We're off to Prague! Well, Emily is off to Prague, with the boys. "We" doesn't actually include me. <sigh> Still bucking for that producer job...
Travel note: It seems the main square in Prague is pretty well thronging even in the off season. Which is good because Arie's about to get busted for "briefly" dating a producer "many years" ago, and the bigger the crowd, the better. (Will someone please explain to me the size of the Bachelor/ette world where people all seem to know each other and have dating experience with each other?) Okay, here it comes...she's gonna bust him...any second now... What? Now it's evening and they've already talked about it? This is a very weird segment, with the producer interview, the skips to Chris in L.A., the great big glaring hole in the middle of the date...bizarre. Press-driven last-minute re-edits, I guess.
John's date is mathematically doomed from the start. Too-late first date. Can't ever catch up.
Sean is seriously going to hunt through Prague for wherever Emily is? Impressive. Finding her? More impressive. I see her lipstick is in pretty good shape for having just come from a date with a guy who thinks his date couldn't have gone better. Methinks it could've. Or I need to know where she buys her lipstick.
To the group date! Is Doug going to be the dad everywhere? There he is, in the carriage, sitting by himself holding an umbrella over the others. Thanks, Dad. Plus Chris all seething over not having a solo date...two out of three on this date are hanging on by their fingernails. And one just slipped. Buh-bye, Doug. Next? Chris's crazy, ragged, gnawed-to-the-bone, self-destroyed nails. Just me, or is she looking pretty stiff during that kiss? Uh, nope. Not just me. Congratulations on that rose, Sean.
Jef's date: That puppet show is simultaneously super awkward and super sweet. In a weird and surprising way, I can honestly see those two working out. Emily seems different around him. There's...a sparkle.
The non-cocktail non-party: Ironic, because this is one where alcohol would've been a mercy. Maybe John will make up for it in the hotel bar before he ships out.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Emily #5: Dubrovnik!
I can't write. I'm just going to stare at one of my favorite places ever. Travis, schmavis. He's just the nicest guy with the best attitude, but if you don't have a solo date one of the first four weeks, you're toast (see Alesandro. Clock's ticking for John, too). Pay attention to that city instead. Cats, check. Pigeons, check. Tile roofs, limestone and marble everywhere, check.
And for the group date...movie placement in...Scotland?!? Wha? We came all the way to Croatia for this? (plus, I've seen previews for Brave, and it looks better than stuff that usually ends up in the Survivor Theater--see Jack and Jill, Gulliver.) And now they're stuck doing Highland games in Croatia. Croatia deserves better. Kilts? Brogues? Ugh.
Ah, back to Dubrovnik for the evening. BTW, that street really does glow at night. Actual marble. Not a Hollywood lighting effect.
Some questions: Whatta ya say--Arie and Sean, final two? And what's it like in the holding tank for all the other guys while she goes on half-hour walks with each one? Is she getting tired of walking? How much lip gloss does she go through in one night? Do we need to add makeup touchup time to each of the half-hour outings before she goes out on the next one?
Now to Ryan's date and the pressing question: Has Emily given him enough rope to hang himself in one outing? Yes! That was one sweet self-lovin' monologue while he was getting ready. And I love the way he keeps talking about what HE wants from a partner through the date. Good spot, Emily. I think it would've been time for the guys to start questioning whether they want to be with YOU if you'd given this sleeze a rose. Love the reaction back at the house when his bag gets picked up. He's so narcissistic he didn't even read the GUYS right ("I've got some great relationships there. We'll hang out when this is over." I don't think you'll want to after you see what they've been saying about you.)
Another question: How much food gets wasted on these dates where no one eats? And one more: How do they manage the program schedule when she's kicking extra guys out (see Kalon's eviction last week) or sending both solo date candidates home in one night? Wait! We have an answer for that one! Hold a mercy rose ceremony where no one goes home. Simple!
And for the group date...movie placement in...Scotland?!? Wha? We came all the way to Croatia for this? (plus, I've seen previews for Brave, and it looks better than stuff that usually ends up in the Survivor Theater--see Jack and Jill, Gulliver.) And now they're stuck doing Highland games in Croatia. Croatia deserves better. Kilts? Brogues? Ugh.
Ah, back to Dubrovnik for the evening. BTW, that street really does glow at night. Actual marble. Not a Hollywood lighting effect.
Some questions: Whatta ya say--Arie and Sean, final two? And what's it like in the holding tank for all the other guys while she goes on half-hour walks with each one? Is she getting tired of walking? How much lip gloss does she go through in one night? Do we need to add makeup touchup time to each of the half-hour outings before she goes out on the next one?
Now to Ryan's date and the pressing question: Has Emily given him enough rope to hang himself in one outing? Yes! That was one sweet self-lovin' monologue while he was getting ready. And I love the way he keeps talking about what HE wants from a partner through the date. Good spot, Emily. I think it would've been time for the guys to start questioning whether they want to be with YOU if you'd given this sleeze a rose. Love the reaction back at the house when his bag gets picked up. He's so narcissistic he didn't even read the GUYS right ("I've got some great relationships there. We'll hang out when this is over." I don't think you'll want to after you see what they've been saying about you.)
Another question: How much food gets wasted on these dates where no one eats? And one more: How do they manage the program schedule when she's kicking extra guys out (see Kalon's eviction last week) or sending both solo date candidates home in one night? Wait! We have an answer for that one! Hold a mercy rose ceremony where no one goes home. Simple!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Emily #4: Laughs in London
Sorry I'm late. On vacation. Not to London, but I think I had more fun than a lot of the dudes that were there.
First date: The much-ogled Sean the Blonde. We'll see whether brassy British women will grab at him the same way those demure southern belles did. Did anybody notice than when Emily pointed out Westminster Abbey, it was not as the place where William & Kate just barely got married--apparently happily--but where Charles and Diana began the world's most publicly failed marriage, like, before she was born? FORESHADOWING! I'm curious--what exactly happened on the afternoon portion of the date that made her lose her voice by evening? Perhaps lots of conversation that didn't make the editorial cut, because it was, you know, ordinary and real and not about Feelings and What We Think About Each Other. Rose, check. I like Sean, even beyond the sympathy points he earned at the hands of Emily's "friends."
Group date: Kalon is such a pompous prig. "The other guys were joking around, but I was taking it seriously." "I was born to play this role." Still digesting that one. Arie, on the other hand, is born to play the role of A Good Sport and is doing it well. As is Travis. (Ooo--seriously splotchy spray-tan on Emily's confessional interviews. Apparently not as common of a procedure in an overcast country.) Love the way Kalon overpompouses himself by shooing Emily away during rehearsal. And the way Arie the Frightened comes through in the clutch.
And finally, Kalon flies his freak flag in front of witnesses, leading to Emily's QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "I wanna go West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on him." This is vocabulary I do not know. And I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with her blaming the guys for not telling her about that freak flag. DID YOU NOT SEE IT YOURSELF? Like, when he told you to stop talking so he could finish? Like, when he was being so weird during Shakespeare? I don't believe it's unreasonable for guys to think that tattling on other guys might not be well received. And BTW, girlfriend, Doug DID tell you as soon as he heard about it.
Jef's date: (Man, that looks weird in type.) Teatime! A digression: I just had my first cucumber tea sandwiches a couple of weeks ago (on white bread, buttered) and I could eat them by the fistful. Which is not considered finest form. Off to fish and chips! Which I could also eat a lot of. Oh--the date. Jef's looking later in his teens tonight. Maybe pushing twenty. Good for him. Now what's for dessert? Parfaits! Raspberry, it seems. With Creme Anglais? And a cookie wafer? Oh--oops. Right. The date. Such a nice little boy. He'd make a good buddy for Ricki. But she had to kind of make this date work, right? They're stuck in the London Eye. If she says we're through, they gotta sit there looking silently out the window for...who knows. More parfaits for everyone!
Insecurity Cocktail Party: Enough already. Kalon was a skeeze and you knew it. He's gone. Move on. Now the only question that remains is which of the low-camera-time faces is going home. And the winner is...no-camera-time Alejandro. But on to better news...we're off to DUBROVNIK!
First date: The much-ogled Sean the Blonde. We'll see whether brassy British women will grab at him the same way those demure southern belles did. Did anybody notice than when Emily pointed out Westminster Abbey, it was not as the place where William & Kate just barely got married--apparently happily--but where Charles and Diana began the world's most publicly failed marriage, like, before she was born? FORESHADOWING! I'm curious--what exactly happened on the afternoon portion of the date that made her lose her voice by evening? Perhaps lots of conversation that didn't make the editorial cut, because it was, you know, ordinary and real and not about Feelings and What We Think About Each Other. Rose, check. I like Sean, even beyond the sympathy points he earned at the hands of Emily's "friends."
Group date: Kalon is such a pompous prig. "The other guys were joking around, but I was taking it seriously." "I was born to play this role." Still digesting that one. Arie, on the other hand, is born to play the role of A Good Sport and is doing it well. As is Travis. (Ooo--seriously splotchy spray-tan on Emily's confessional interviews. Apparently not as common of a procedure in an overcast country.) Love the way Kalon overpompouses himself by shooing Emily away during rehearsal. And the way Arie the Frightened comes through in the clutch.
And finally, Kalon flies his freak flag in front of witnesses, leading to Emily's QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "I wanna go West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on him." This is vocabulary I do not know. And I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with her blaming the guys for not telling her about that freak flag. DID YOU NOT SEE IT YOURSELF? Like, when he told you to stop talking so he could finish? Like, when he was being so weird during Shakespeare? I don't believe it's unreasonable for guys to think that tattling on other guys might not be well received. And BTW, girlfriend, Doug DID tell you as soon as he heard about it.
Jef's date: (Man, that looks weird in type.) Teatime! A digression: I just had my first cucumber tea sandwiches a couple of weeks ago (on white bread, buttered) and I could eat them by the fistful. Which is not considered finest form. Off to fish and chips! Which I could also eat a lot of. Oh--the date. Jef's looking later in his teens tonight. Maybe pushing twenty. Good for him. Now what's for dessert? Parfaits! Raspberry, it seems. With Creme Anglais? And a cookie wafer? Oh--oops. Right. The date. Such a nice little boy. He'd make a good buddy for Ricki. But she had to kind of make this date work, right? They're stuck in the London Eye. If she says we're through, they gotta sit there looking silently out the window for...who knows. More parfaits for everyone!
Insecurity Cocktail Party: Enough already. Kalon was a skeeze and you knew it. He's gone. Move on. Now the only question that remains is which of the low-camera-time faces is going home. And the winner is...no-camera-time Alejandro. But on to better news...we're off to DUBROVNIK!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Emily #3: Bermuda Bums
Mmmm...Bermuda. So beautiful, so close, so expensive, so overbuilt. Those things are all connected, right? Shoot. I'm still trying to figure out how to get that job as a Bachelor/ette producer, flying around scouting all these luxury locations.
SingleDadDoug's date: I actually liked their dinner conversation, where Emily poked at a shell she thought was there, and then realized she'd been going about things wrong. Pretty evolved. But then that whole awkward staring business while he refused to give her a kiss...he might not get too far after all.
BTW--all this worry about who's on the two-on-one date? I think the ones who aren't on the two-on-one need to acknowledge that Emily isn't even quite sure who you are.
Miscellaneous Men date: Always gotta feel for the half squad that goes home after a competition. Especially when one of them cries. And for poor Jef-with-one-F, who, even though he was on the winning team, looks and sounds like a 14-year-old. Apparently, though, Emily wants kisses from everybody, and most of the men are afraid to do it. Including (surpirse!) the 14-year-old. Next: Ryan the sports trainer continues to be a tool. Next: Jef rocks the pity-rose on the hoodie.
The two-on-one, who-are-you-again date: My advance pick is for the "data destruction specialist" to go home. Take an accountant over a guy that drives the shredder truck any day. But at dinner...no, Emily, it isn't the rose that's making the evening awkward. Math is the problem. As it usually is. And see how it can hurt you in the end? I had a 1-out-of-2 choice and was wrong. Dumb numbers.
The cocktail party: Love the ominous stalker music while Arie is approaching Ryan's EmTime. Arie didn't need to bust in, though. Ryan's self-lovin' sleeze factor is plenty high enough for Emily to pick it up on her own. And did he seriously say all that stuff WITH CAMERAS ROLLING? "I'm meant for bigger things." "I'm a catch." "If I was the bachelor, I'd open up my heart so there'd be heat for everybody to see." Casting this one was easy. But then...oh, Chris, with the age insecurity. Can't let it go, and is therefore PROVING himself to be immature. You can't make this stuff up.
NEW THING: I like the extended "what are you thinking" time with Chris. Hope that continues. This is meant to suggest she's keeping Ryan around just to play him like a fish on a line. Is this where I start liking Emily more? Add to that the mercy cut of Head Wound Charlie and Emily scored some points. You go, girl.
SingleDadDoug's date: I actually liked their dinner conversation, where Emily poked at a shell she thought was there, and then realized she'd been going about things wrong. Pretty evolved. But then that whole awkward staring business while he refused to give her a kiss...he might not get too far after all.
BTW--all this worry about who's on the two-on-one date? I think the ones who aren't on the two-on-one need to acknowledge that Emily isn't even quite sure who you are.
Miscellaneous Men date: Always gotta feel for the half squad that goes home after a competition. Especially when one of them cries. And for poor Jef-with-one-F, who, even though he was on the winning team, looks and sounds like a 14-year-old. Apparently, though, Emily wants kisses from everybody, and most of the men are afraid to do it. Including (surpirse!) the 14-year-old. Next: Ryan the sports trainer continues to be a tool. Next: Jef rocks the pity-rose on the hoodie.
The two-on-one, who-are-you-again date: My advance pick is for the "data destruction specialist" to go home. Take an accountant over a guy that drives the shredder truck any day. But at dinner...no, Emily, it isn't the rose that's making the evening awkward. Math is the problem. As it usually is. And see how it can hurt you in the end? I had a 1-out-of-2 choice and was wrong. Dumb numbers.
The cocktail party: Love the ominous stalker music while Arie is approaching Ryan's EmTime. Arie didn't need to bust in, though. Ryan's self-lovin' sleeze factor is plenty high enough for Emily to pick it up on her own. And did he seriously say all that stuff WITH CAMERAS ROLLING? "I'm meant for bigger things." "I'm a catch." "If I was the bachelor, I'd open up my heart so there'd be heat for everybody to see." Casting this one was easy. But then...oh, Chris, with the age insecurity. Can't let it go, and is therefore PROVING himself to be immature. You can't make this stuff up.
NEW THING: I like the extended "what are you thinking" time with Chris. Hope that continues. This is meant to suggest she's keeping Ryan around just to play him like a fish on a line. Is this where I start liking Emily more? Add to that the mercy cut of Head Wound Charlie and Emily scored some points. You go, girl.
Emily 1-2: catchup
I had a hard time stirring myself to blog again. Been having fine conversations with friends as the first couple of episodes started, textersations with the daughters...and doing the blog requires that I actually sit while I'm watching. So hard. But we've had some great conversations for sure, so...maybe it's time to get some of it in print.
So, a few observations from the first two episodes, then I'll forge on ahead with Episode 3:
1. Emily is Boring Barbie. My DIL Michelle would strenuously argue. Please do. I just really want a funny bachelorette. I do like the way she's being pretty quick on the take when somebody says something stupid. Makes me think there might be more there than you'd think. A tiny bit more. I have a policy of assuming that anyone who goes on the Bachelor/Bachelorette is labeling him- or herself an idiot out of the gate, but I'm open to seeing something more emerge as the show goes on.
2. Boring Barbie has been told she's beautiful so many times she doesn't even hear it anymore. Wow, you're stunning. You're gorgeous. You're so beautiful. My goodness, you look amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I'm sorry--did you just say something?
3. Boring Barbie is NOT living the life of an "ordinary single mom." 95% of single moms would never complain about the lack of a man in their lives again if they could just be full-time moms in a tricked-out suburban mini-mansion, baking cookies for the soccer team, driving an Escalade (never know how much stuff mini-Barbie might need to tote around with her to playdates or American Girl parties). An unknown percentage of married women would consider knocking their husbands off for it.
4. Turning all those children loose at the park and commanding them and the grown men to play with each other might've been the creepiest thing I've ever seen on this creepy show. If one of them had said, "I'm sorry, this makes me really uncomfortable," he should've gotten a straight pass to the final three.
5. The dude who stepped in it so bad at the park by saying he wouldn't "love on you as much" if Emily got fat might be a pig, but surely isn't a surprise. Girl has fake hair, fake teeth, fake boobs, fake tan, fake lips, fake lashes...and then she acts offended if she attracts the kind of man who's into that stuff?
6. Head Wound Charlie is just as sweet and good and cute as can be, but what woman is going to choose, out of a pool of healthy hot thangs, a man who's going to be dealing with brain injury issues for the rest of his life? They need a mercy rule for things like this.
7. Did you see Emily's bathroom makeup station/suite/compound?
About all I can think of right now. Please fill in what I forgot...
So, a few observations from the first two episodes, then I'll forge on ahead with Episode 3:
1. Emily is Boring Barbie. My DIL Michelle would strenuously argue. Please do. I just really want a funny bachelorette. I do like the way she's being pretty quick on the take when somebody says something stupid. Makes me think there might be more there than you'd think. A tiny bit more. I have a policy of assuming that anyone who goes on the Bachelor/Bachelorette is labeling him- or herself an idiot out of the gate, but I'm open to seeing something more emerge as the show goes on.
2. Boring Barbie has been told she's beautiful so many times she doesn't even hear it anymore. Wow, you're stunning. You're gorgeous. You're so beautiful. My goodness, you look amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I'm sorry--did you just say something?
3. Boring Barbie is NOT living the life of an "ordinary single mom." 95% of single moms would never complain about the lack of a man in their lives again if they could just be full-time moms in a tricked-out suburban mini-mansion, baking cookies for the soccer team, driving an Escalade (never know how much stuff mini-Barbie might need to tote around with her to playdates or American Girl parties). An unknown percentage of married women would consider knocking their husbands off for it.
4. Turning all those children loose at the park and commanding them and the grown men to play with each other might've been the creepiest thing I've ever seen on this creepy show. If one of them had said, "I'm sorry, this makes me really uncomfortable," he should've gotten a straight pass to the final three.
5. The dude who stepped in it so bad at the park by saying he wouldn't "love on you as much" if Emily got fat might be a pig, but surely isn't a surprise. Girl has fake hair, fake teeth, fake boobs, fake tan, fake lips, fake lashes...and then she acts offended if she attracts the kind of man who's into that stuff?
6. Head Wound Charlie is just as sweet and good and cute as can be, but what woman is going to choose, out of a pool of healthy hot thangs, a man who's going to be dealing with brain injury issues for the rest of his life? They need a mercy rule for things like this.
7. Did you see Emily's bathroom makeup station/suite/compound?
About all I can think of right now. Please fill in what I forgot...
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