Emily #9: Isn't "men tell all" an oxymoron?

Need any more proof that The Bachelor/ette is nothing like the real world? I think the real reason we tune in to this episode is because we're so intrigued with the novelty of a big group of men sitting around talking about their feelings, dwelling on the past, re-examining things they did or said...Good luck coming up with just one example of another time or place where you'd see THAT happen.

But clearly, these producers are not idiots, and they knew full well that they could NEVER fill two hours with that, so we got a good long journey down memory lane with Emily first, then previewed Bachelor Pad, and only then talked to the men for as long as possible. (And then they still had to fill with a good long preview of next week.) But I don't mind, because I've really grown to like Emily. Boring Barbie no more. Sistah's a little salty, it turns out. And Bachelor Pad looks like another grisly, can't-look-away train wreck.

Figure 9.1: The dangers of knowing you're pretty

I do appreciate how much more direct the men are in saying what they think of each other than the women are in their version. I guess the trouble is women have SO much invested in being liked by everybody that when a woman confronts another everything turns straight vicious. The men manage to do it without all the snottiness.

In a show as weird as this, it's surprising what an accurate read we can get on people. Kalon edited = Kalon live. Nope, producers didn't make that Narcissus up out of little snippets from the cutting room floor. He is what he is (see Figure 9.1). Emily, when she got there, handled THAT piece of work just fine on her own, thank you very much. In a surprising twist, Ryan edited = well, Ryan live. No shortage of sweet self-lovin' there, either. With a wink thrown in for good measure. And Chris edited has just as thin a skin as Chris live. (So sorry he decided to do Bachelor Pad. Can you think of a worse environment for somebody who just needs to find a sweet, gentle, goodhearted girl who thinks he hung the moon?) Sean, of course, is still first quality. No faking that.

So...who's it gonna be? Chemistry usually wins, which tilts the scale toward Arie. But with a single mom, we've got a wild card. Maybe the pull toward the nice boy (with the nicer family) is a little stronger. Jef gets my vote, but of course, I'm not picking. Hmmm...

Emily #8: Kinda boring, until it hurts like no other

An episode for men! After all these weeks of bundling up in chilly places, it's bikini time! And for the girls, especially Emily's cougar friends, it's Sean-without-a-shirt time! (In board shorts, ladies. Calm down. Heavens--we're not Europeans, you know.)

Sean's date: Is he at all worried that he's going on a private-island date just like she had with Jake the last time around? And as I recall, conversation seemed kinda awkward on that date, too. So hard to watch him struggle with saying those scary, scary words that no one should ever have to say to someone who's contractually obliged to not say them back and is actively involved with two other people. This is such a weird show.

Jef's date: Sweet sloop. But poor Jef has the worst hair to take outside on a windy day. Huh--it's pretty much the same after it gets wet. Have they ever shown us Emily's hair wet? Seriously great beading on her dinner dress, though. (I think I'll keep my commentary entirely on how things look through this date.) Will they ever show us somebody trying to use that skeleton key in a hotel door? Oop--she just called him Honey. There goes my Sean-only theory. And that's as close as I can get to something else to talk about. Really, these dates are very orderly and well behaved and kind and nice and good. Not much to say.

Arie's date: Who doesn't look awesome with a mask and snorkel? Nobody. Okay, everybody. Though if you're Emily or Arie, your chances of not horrifying the person you're with are slightly lower than those of the general population. And goodness knows the trained, fenced-in "open water" dolphins don't care either way. They just want their lives back. But lucky for the young lovers, it's another full moon night! Wow--they've had one EVERY night in Curacao! What an amazing climate they must have!

And deserving its own line: Super-props to Emily on how she's conducted herself with the whole bizarre fantasy suite issue. And plus-plus props on how she handled the issue with Arie. Well done, girl.

The choice: Of course it's hard. Who in their right mind WOULDN'T want to keep dating three guys (all easy on the eyes and apparently compatible) who all profess their love for you and escort you on dream dates that are paid for by sponsors? Wait--there are video messages?!? That's going to solve it for sure. Sheesh. I'd hate to think my chances were shot because I'm awkward at video messages. (Everybody equally uncomfortable with someone at a party telling you to look in a camera and say something to somebody who's not there? No? Oh. Just me.) I'm genuinely sorry for whoever goes home tonight. These are three class-act guys who don't belong on reality TV and one of them is definitely going to suffer. I refuse to feel sorry for people who sign up to do this, but shoot. I'm gonna have to break my rule. I like every one of these guys. Ah, Sean. The "you're so perfect" problem from last week came back to bite--she didn't crack through the perfect shell in time. If they'd only had a little longer...good luck, Sean. I'd like to say you'll do well, but you're going to have a lot of trashy chicks flocking around you, and finding somebody real is going to be a challenge. Shucks.

Emily #7: Hometowns can't be perfect for EVERYone

Nice of them to give us a summary at the beginning that requires no commentary whatsoever. Simple: We have four guys. Emily is going to go to their homes and make families say to themselves "Wow. I had no idea our boy could do THAT well!" And then she's going to come back and dump one of them. To the dates!

Chicago Chris: Viva Polska! Okay, knowing that he's a Polish guy definitely makes me see him as better looking than I've thought before now. In Poland, there are a zillion girls who would make you not look twice at Emily. And they're all on the arms of guys who look like Chris's little brother who was locked in a closet, yelled at, and not fed very much. Given the gene pool, Chris definitely sucked all the good material out. With a straw. And then flossed and got regular followup dental care. Poor Chris. I fear his family's concern about him ending heartbroken is going to be justified. And P.S., why couldn't I have had a fun ethnic family that throws costumed folk dance parties when they get together?

St. George Jef: Or should it be St. George Geoff? Or St. Jorge Jef? At any rate, it appears to be St. Rich Jef. This ranch is quite something. River property in the desert? You don't get that by accident. Turns out the hipster is a country boy at heart. This is going to sell well with Emily. (BTW, is one of those Utah fires Jef's fault? Blasting stuff in a canyon somewhere?) And while he's telling her that she looks great, is he secretly thinking that he knows his Mormon family would wish she was wearing a little shrug over that super-great little pleated spaghetti strap dress? Good news: It went well. I'm oddly rooting for this long shot. C'mon, Emily. Can't you see li'l Ricki playing tag under the cottonwoods with the rest of these little girls?

Arizona Arie: Ever since I confirmed that Arie is Arie Luyendyk Jr. I've wondered whether a weeee little bit of her attraction to him is a celebrity crush. Crossed with thinking it's a sign that he's a race car driver just like Ricky I. Not that he isn't great. Super-great. But...those things have gotta be in there, too, right? But as great as he is as an individual, there's always The Family. Are we all appalled at these people speaking Dutch in front of her? And is Emily at all put off to look at Arie's mom and think "In another 30 years, 300 tans, and 5 surgeries, I will look EXACTLY like that"?

Texas Sean: Or Shexas Tawn. Shoot. Of course we had to have a curve-breaker whose name doesn't match the place he's from. All her talk about him being perfect and having a perfect life and perfect family and all makes it sound as if she hasn't cracked the surface yet on him, so she clearly hasn't caught on to the name/place disconnect. And Surprise! His family lives in a McMansion. In Dallas. Of all the...perfectly predictable perfect things. BUT NO!!! Could it be? He not only lives at home, he's living there LIKE A TEN-YEAR OLD? Psych! Super-funny joke. Note: He's the only one she uses a pet name for (Honey), and that she said she HAD missed and WOULD miss. Significant? You decide.

Hollywood Humiliation: Nothing quite like getting dumped on national television after declaring your unlimited love on same said medium. Repeatedly. This'll take some time to heal for a sensitive guy. Good thing Chris has that big dancing family to comfort him. Pierogi won't do it alone. And would someone please tell me where they're headed next week? My recording cut off before the previews.