happen if Sean were to ask Catherine to marry him? Shoulder shrug. "You have to mull it over, you have three other ladies to meet, and we'll see what happens." Whatever. Fine. Propose. Catherine will say yes, the same way she says yes to an invitation to go water skiing. It doesn't mean anything.


Lindsay: I was bored with this date. What is it about little-girl women for certain men? Giggling! Eating cupcakes! Smashing frosting in each other's faces! Speaking without your lips ever meeting! At home, Generalismo Dad managed to reason himself through the idea that giving your blessing is essentially delegating authority to make a decision, so...go ahead, I guess. And Sean thinks that's awesome and really means something.

Desiree: Personally, I hate pranks. And through the whole boyfriend-barging-in thing I kept thinking "What idiot walks up to his girlfriend's house for this conversation past lights and trucks and a camera crew?" I was a lot more interested in Des's house and how it was paid for. This is the daughter of the trailer people, so it isn't Mommy & Daddy's money. And she's a "bridal stylist." Yet here's this really nice place, in expensive Los Angeles, really nicely appointed with great furniture and fixtures and appliances, this wall of unexplained certificates or diplomas, a cello in the corner...wait. This girl's story is WAY more interesting than anybody has let on. I'm intrigued. And now it's too late.

Perhaps Sean's first problem with the trashy brother (Chain tattoo. Nice.) was when he pushed back from the table and asked, "Can we talk?" Sean answered, "Yeah, buddy." Guys you can picture in a mug shot probably don't go for being called "buddy." But they DO like to make a scene on television. For me, though, it was Sean making the bigger scene. He was horrified, mortified, mortally offended to be accused of being a playboy. How DARE you!! Here's the deal: You are what you do. Sean knows himself to be a good Christian, honest, thoughtful, thrifty, brave, whatever. On the inside, that is. Sean perhaps does not see himself well from the outside, in which he's dating and making out with four girls at once. That is the DEFINITION of a playboy. Hey, you wanna play you gotta pay, buddy. And yeah, I meant buddy.

Finally, to the rose ceremony. or more accurately, the help-me-out-bro conversation with Chris Harrison, where Sean confessed he had no idea what to do. Things weren't great with Des, he said, and Catherine "has big goals with her career." What? This is the first we're hearing of a compelling career drive, and I'm a bit unclear how graphic design could threaten a relationship. Chris's helpful advice? "Well, you have a big decision to make." Unspoken? "And there's rules, so...you gotta send somebody packing before we have to pay overtime to the crew. Tough to be you, pal." Thanks a lot, Chris.

At the rose ceremony, did Des break a Rule by asking to talk to him? I think so, because 6-7 camera people had to shuffle out of the way for them to sit down. (Yes, we did back up and count.) That brief conversation accomplished, Sean made it through only the two easy roses (AshLee and Baby Lindsay) before getting stuck again, panicking, and fleeing. Send out the bat signal for Chris! Surely he can help, or suggest a way out, or something! Chris broke away from knocking back M&Ms at the craft services table to come back and offer this sage advice: "Get this right." I have to credit Sean with not shouting back "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!" And with also taking the best path I've found for making tough decisions: Which decision would I regret? In his case, it's "Who will I miss the most?" Wise. Still, his decision to keep Catherine surprised me. I would've thought there was enough connection with Des (note the magazine cover, in which there's the two of them and everybody else) would've been enough to override a single bad day, but who can explain the mysterious wonders of symbiosis? I mean, who'd'a thought these two would end up together?

I'm looking forward to Sean Tells All tonight. Looks like they just had SO much Tierra footage they couldn't fit it all into the regular agenda and scheduled an extra show. Should be amusing!

P.S. And if you're wondering about the ways in which Stars! They're Just Like Us! this week, They Get Their Sugar Fix! They Suit Up to Cycle! They Deliver Healthy Treats! They Jog with Their Dogs! They Jam Out! They Get Blow-Dried! and They Visit Amusement Parks! Way to stay relevant, Us Weekly. And to find a place for otherwise throwaway paparazzi pictures.