Sean #8: Taking the Bad with the Good

 My friend Landee gave me a present yesterday:

She knows me quite well. She knows I don't keep up on the news the way I should if I want to be a serious gossip blogger. Honestly, though, I don't. I'm way too lazy. (And it's not the gossip I'm actually interested in, anyway.) She, therefore--a polished, disciplined, and professional blogger--does my work for me. Allow me to illustrate. This is her mantle, or it was leading into Valentine's day. I'm sure she's already cleaned it up and gotten to work on Easter:

And yes, she made everything on it. (Instructions here.) This is mine, after I put away my Christmas decorations on Saturday:

It seemed like a good place to store some cookbooks. The candles are what I call "decorating." And yes, that is pasta in a jar. It makes a good bookend.

Clearly, this is a symbiotic relationship. Or it will be, as soon as I figure out what I contribute. Which is pretty much what we have going on with The Bachelor, right? The girls say "Oh, let me be your cleaner wrasse, and I'll swim along with you on a misty princess adventure over and under the coral rainbows! I'll clean out your gills and under your fins, and you won't eat me! And you'll make sure our life stays just like this, except without the other women, and it'll last forever! Only now you have to do it without ABC's money, or helicopters, or free use of world-class resorts. K?"

But now it's time for hometown dates, and a dose of reality: "I'll be your cleaner wrasse, and I'll swim along with you on a misty princess adventure you'll provide for me but you also have to take my everyday life and almighty freaky family (taxidermy, anyone? mortuary science? volatile brothers?), any number of whom may or may not move in with us forever, K?"

But I see no reason why I, at least, should not profit from a one-sided relationship a little longer. So before we launch into this week, here's the news I've gleaned from other people:

First, as the magazine cover says, Sean is not going to (spoiler!) give it up on the fantasy suite dates. Admirable. Especially given that inside the magazine I learned that the average Bachelor has sex with three women (anonymous sources, obvs). Are we keeping a list of reasons why these relationships don't work? And yet every one of them thinks he or she will be the curve breaker. Currently single Ali, when asked whether she'd consider doing The Bachelorette again, says "Never. I think it’s a great experience, but you learn from the first time."* Really? You need a first time? I think I've got it pretty well figured out on my own.

*Original research. I'm not a complete sponge.

Second, Tierra says she's engaged. By some remarkable coincidence that she believed would make her the winner of last week's Bachelor news cycle, a man she broke up with just before the show chose the precise moment of Sean's dismissal to show up on St. Croix and declare he wanted her back. Men love her. So...she never was really into Sean. Pff. Totally not. This is the real love. (Would she have left through the bushes if he'd shown up a day or two sooner? That kind of real?) Her brother says she's known this guy for "three or four years" and that they had a bad breakup just before The Bachelor. Hmm. I recall her also saying she dated a drug addict for five years. She's 24. My math produces some disturbing results and affirms that she does need to be at the center of someone's attention every minute. But at any rate, she's probably figuring out about now that an engagement will preclude her from being on Bachelor Pad, so this inevitable breakup may have a time fuse on it.

Enough background. To the dates! First, off to Houston and AshLee. (The convenience of the geography can't be lost on the Dallas boy. Or the preacher-parent connection. Come on.) I loved her mother's shocked-eyes reaction as AshLee started to paint in details of the dates, including that she'd "rolled around on the sand" with this boy. TMI for the parents, m'dear. You want them to flip the tables and tell you what they've been up to while you were away? All those shady, grassy fields? But, showing slightly more discretion than that, Ashley's dad only asks Sean, "Do you love my daughter?" NOOO! Does he know NOTHING about the Rules? Very helpful Lindsay (reader, not Bachelorette) told me last week that the "don't yell and hold up your hand" sign means, "unemployed are prohibited," which is the Croatian way to say "staff only." Ashley's dad has strayed over the fence! Not an employee! A rule-breaker! As best I can piece together, the list of approved Bachelor phrases includes "I adore," "I'm crazy about," and "I think the world of." (Ouch.) "Love" may only be used in conjunction with actions or objects: "I love spending time with," "I love the way you,"  "I love your." These are Rules. How do I know? The "love" rule is the only one no one can say. Fake rules (traveling separately, imposing the actual penalty on a team challenge, giving out roses only at the end of the cocktail party) are announced when they're broken so we think whatever's going on is groundbreaking and downright naughty. Real rules (don't say "I love" with the direct object being a proper noun or pronoun) are so solemn they can't be spoken. That's why you get Sean awkwardly waffling around without just saying "You know I can't say that."

Finally, though, I actually am willing to be seduced by sincerity. Hearing her dad tell the story of falling in love with this frightened little girl gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to grow up with that story framing your childhood. "I chose you out of the whole world because to me, you are the most precious thing in it." Perhaps the reason she is still single at 32 is not, as Tierra suggests, because something's wrong with her, or because as she suggests, she has a fear of abandonment, but because her standard of love is so high. Would that everyone's was. I have to tell you, I got a wrong number call during this part of the show, from a child I could barely understand, but it sounded as if he thought he thought he was calling his mom, and wanted her to come home, and he was scared and couldn't sleep. Could've been the worst possible moment to have to say, "Oh, honey, you called the wrong number. You try to call your mom again." Parents, love the stuffing out of your children. That's all I have to say about that.

Catherine: Seattle has done well on TV this season. Top Chef managed to get nothing but sunny days, and now Sean shows up when--ta-da!--the sun is shining. I wonder if they were there at the same time. If The Bachelor were on NBC you can be darn sure they'd make it happen. Imagine! A Bachelor date where people actually eat the food!

Coming into the date, I didn't have much of a handle on Catherine, but at home everything snapped into focus. Catherine has clearly been less emotionally invested than the other girls, which on balance is a healthy thing, but in her case it may be that bouncing along on top of the water having fun is about as deep as she ever goes. Doing The Bachelor, going fun places and having fun adventures, has been, well, fun. Requirement #1 for a successful relationship in her book, check. The sisters painted the outline, and Mom, standing at the kitchen sink with a wadded-up paper towel as if Sean just wandered in and interrupted dish washing, filled in the color. Yeah, you're here. So what? One boy, another boy, it doesn't make any difference. "Do you  have any other questions for me?" she asks, as Sean stands there dumbfounded, wondering whether he should offer to dry. She doesn't seem worried about her daughter having her heart broken or going into a bad marriage. It says a lot that she can't stir up the slightest concern, or a show of acceptance, or rejection, or something. What would happen if Sean were to ask Catherine to marry him? Shoulder shrug. "You have to mull it over, you have three other ladies to meet, and we'll see what happens." Whatever. Fine. Propose. Catherine will say yes, the same way she says yes to an invitation to go water skiing. It doesn't mean anything.


Lindsay: I was bored with this date. What is it about little-girl women for certain men? Giggling! Eating cupcakes! Smashing frosting in each other's faces! Speaking without your lips ever meeting! At home, Generalismo Dad managed to reason himself through the idea that giving your blessing is essentially delegating authority to make a decision, so...go ahead, I guess. And Sean thinks that's awesome and really means something.

Desiree: Personally, I hate pranks. And through the whole boyfriend-barging-in thing I kept thinking "What idiot walks up to his girlfriend's house for this conversation past lights and trucks and a camera crew?" I was a lot more interested in Des's house and how it was paid for. This is the daughter of the trailer people, so it isn't Mommy & Daddy's money. And she's a "bridal stylist." Yet here's this really nice place, in expensive Los Angeles, really nicely appointed with great furniture and fixtures and appliances, this wall of unexplained certificates or diplomas, a cello in the corner...wait. This girl's story is WAY more interesting than anybody has let on. I'm intrigued. And now it's too late.

Perhaps Sean's first problem with the trashy brother (Chain tattoo. Nice.) was when he pushed back from the table and asked, "Can we talk?" Sean answered, "Yeah, buddy." Guys you can picture in a mug shot probably don't go for being called "buddy." But they DO like to make a scene on television. For me, though, it was Sean making the bigger scene. He was horrified, mortified, mortally offended to be accused of being a playboy. How DARE you!! Here's the deal: You are what you do. Sean knows himself to be a good Christian, honest, thoughtful, thrifty, brave, whatever. On the inside, that is. Sean perhaps does not see himself well from the outside, in which he's dating and making out with four girls at once. That is the DEFINITION of a playboy. Hey, you wanna play you gotta pay, buddy. And yeah, I meant buddy.

Finally, to the rose ceremony. or more accurately, the help-me-out-bro conversation with Chris Harrison, where Sean confessed he had no idea what to do. Things weren't great with Des, he said, and Catherine "has big goals with her career." What? This is the first we're hearing of a compelling career drive, and I'm a bit unclear how graphic design could threaten a relationship. Chris's helpful advice? "Well, you have a big decision to make." Unspoken? "And there's rules, so...you gotta send somebody packing before we have to pay overtime to the crew. Tough to be you, pal." Thanks a lot, Chris.

At the rose ceremony, did Des break a Rule by asking to talk to him? I think so, because 6-7 camera people had to shuffle out of the way for them to sit down. (Yes, we did back up and count.) That brief conversation accomplished, Sean made it through only the two easy roses (AshLee and Baby Lindsay) before getting stuck again, panicking, and fleeing. Send out the bat signal for Chris! Surely he can help, or suggest a way out, or something! Chris broke away from knocking back M&Ms at the craft services table to come back and offer this sage advice: "Get this right." I have to credit Sean with not shouting back "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!" And with also taking the best path I've found for making tough decisions: Which decision would I regret? In his case, it's "Who will I miss the most?" Wise. Still, his decision to keep Catherine surprised me. I would've thought there was enough connection with Des (note the magazine cover, in which there's the two of them and everybody else) would've been enough to override a single bad day, but who can explain the mysterious wonders of symbiosis? I mean, who'd'a thought these two would end up together?

I'm looking forward to Sean Tells All tonight. Looks like they just had SO much Tierra footage they couldn't fit it all into the regular agenda and scheduled an extra show. Should be amusing!

P.S. And if you're wondering about the ways in which Stars! They're Just Like Us! this week, They Get Their Sugar Fix! They Suit Up to Cycle! They Deliver Healthy Treats! They Jog with Their Dogs! They Jam Out! They Get Blow-Dried! and They Visit Amusement Parks! Way to stay relevant, Us Weekly. And to find a place for otherwise throwaway paparazzi pictures.