Let the shrieking begin! They all want Ben! A whole roomful young women who will date you and marry you and walk barefoot through the summer-evening vineyards with you! But before then, reuniting with the one who broke your heart. So unnatural. Ugh? Uchh? Any decisions on how to spell it?
And Ben's burning question, as with all #2 finishers...when did you know? Like, through what dates/canoodles/sleepovers did you already know you were done with me? I would imagine JP would be a bit curious about that as well.
As for JP, well, bless them. I'm starting to actually think this might work out. Ew--except for the sister. VERY frosty little smirk when JP said he didn't get how anyone could not like him. And very pointedly no hug for JP after greeting Ashley. She's apologizing beautifully, but...yeah, there's no quick TV fix for this, despite all the laughing about happy holidays together in the future.
Wait--Ashley is STILL finishing school? Rather a backwards career: First she's finished, then she's almost finished, then a year later she's still finishing. Man, this Bachelorette business is time-consuming.
DOUBLE WAIT! They're going BACK to Fiji?!? Too lucky. But, lucky for us, Bachelor Pad next week!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Episode 11 #6: The proposals
Oh, I just like Ben so much. This is painful, watching a human heart fill up and start to overflow with happiness and then rupture. Why did he steamroll ahead with that proposal when she was clearly trying to break bad news quickly? So predictable, Ashley trying to fix it by running after him to tell him he's "interesting" and "funny." Line of the night: "Good things don't end unless they end badly." Spot on. And a purely, purely honest reaction. Ugh. Uhch. How many ways can you spell that?
Okay, makeup redo. Time for another shot at this, with better light. You have to know getting off the plane that when you show up for the sunset shot you're The Chosen One. All very nicely done for the camera. Sincerely felt at the time, I'm sure. Now time to start the pool on how long this'll last. And will Sister Inky be able to resist saying "I told you so" when it ends?
The cleaners are going to have a devil of a time with that dress being in the seawater.
Okay, makeup redo. Time for another shot at this, with better light. You have to know getting off the plane that when you show up for the sunset shot you're The Chosen One. All very nicely done for the camera. Sincerely felt at the time, I'm sure. Now time to start the pool on how long this'll last. And will Sister Inky be able to resist saying "I told you so" when it ends?
The cleaners are going to have a devil of a time with that dress being in the seawater.
Episode 11, #5: I want the ring guy's job
Seriously--fly around the world with fabulous rings and have guaranteed sales in beautiful places. Nice work. I love the way he tells Ben "It wasn't that hard, was it?" and Ben sounds surprised to admit that it wasn't. Well, sure, when you're NOT PAYING FOR IT. And isn't it kind of weird to think that your potential bride could be wearing a ring for the rest of her life that's a TV show prize?
So does JP have to pick whatever's left after Ben has picked his ring? Hmm...has Ashley already identified her favorite ring and whoever picks it is the winner?
Quite the contrast: JP is talking about his worries and doubts while Ben talks about all his confidence. The classic switcheroo: downplaying JP to make it more surprising when she picks him. And then he says no? And then she starts swimming out after Ben's plane, taxiing across the water? I mean, where is all the stuff they gave us in previews supposed to start showing up? The wailing Ashley in her proposal dress saying she can't take it anymore? The blow-up in JP's room? Man, this blog is going to be boring to people who read it after they've already seen the show...
So does JP have to pick whatever's left after Ben has picked his ring? Hmm...has Ashley already identified her favorite ring and whoever picks it is the winner?
Quite the contrast: JP is talking about his worries and doubts while Ben talks about all his confidence. The classic switcheroo: downplaying JP to make it more surprising when she picks him. And then he says no? And then she starts swimming out after Ben's plane, taxiing across the water? I mean, where is all the stuff they gave us in previews supposed to start showing up? The wailing Ashley in her proposal dress saying she can't take it anymore? The blow-up in JP's room? Man, this blog is going to be boring to people who read it after they've already seen the show...
Episode 11, #4: A new rack for JP
So where'd Ashley come up with those boobs for JP's date? I mean, overnight long hair in a new color is one thing, but a new body? I think there's going to be a lot of Googling going on by flat-ish women trying to figure out where she got that swimsuit top.
...and that was the most interesting part of the date. Dude put himself out there, and Ashley talked about feeling bad that somebody's going to have to go without a clue, but if that's true that's her fault, right?
...and that was the most interesting part of the date. Dude put himself out there, and Ashley talked about feeling bad that somebody's going to have to go without a clue, but if that's true that's her fault, right?
Episode 11 #3: Ben wins with dog voices
So that's all it takes? Funny voices? Geeze--somebody coulda told JP. I think the multiple references to "goofy" suggest that what Ashley sees in JP is something she WANTS to be: not goofy. A grownup. A reasonable wish.
Well, look--Denarau Island has nice beaches TOO! Can't go wrong on Fiji, now, can you? Lucky Ashley's family with the expense-paid trip. Silent brother scored a lot for very little effort: I'd wear puka shells and sit around saying nothing and sweating for that. Just don't send him to the mud baths. On camera, anyway.
Shoot. Ben just makes me smile. Silly, Ashley-esque girls never go for the better fit, but he really is.
Well, look--Denarau Island has nice beaches TOO! Can't go wrong on Fiji, now, can you? Lucky Ashley's family with the expense-paid trip. Silent brother scored a lot for very little effort: I'd wear puka shells and sit around saying nothing and sweating for that. Just don't send him to the mud baths. On camera, anyway.
Shoot. Ben just makes me smile. Silly, Ashley-esque girls never go for the better fit, but he really is.
Episode 11, #2: JP fails to impress
First off: JP. First question: Couldn't they have moved these people into the shade? Such a lot of blotting and fanning and blowing down shirts. But once they got into the AC for some family drama and a lot of bang-swiping...NOW things REALLY heat up. How much time has Mom spent mediating between the sisters over the years? Anyone else notice the way Ashley puts on a mocking voice whenever she quotes the sister? I'm having a hard time judging Sister Inky, though. On first blush, I like her better than Ashley. But as I see more, she seems to be trying to grab camera time with the know-it-all big-sister routine.
BUT THEN...JP scores the game-winner in my book by using his head in evaluating Ashley's reaction to the sister-snark and then saying he won't propose to somebody who doesn't overwhelmingly want to be with him. I bet there are PLENTY of girls who would REALLY like to be with you, pal.
Short version? Sister's right. Ashley's too giddy and young for JP, and Ashley DOES only want the sister's approval, not the sister's opinion.
BUT THEN...JP scores the game-winner in my book by using his head in evaluating Ashley's reaction to the sister-snark and then saying he won't propose to somebody who doesn't overwhelmingly want to be with him. I bet there are PLENTY of girls who would REALLY like to be with you, pal.
Short version? Sister's right. Ashley's too giddy and young for JP, and Ashley DOES only want the sister's approval, not the sister's opinion.
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 11--Finale Fireworks
As Ashley has set it up at the beginning, this is going to be the contest between the buddy and the hot thing. Statistics, I believe, will prove that hot thing wins, basically, all the time.
Interesting breeding in that family that produced Ashley Head-Tosser, Sister Inky, and Silent Brother who tries to keep up with the conversation.
That Vomo island sure has some pretty beaches, though, I must say. So...let's go!
Interesting breeding in that family that produced Ashley Head-Tosser, Sister Inky, and Silent Brother who tries to keep up with the conversation.
That Vomo island sure has some pretty beaches, though, I must say. So...let's go!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Episode 10 #3: Ashley Awkwardly Reunited with Aforementioned Boyz
Ashley has had a hard time with people calling her names and criticizing her. Well, Ashley shouldn't have put herself on reality TV, then, shouldn't she? Good thing we got other bachelor/ettes on to validate how really, really, really, really, really hard it is. And to help blame the public for talking about them.
I'm tending to think this whole thing is gonna end with Ashley walking away alone. We've had nothing about her saying she's in a great relationship, that it was hard but worth it for the love of her life, that she's happier than ever...nada. Oo--and then Chris saying "I hope you're in a good place after all this" and "I hope at least you're happy." Add the colossal insecurities (see previous episodes) Ashley brings to the equation and it's looking pretty bleak. Thoughts? Only tomorrow will tell--and no fair chiming in with "I always knew" after you've seen the finale!
I'm tending to think this whole thing is gonna end with Ashley walking away alone. We've had nothing about her saying she's in a great relationship, that it was hard but worth it for the love of her life, that she's happier than ever...nada. Oo--and then Chris saying "I hope you're in a good place after all this" and "I hope at least you're happy." Add the colossal insecurities (see previous episodes) Ashley brings to the equation and it's looking pretty bleak. Thoughts? Only tomorrow will tell--and no fair chiming in with "I always knew" after you've seen the finale!
Episode 10 #2: The part with the boyz
Bentley, you contract-breaking weak sauce. Where are you? According to someone Cheryl knows who knows somebody else, he's in Park City with Emily. Stay tuned for more. But you'd have to stay tuned for a long time.
T-shirt Tim the Drunk Guy looks like a drunk guy when he's sober. Nice you could dress. With that Jersey accent he's got "I Like Beer" stamped on his forehead. Correction: "I Like Beeyah."
Jeff the Mask looks really, really hurt that people are still laughing at him.
You know, back in the first episode, William the Commediam did not come across as the kind of creep he seems to be. Had him picked for the final few. Oops. The pain he's still suffering over the roast business is a bit redeeming, though. Perhaps he's reformed.
Stalker Ryan Rah-Rah...brought nothing new to the interview. Next!
Ames still looks dazed. I think it's the eyes on the sides of his head. And the post-whiplash neck stiffness. And the mannequin wave. He sure is hitting with the ladies in the audience, though. There seems to be a real "We'll take your underappreciated castoff!" phenomenon.
Bentley. Still. "We worked really hard to invite him, but he declined." Seriously? They have a CONTRACT. I'd be interested to know how he weaseled out.
And at the end, one nagging question: How does the Bachelorette manage to find so many damaged, pretty packages as these men?
T-shirt Tim the Drunk Guy looks like a drunk guy when he's sober. Nice you could dress. With that Jersey accent he's got "I Like Beer" stamped on his forehead. Correction: "I Like Beeyah."
Jeff the Mask looks really, really hurt that people are still laughing at him.
You know, back in the first episode, William the Commediam did not come across as the kind of creep he seems to be. Had him picked for the final few. Oops. The pain he's still suffering over the roast business is a bit redeeming, though. Perhaps he's reformed.
Stalker Ryan Rah-Rah...brought nothing new to the interview. Next!
Ames still looks dazed. I think it's the eyes on the sides of his head. And the post-whiplash neck stiffness. And the mannequin wave. He sure is hitting with the ladies in the audience, though. There seems to be a real "We'll take your underappreciated castoff!" phenomenon.
Bentley. Still. "We worked really hard to invite him, but he declined." Seriously? They have a CONTRACT. I'd be interested to know how he weaseled out.
And at the end, one nagging question: How does the Bachelorette manage to find so many damaged, pretty packages as these men?
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 10: Boys' Night Out
...or, the kind of event they had to get the men to sign contracts to do: Talking to other men, with cameras rolling, about feelings and romantic failure. How could anyone miss THAT? So let's begin with the beginning:
Ashley's reflections on people we'd forgotten: Uh, I got nuthin, except a little chuckle at Ashley saying she's a little hurt that people can be so negative in thinking she's a dope over the Bentley thing. Wake up, sister.
Ashley's reflections on moments we didn't see during the show: These are the best outtakes you got? Dang. This show was BORING off-camera. Although I was a bit struck with the wrapup, when Chris said that he hoped everything has worked out well and Ashley just said, "Thanks Chris!" Hmm.
I think the preview for Bachelor Pad was the best part of this segment. And I still can't understand anything Casey says except that he wants to punch Jake and tell him "That's for America! That's for my girlfriend!"
I think this is a good time to get to the boys...
Ashley's reflections on people we'd forgotten: Uh, I got nuthin, except a little chuckle at Ashley saying she's a little hurt that people can be so negative in thinking she's a dope over the Bentley thing. Wake up, sister.
Ashley's reflections on moments we didn't see during the show: These are the best outtakes you got? Dang. This show was BORING off-camera. Although I was a bit struck with the wrapup, when Chris said that he hoped everything has worked out well and Ashley just said, "Thanks Chris!" Hmm.
I think the preview for Bachelor Pad was the best part of this segment. And I still can't understand anything Casey says except that he wants to punch Jake and tell him "That's for America! That's for my girlfriend!"
I think this is a good time to get to the boys...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Episode 9 #7: A rose ceremony without math
And it's raining. Again. Should this mean something? For now, at least, it's a fitting accompaniment to a pretty anticlimactic wrapup. Gray. Drippy. And all the oversharing will have to wait another episode or two. (But can we hardly wait for the fight with the super-inked sister?) So maybe this is a good time to start a list of Things That Are Odd About Bachelor/ette Dating (excluding the original premise, of course):
People who had a great night together and are starting to get twittered don't talk between dates. No phone calls, no texting, no expressions of extracurricular interest.
Standing at the opposite ends of a long rug to talk about where the relationship will go from here.
Watching how your love interest flirts with other people.
Talking to strangers about how you're feeling before, during, and after a date.
And finally, wondering what your rejects are going to say about you at The Men Tell All! Double whammy this week! See you Sunday! Until then, keep adding to the list.
People who had a great night together and are starting to get twittered don't talk between dates. No phone calls, no texting, no expressions of extracurricular interest.
Standing at the opposite ends of a long rug to talk about where the relationship will go from here.
Watching how your love interest flirts with other people.
Talking to strangers about how you're feeling before, during, and after a date.
And finally, wondering what your rejects are going to say about you at The Men Tell All! Double whammy this week! See you Sunday! Until then, keep adding to the list.
Episode 9 #6: JP's date
...in which we've been led to believe she's going to overshare. But not yet! First, let's start out taking another aerial tour over Fiji. Early Restraint prize to Ashley for not saying "Yeah, I saw all this with Constantine in a helicopter yesterday." Just saving it up for later, I guess.
No signs of trouble yet. Date seems to be going swimmingly well, but for a small problem of being stuck in the "who's-going-to-commit-first" whirlpool. Answer: Neither one. But we'll go for the fantasy suite anyway. I mean, maybe somebody will break through THERE! But no, the camera crew is going to leave some things unrevealed. Barely.
No signs of trouble yet. Date seems to be going swimmingly well, but for a small problem of being stuck in the "who's-going-to-commit-first" whirlpool. Answer: Neither one. But we'll go for the fantasy suite anyway. I mean, maybe somebody will break through THERE! But no, the camera crew is going to leave some things unrevealed. Barely.
Episode 9 #5: Uh, Ryan, so I've been thinking...
Ryan, take a clue: She's got her hair in a braid and is wearing kickin'-around shorts and a tucked-in shirt. When it's not All About Ashley's Abs, she's just not that into you.
Hurts just as much the second time, doesn't it?
Did you note that grim determination in his jaw when, talking about the girl and the life in his future, he said the third time, "It'll happen"? Watch out, womankind. Especially the perky ones.
Hurts just as much the second time, doesn't it?
Did you note that grim determination in his jaw when, talking about the girl and the life in his future, he said the third time, "It'll happen"? Watch out, womankind. Especially the perky ones.
Episode 9 #4: Constantine's date
...or, Ben's date #2 (or was Ben's date Constantine's #1?) But wait! Gasp! What an unbelievable surprise! A helicopter on a Bachelorette date! Let's see if we can spot the cameraman's knee in one of the shots like we could in one of Brad's dates.
Nope. Instead we get Ryan standing there watching the helicopter pass overhead. He says it's been really hard, just waiting for days there in Fiji. Poor guy. Gazing out over the water with nothing to do. Having to choose a different beach to do it on every day. Tsk. The things people endure for love.
Ashley's having to plead with Constantine to be into her. I love the way Constantine doesn't just go along with it. Love the way he's clear about where he stands. Love the way he already knew he'd say no to the fantasy suite.
WHOA! Honest gasp. Honest. I was NOT prepared for him to say "This is the end of the road for me." This is my new favorite bachelor. Or does it go back to strange mother issues? Either way, I think we just watched the next Bachelor walk off the set.
...and I love the shot of Ashley reading that invitation to the fantasy suite by herself.
Nope. Instead we get Ryan standing there watching the helicopter pass overhead. He says it's been really hard, just waiting for days there in Fiji. Poor guy. Gazing out over the water with nothing to do. Having to choose a different beach to do it on every day. Tsk. The things people endure for love.
Ashley's having to plead with Constantine to be into her. I love the way Constantine doesn't just go along with it. Love the way he's clear about where he stands. Love the way he already knew he'd say no to the fantasy suite.
WHOA! Honest gasp. Honest. I was NOT prepared for him to say "This is the end of the road for me." This is my new favorite bachelor. Or does it go back to strange mother issues? Either way, I think we just watched the next Bachelor walk off the set.
...and I love the shot of Ashley reading that invitation to the fantasy suite by herself.
Episode 9 #3: Ben's date
It looks like Ben got there a few days early and caught some rays. But I'm sure the rays are better on a yacht. Yacht people will tell you that, if you can find some to ask. So all aboard!
Oo! Ben "found himself" on "this journey." Let's hope Ashley ditches him and a better girl reaps the rewards. Someone who won't straddle him on national TV and when asked whether she's okay with it, says "I'm TOTALLY okay with it!" Think about it--dude. There's two (or more) other guys in the mix. That level of casual intimacy doesn't bode well for the character of the girl you're eyeing.
Love how he says "I'm floating" while wearing...a LIFE VEST! Hah! For clarification: If you're older than six and I see you snorkeling in a life vest I'm going to laugh. I don't care how cute you are.
There's something very boyish and kinda innocent about dear Ben. I guess I'm feeling kinda maternal about this nice sweet boy. That invitation to the fantasy suite just made me really uncomfortable, no matter how much he gushes to the camera about how great everything has been. Poor guy. This won't end well for him, even if (especially if?) he is the one she picks.
Oo! Ben "found himself" on "this journey." Let's hope Ashley ditches him and a better girl reaps the rewards. Someone who won't straddle him on national TV and when asked whether she's okay with it, says "I'm TOTALLY okay with it!" Think about it--dude. There's two (or more) other guys in the mix. That level of casual intimacy doesn't bode well for the character of the girl you're eyeing.
Love how he says "I'm floating" while wearing...a LIFE VEST! Hah! For clarification: If you're older than six and I see you snorkeling in a life vest I'm going to laugh. I don't care how cute you are.
There's something very boyish and kinda innocent about dear Ben. I guess I'm feeling kinda maternal about this nice sweet boy. That invitation to the fantasy suite just made me really uncomfortable, no matter how much he gushes to the camera about how great everything has been. Poor guy. This won't end well for him, even if (especially if?) he is the one she picks.
Episode 9 #2: Ryan returns!
Creepy, right? Ryan, the guy that gets told straight-up "I don't feel anything for you," then calls the producers and says sure, I'm so weirdly obsessed with a woman I barely know that I'm willing to get kicked in the gut for national entertainment! Buy me a ticket! Send me to Fiji for my shot at love! I'm willing to hang out on some of the best beaches in the world for a few days, having umbrella drinks and hors d'oerves brought to me, and see what happens. These are the kinds of sacrifices people make every day for people they love. Aw, go for it, Ashley. There are weirder ways to start a family, right? Like, options A, B, and C already on offer.
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 9: Frisky in Fiji
Sorry. Here I go inviting new people to the blog right before--poof!--I disappear on vacation. A short one, but a necessary sanity break, which may or may not help the blogging. The definite double whammy, though, was that it meant I wasn't here to correct the DVR to accommodate the presidential address, and THEREFORE don't have the whole show. I'll catch what I can tonight, then see whether I can get the rest online tomorrow. Of course, by the time they finish all the retrospectives on each of the guys, there may be nothing left.
But first, tuck in your bra straps, Ashley, we're in for a surprise!
But first, tuck in your bra straps, Ashley, we're in for a surprise!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Episode 8 #6: And the broken heart goes to...
I hope everybody saw that ad for the Bachelor Pad. The Bachelorette is just a warm-up for the level of trashy exploitation of immature narcissists just around the corner. Don't miss it.
Wait--what? Straight to the rose ceremony without an alcohol primer? How is the one who gets cut supposed to handle this? I hope somebody filled the bar in the limo. But first, the ones who are fine without pain meds:
Ben. Duh.
JP. Duh.
Constantine. Duh.
Ames...What an expression! You could actually hear that breaking sound, couldn't you? And feel it in your own gut, right? Oh, honey. Things are gonna turn out better for you. Trust us. It's the Bachelor/ette Way. A trip to Fiji will be much better for you when you have a girl you're not passing around with two other guys.
I must say, though, I'm SUPER excited about the sister drama waiting for us in the finale: "I'm just trying to save you from yourself." Yeah, there's history there. Can't wait to dig it up!
Wait--what? Straight to the rose ceremony without an alcohol primer? How is the one who gets cut supposed to handle this? I hope somebody filled the bar in the limo. But first, the ones who are fine without pain meds:
Ben. Duh.
JP. Duh.
Constantine. Duh.
Ames...What an expression! You could actually hear that breaking sound, couldn't you? And feel it in your own gut, right? Oh, honey. Things are gonna turn out better for you. Trust us. It's the Bachelor/ette Way. A trip to Fiji will be much better for you when you have a girl you're not passing around with two other guys.
I must say, though, I'm SUPER excited about the sister drama waiting for us in the finale: "I'm just trying to save you from yourself." Yeah, there's history there. Can't wait to dig it up!
Episode 8 #5: JP from NY
Good grief what a garden they meet in. I'm planting hyacinths this fall fo sho. After that botanical miracle, it seems a bit sad he takes her inside on such a gorgeous spring day. But look how thoughtful JP is--rollerskating does seem suited for the slightly bowlegged.
Really, all these guys are straight-up adorable. We're looking at the next Bachelor somewhere here. And I think Ashley's right (?!??)--there's good energy in this family.
HOLD ON! Ashley just said she's learned along "this journey" that she needs to listen to her head! WHAT?!?? As if nearly derailing the whole thing with her Bentley obsession wasn't enough, now she's going to upend the ENTIRE premise of the show by admitting that she can't ENTIRELY trust her "feelings"? I can't believe the editors didn't chop that blasphemy right out.
Really, all these guys are straight-up adorable. We're looking at the next Bachelor somewhere here. And I think Ashley's right (?!??)--there's good energy in this family.
HOLD ON! Ashley just said she's learned along "this journey" that she needs to listen to her head! WHAT?!?? As if nearly derailing the whole thing with her Bentley obsession wasn't enough, now she's going to upend the ENTIRE premise of the show by admitting that she can't ENTIRELY trust her "feelings"? I can't believe the editors didn't chop that blasphemy right out.
Episode 8 #4: Ben from Perfect Sonoma
Ah, finally! The hometown date Ashley has been picturing since he stepped out of the limo with that bottle and set of glasses. So maybe the weather is a smidge cool for walking barefoot between the vines, but that picture is getting clearer ALL the time.
AND his family is from the Italian/Slovenian border?!? Bonus points from me.
But something's wrong with this picture: Ben's "very protective" sister is the one who signed him up for an inevitable romantic disaster? Love the darling cozy-chic house, but something must be very wrong inside. And things seem kinda stiff, but could that possibly be a family feeling awkward with a camera crew invading their home and leering over everything they say? Nah!
AND his family is from the Italian/Slovenian border?!? Bonus points from me.
But something's wrong with this picture: Ben's "very protective" sister is the one who signed him up for an inevitable romantic disaster? Love the darling cozy-chic house, but something must be very wrong inside. And things seem kinda stiff, but could that possibly be a family feeling awkward with a camera crew invading their home and leering over everything they say? Nah!
Episode 8 #3: Town-and-Country Ames
So how picturesque is Chadd's Ford, PA? Yikes--and the estate. Yeah, Ames is a prep-school boy. I mean, with a name like Ames, was there any doubt?
Ha! Ames' mom thought he looked "healthy," of all things. Clearly not gifted at noticing the post-concussive fogginess in those wide-set eyes. Though the sister, at least, is quite good at reading where Ashley's head is, which is...elsewhere.
Oh, Ames, citing the Italian renaissance. Such a soft touch for romance. Although that "most romantic kiss ever" sure looked like a convenient reach-across from here. Maybe his bar is set a mite low. Still--run away. Or after you get dumped, find a beautiful, literary way to carry your broken heart into the arms of a much, much, better woman.
Ha! Ames' mom thought he looked "healthy," of all things. Clearly not gifted at noticing the post-concussive fogginess in those wide-set eyes. Though the sister, at least, is quite good at reading where Ashley's head is, which is...elsewhere.
Oh, Ames, citing the Italian renaissance. Such a soft touch for romance. Although that "most romantic kiss ever" sure looked like a convenient reach-across from here. Maybe his bar is set a mite low. Still--run away. Or after you get dumped, find a beautiful, literary way to carry your broken heart into the arms of a much, much, better woman.
Episode 8 #2: Constantine from Cumming
What a lousy name for a town. Still, it looks nice, and the home brew on his coffee must be stronger because Constantine looks AWAKE and is talking a LOT faster than I've seen him out on the road.
First stop: The family restaurant. Is anybody else wishing that Ashley was wearing a hairnet over all those salad ingredients and pizza sauce? Sure, all those lookey-loo staff peeking in the window acted charmed and googly, but what they're REALLY thinking is Crap. We gotta restock ALL that stuff.
Constantine's mom's most important question for Ashley is whether she would be willing to move? Not, how are you with money, or do you like kids, or what kind of spiritual person are you, or even, do you love my son? Nope--will you make sure I get to keep my boy right here. Ouch. Watch it, girl. There are mother-in-law issues brewing here, right alongside that strong coffee.
Oh, producers, did you have to be so obvious? Hey! Constantine has a Greek family! We know all about Greeks because we saw the movie about the wedding! Bring them all in! Make them dance! Make them say Opa! Make sure there's an arthritic granny clapping on the sofa! Where's the Windex?
First stop: The family restaurant. Is anybody else wishing that Ashley was wearing a hairnet over all those salad ingredients and pizza sauce? Sure, all those lookey-loo staff peeking in the window acted charmed and googly, but what they're REALLY thinking is Crap. We gotta restock ALL that stuff.
Constantine's mom's most important question for Ashley is whether she would be willing to move? Not, how are you with money, or do you like kids, or what kind of spiritual person are you, or even, do you love my son? Nope--will you make sure I get to keep my boy right here. Ouch. Watch it, girl. There are mother-in-law issues brewing here, right alongside that strong coffee.
Oh, producers, did you have to be so obvious? Hey! Constantine has a Greek family! We know all about Greeks because we saw the movie about the wedding! Bring them all in! Make them dance! Make them say Opa! Make sure there's an arthritic granny clapping on the sofa! Where's the Windex?
Bachelorette: Ashley, ep8: Down Home
...or, as they have clearly warned us, "Someone's heart will be broken." But how could we be headed anywhere else when she lets us know that each of these guys is what she "looks for physically in a man"? And the one who doesn't get that credit? Ames from the "most unique guy" category. Is there anyone who doesn't think he's done tonight?
But there's only one way to find out! [Back] to the nuts!
But there's only one way to find out! [Back] to the nuts!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Episode 7 #6: Brad/Emily post-mortem
...or, ABC's Shameless Self-Promotional Examination of Its Show's Failures. From Chris, the truth: "It is with a degree of regret that we bring you the following." A small degree. Then there's a whole lot of degrees of glee with which they bring us this ratings-booster.
How on earth did Emily end up on the Bachelor? What is the process by which an apparently modest, serious, composed, responsible woman decides to put herself on this show? I mean, she filled out an application, prepared an audition video... She WANTED to do this. She thought it through and decided it was a good idea. Who was she listening to? I want to be totally heartless toward people who as full-on grownups decide to do this, but I just can't do it here.
So I'm glad the show ended with a dog lifting its leg on the Love Balloon. Says everything for me, in a funnier way than I could by myself right now. Here's to better things on the hometown dates!
How on earth did Emily end up on the Bachelor? What is the process by which an apparently modest, serious, composed, responsible woman decides to put herself on this show? I mean, she filled out an application, prepared an audition video... She WANTED to do this. She thought it through and decided it was a good idea. Who was she listening to? I want to be totally heartless toward people who as full-on grownups decide to do this, but I just can't do it here.
So I'm glad the show ended with a dog lifting its leg on the Love Balloon. Says everything for me, in a funnier way than I could by myself right now. Here's to better things on the hometown dates!
Episode 7 #5: The cocktail non-party
Yeah, killing the cocktail party also cut this episode short. Bam. You're done, Lucas. See ya.
Oh, Ashley: "Maybe I'm not cut out for this." Does it not OCCUR to you that NOBODY is cut out for this? It's the most unnatural, Machiavellian, impossible way ANYBODY could imagine to start a solid relationship. Just thought I'd let you know. For all the good it does.
But enough of you! On to the most recent failure of this show to help anyone find a lasting relationship!
Oh, Ashley: "Maybe I'm not cut out for this." Does it not OCCUR to you that NOBODY is cut out for this? It's the most unnatural, Machiavellian, impossible way ANYBODY could imagine to start a solid relationship. Just thought I'd let you know. For all the good it does.
But enough of you! On to the most recent failure of this show to help anyone find a lasting relationship!
Episode 7 #4: Ryan's date
For such a high-energy, talk-and-go-all-the-time guy as Ryan is, I'm bored out of my mind for most of this date. Maybe this is how they chose this episode to fill with the Emily/Brad business: there was just not enough going on with this date to build a show on. "All these people--it's just, it's just..." "Hey look at that bird! So cool!" And the capper: "Have I told you about water heaters?"
Oof! That look on his face when she tells him she's not feeling it! It's like watching somebody kick a puppy. And hearing it give a little yelp and limp away. And watching it curl up and keep crying. And then squeeze out a tear. And the cameras WON'T GO AWAY. Here's the deal, you super-good guy: You won't be able to keep the girls away when you get back home. There's a wonderful girl in your future who won't kick you in front of cameras.
Oof! That look on his face when she tells him she's not feeling it! It's like watching somebody kick a puppy. And hearing it give a little yelp and limp away. And watching it curl up and keep crying. And then squeeze out a tear. And the cameras WON'T GO AWAY. Here's the deal, you super-good guy: You won't be able to keep the girls away when you get back home. There's a wonderful girl in your future who won't kick you in front of cameras.
Episode 7 #3: The group date
Poor JP and his feelings. Poorer Lucas in his gold dress. Semi-poor Ames in the prom tux. I hope JP in the Rico Sauve tux feels better now. But no, bless him, he's in danger of tipping into Chantal's territory. That sweet spot between "I feel amazing things for you" and "I feel totally cool about you dating a bunch of other guys" is about the size of a tic-tac.
Once again, Ashley's "fun" meter is not set correctly. "I thought this date was going to be fun," she says in a slightly hurt, bewildered tone after the wedding pictures are finished. Problem 1: What guy, under the best of circumstances, thinks taking pictures is the best part of the wedding day? Problem 2: No matter how much he hates it, what guy wants to hand the bride off to another guy instead?
Oh, way to fix it. JP brought it home in telling Ashley about how he's feeling. Well done.
Once again, Ashley's "fun" meter is not set correctly. "I thought this date was going to be fun," she says in a slightly hurt, bewildered tone after the wedding pictures are finished. Problem 1: What guy, under the best of circumstances, thinks taking pictures is the best part of the wedding day? Problem 2: No matter how much he hates it, what guy wants to hand the bride off to another guy instead?
Oh, way to fix it. JP brought it home in telling Ashley about how he's feeling. Well done.
Episode 7 #2: Constantine & Ben's dates
Question: Are Constantine and Ben the same guy? Brothers? It looked like Constantine was reading his own date card there in the room. Are they both at greater risk because she can't afford to keep around two of the same thing? Forgive me. It's been two weeks and I'm rusty on names and faces and personalities, such as they are. So we'll cover them together, Constantine first:
Line of the date, from Ashley: "Constantine is really taking this lantern thing seriously. It's making me think there could really be a future here." So THAT's what it takes? No wonder American marriages struggle. No Taiwanese lanterns.
Constantine definitely has bedroom eyes. Or puppy eyes. If you sleep with your dog, I guess it's the same thing.
So now to Ben:
Tonight's editing prize: "We're going places. We're going places." (Ben's voice over video of him and Ashley buzzing along on a scooter at, maybe, 20mph)
Oh, Ben is definitely getting a hometown date. Ashley wants that Sonoma wine country tour. And my guess is that JP is exactly right to be pretty jangled by Ben's all-nighter with Ashley.
Line of the date, from Ashley: "Constantine is really taking this lantern thing seriously. It's making me think there could really be a future here." So THAT's what it takes? No wonder American marriages struggle. No Taiwanese lanterns.
Constantine definitely has bedroom eyes. Or puppy eyes. If you sleep with your dog, I guess it's the same thing.
So now to Ben:
Tonight's editing prize: "We're going places. We're going places." (Ben's voice over video of him and Ashley buzzing along on a scooter at, maybe, 20mph)
Oh, Ben is definitely getting a hometown date. Ashley wants that Sonoma wine country tour. And my guess is that JP is exactly right to be pretty jangled by Ben's all-nighter with Ashley.
Bachelorette: Ashley, ep7--Too little for a whole show!
Due entirely to the intense early-morning airport needs of a certain faithful blog follower, I'm kinda running on fumes tonight. We may be looking at a short blog, and apparently a short show. BUT, we have the Emily/Brad post-mortem voyeur's delight to cover, so...all bets are off. To the nuts!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Episode 6 #6: The self-immolating cocktail party
Hey guys! I'm going to set fire to myself with the little shreds of your dignity and the lives you left behind to be here! And it's going to feel GREAT!
Funny how thinking of what you want and how awesome it'll make you feel can TOTALLY suck you into a place where other peoples' feelings have NO place in your brain. Oops, Ash. One of those times it would've been a good idea to practice stuff in your mind before saying it. A little forethought might've kept her from telling everybody that the guy she REALLY wanted while she was stringing everybody else along didn't want her and so NOW she's SUPER excited to have them here.
Good brave walking-out Mickey. The only problem is that the boat that took him away left too soon--I think there are about three other guys who wanted to get on it.
Chris Harrison might not be getting paid enough.
Oo! Faux pas! He actually told her to "speak from your heart." Oh, dear no. Isn't that what just got us in this fix?
Oh, Blake! Glad you got out while you could. You--with or without the veneers--can do SO much better. Note how all the guys are hugging him and sorry to see him go. That's a quality individual. "I'm just looking for a friend." Oh, honey. You will. Real soon.
But how 'bout those previews!?!? How many bring-backs is she gonna get? And the closing line? "My heart is broken!" Yeah, baby. That'll bring up the ratings. Goodness knows I'll keep tuning in!
Funny how thinking of what you want and how awesome it'll make you feel can TOTALLY suck you into a place where other peoples' feelings have NO place in your brain. Oops, Ash. One of those times it would've been a good idea to practice stuff in your mind before saying it. A little forethought might've kept her from telling everybody that the guy she REALLY wanted while she was stringing everybody else along didn't want her and so NOW she's SUPER excited to have them here.
Good brave walking-out Mickey. The only problem is that the boat that took him away left too soon--I think there are about three other guys who wanted to get on it.
Chris Harrison might not be getting paid enough.
Oo! Faux pas! He actually told her to "speak from your heart." Oh, dear no. Isn't that what just got us in this fix?
Oh, Blake! Glad you got out while you could. You--with or without the veneers--can do SO much better. Note how all the guys are hugging him and sorry to see him go. That's a quality individual. "I'm just looking for a friend." Oh, honey. You will. Real soon.
But how 'bout those previews!?!? How many bring-backs is she gonna get? And the closing line? "My heart is broken!" Yeah, baby. That'll bring up the ratings. Goodness knows I'll keep tuning in!
Episode 6 #5: JP's dreamy date
JP seems like a genuinely sweet guy. Wait! Shoot! How many times have I said something like that in the last few paragraphs? Is Ashley left with nothing but good guys? Has she rooted out all the butts of our jokes? Is it up to her to carry the comedy for the rest of this series by herself? NOOOO!
Ah, bless her. Bentley to save the day. She rooted out all the d-bags EXCEPT the one still twirling around in her mind! He's the gift that keeps on giving because unlike a REAL person, he can show up ANYWHERE! ANYTIME! Like in the middle of a great date with another guy!
Ashley: If your heart is "beating out of your chest" about saying something to somebody, DON'T SAY IT. Yeah, dude's being brave, and a seriously good guy, but he is definitely uncomfortable. Big points for carrying that off gracefully.
Thoughts on Ashley's big sheer shirt? Did you see the size of those pockets? Now those are useful! You could fit an iPad in there! (Good catch, Dad.)
Yeah, Ashley and JP are going places. He's in it to the end. THE end.
Ah, bless her. Bentley to save the day. She rooted out all the d-bags EXCEPT the one still twirling around in her mind! He's the gift that keeps on giving because unlike a REAL person, he can show up ANYWHERE! ANYTIME! Like in the middle of a great date with another guy!
Ashley: If your heart is "beating out of your chest" about saying something to somebody, DON'T SAY IT. Yeah, dude's being brave, and a seriously good guy, but he is definitely uncomfortable. Big points for carrying that off gracefully.
Thoughts on Ashley's big sheer shirt? Did you see the size of those pockets? Now those are useful! You could fit an iPad in there! (Good catch, Dad.)
Yeah, Ashley and JP are going places. He's in it to the end. THE end.
Episode 6 #4: The Group Date
Hey look! Ashley's abs! But I think I need to back up and hear how many of her confessionals and voice-overs include the word "Bentley." Still. Present or absent, lingering or "over it," he is still driving this train.
A dragon boat team-finding competition? When did Bachelorette start borrowing date ideas from Amazing Race challenges?
Oh, poor Ames. He's taking all this stuff way too seriously. His brains got seriously scrambled last week. Team Red Dragon is FUNNY. I like that. Chanting "idiot" in Chinese and saying stuff like "We're getting smoked." "Yeah, dude, like salmon." And singing. Love it.
Oh, Ames, you playah. Elevator kissing. Love the way they felt embarrassed and pulled apart when the elevator doors opened. But the cameraman standing there with them isn't a problem.
Ben F: Who's the biggest skeptic of all? "This guy." But take note: He DOESN'T have two thumbs to say it with! Home run, dude. The audience loves you. Let's hope Ashley keeps that Sonoma life vision front and center. Maybe Mickey the Chef could come along and cook some great Sonoma food to go with their wine. I find him to be also amusing.
A dragon boat team-finding competition? When did Bachelorette start borrowing date ideas from Amazing Race challenges?
Oh, poor Ames. He's taking all this stuff way too seriously. His brains got seriously scrambled last week. Team Red Dragon is FUNNY. I like that. Chanting "idiot" in Chinese and saying stuff like "We're getting smoked." "Yeah, dude, like salmon." And singing. Love it.
Oh, Ames, you playah. Elevator kissing. Love the way they felt embarrassed and pulled apart when the elevator doors opened. But the cameraman standing there with them isn't a problem.
Ben F: Who's the biggest skeptic of all? "This guy." But take note: He DOESN'T have two thumbs to say it with! Home run, dude. The audience loves you. Let's hope Ashley keeps that Sonoma life vision front and center. Maybe Mickey the Chef could come along and cook some great Sonoma food to go with their wine. I find him to be also amusing.
Episode 6 #3: Lucas' date
BTW, I love the commercial for the limited-edition Huggies denim diaper with the kid swagging to the valet-opened limo. "My diaper is full...of fashion." Bentley to be?
Why does she think EVER telling the guys about her hangup about another guy would be a good idea? Which insecurity of her own from her time with Brad is she forgetting about?
Line from this segment: "Look at the street market. They're selling things." That's about as good as the conversation seemed to get. Lucas is coming across as pretty dull.
Ooo. He's divorced. Not gonna last. Which confession he follows up immediately with the other relationship killer: Referring to another woman as "the love of my life." But of course she's still too Bentley-whipped to trust herself to make a harsh judgment. So he gets a rose! Because there's "something about his manlihood" that makes her feel protected. From herself? If only.
Why does she think EVER telling the guys about her hangup about another guy would be a good idea? Which insecurity of her own from her time with Brad is she forgetting about?
Line from this segment: "Look at the street market. They're selling things." That's about as good as the conversation seemed to get. Lucas is coming across as pretty dull.
Ooo. He's divorced. Not gonna last. Which confession he follows up immediately with the other relationship killer: Referring to another woman as "the love of my life." But of course she's still too Bentley-whipped to trust herself to make a harsh judgment. So he gets a rose! Because there's "something about his manlihood" that makes her feel protected. From herself? If only.
Episode 6 #2: Bentley Redux
Note: Any guy who's looking out the window and all over the room when he's saying his feelings for you are real is LYING.
OO! Snap! She just told him he needs to be a man and end it if that's where it's headed. Maybe Chris's subtle mind-plants have begun to take root.
My, this is a lot of awkward silent sitting on the couch.
Huh. Well, that was quick and anticlimactic. I sure preferred a dude busting through the bushes in a cast.
OO! Snap! She just told him he needs to be a man and end it if that's where it's headed. Maybe Chris's subtle mind-plants have begun to take root.
My, this is a lot of awkward silent sitting on the couch.
Huh. Well, that was quick and anticlimactic. I sure preferred a dude busting through the bushes in a cast.
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 6--Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Here's my theory: Ashley has such low self esteem that deep down she thinks all she really deserves is an unavailable d-bag. Anybody who's really good is going to be doubted, questioned, and thrown away. Tonight, she WILL sabotage any chance she might've had with a pleasant, shallow, good-looking guy who wanted a giggling, shallow, slightly bowlegged litle girl. So let's get ready to enjoy it!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Episode 5 #5: The cocktail party/rose ceremony
...or "Be true to yourself," in which Ashley tells everybody to open up. Put it all out there. Because that worked out so well for Chantal.
Ames still looks a little stunned. I hope he doesn't open up to a degree that he starts saying something embarrassing about his gastrointestinal health.
And she's completely messing everything up for herself with her head still wrapped around Bentley. Did he even begin to guess that his little game would have THIS many repercussions?
So slam goes the cocktail party, and she leaves to tell Chris...bring me the head of Bentley. Why is she hesitating to tell this to Chris? She's been talking about Bentley in all these confessionals. Does she think it's like a priest's confessional? Does she not realize she's talking to producers who TALK TO EACH OTHER and perhaps, oh, maybe, THE HOST?
Scratch my earlier post! The REAL line of the night, from Chris, in response to Ashley's "In times where I need comfort, I think about him. Is that normal?" Here it comes:
"No."
Touche! This man is clearly a professional. Chris Harrison and Cat Deely should get together. They would breed PERFECT hosts.
What are the producers thinking while they listen to her waffle and whine and fret? Is this gonna blow our schedule? Ruin our show? Do whatever it takes! FIX THIS!
To the rose ceremony, where Ames is still not quite focusing on the right thing. Hooray! He recognized his own name and hit his mark to get the rose! Better visual acuity tomorrow, buddy, we hope.
Goodbye invisible surfer dude. No surprises. Nick? Is that the name? He seems like a nice enough guy, with good enough looks to fare pretty well on his own. If only he didn't show catastrophic lack of judgment by going on the Bachelorette...
To Hong Kong! One of her favorite cities in the world, because everybody is her size! Where all the bachelors are going to be furious to learn she's been carrying a torch for Bentley all this time! Where she's going to ruin EVERYTHING for herself! There is no way for anybody to screw this up: Next week is going to be stupendous.
Ames still looks a little stunned. I hope he doesn't open up to a degree that he starts saying something embarrassing about his gastrointestinal health.
And she's completely messing everything up for herself with her head still wrapped around Bentley. Did he even begin to guess that his little game would have THIS many repercussions?
So slam goes the cocktail party, and she leaves to tell Chris...bring me the head of Bentley. Why is she hesitating to tell this to Chris? She's been talking about Bentley in all these confessionals. Does she think it's like a priest's confessional? Does she not realize she's talking to producers who TALK TO EACH OTHER and perhaps, oh, maybe, THE HOST?
Scratch my earlier post! The REAL line of the night, from Chris, in response to Ashley's "In times where I need comfort, I think about him. Is that normal?" Here it comes:
"No."
Touche! This man is clearly a professional. Chris Harrison and Cat Deely should get together. They would breed PERFECT hosts.
What are the producers thinking while they listen to her waffle and whine and fret? Is this gonna blow our schedule? Ruin our show? Do whatever it takes! FIX THIS!
To the rose ceremony, where Ames is still not quite focusing on the right thing. Hooray! He recognized his own name and hit his mark to get the rose! Better visual acuity tomorrow, buddy, we hope.
Goodbye invisible surfer dude. No surprises. Nick? Is that the name? He seems like a nice enough guy, with good enough looks to fare pretty well on his own. If only he didn't show catastrophic lack of judgment by going on the Bachelorette...
To Hong Kong! One of her favorite cities in the world, because everybody is her size! Where all the bachelors are going to be furious to learn she's been carrying a torch for Bentley all this time! Where she's going to ruin EVERYTHING for herself! There is no way for anybody to screw this up: Next week is going to be stupendous.
Episode 5 #4: The Thunderdome date
"Who's got two thumbs as is going home with a rose? This guy." Yeah, William is THAT guy. This should be weird. Ben C is stiff and William is a jerk. Evidence? "I can be the funniest guy in the room." And he thinks it's true.
Did you catch that sheepish "uh, it wasn't me, dude" look William gave when Ben C glanced at him after he got the ax? I think that was part of "I can be the biggest **** in the room." Yet again, Ashley's showing herself a very astute instantaneous judge of character.
"I'm a 30-year-old boy." Ow. So true. Note for the future: That line is never gonna play with the non-party-girl set. Also true: "I am the world's biggest **** jackass." Good job, Ashley! And yes, William, you're right, that problem has been plaguing you all along and will continue to. Who has two thumbs and no lasting romance in his future? Yeah, this guy.
Did you catch that sheepish "uh, it wasn't me, dude" look William gave when Ben C glanced at him after he got the ax? I think that was part of "I can be the biggest **** in the room." Yet again, Ashley's showing herself a very astute instantaneous judge of character.
"I'm a 30-year-old boy." Ow. So true. Note for the future: That line is never gonna play with the non-party-girl set. Also true: "I am the world's biggest **** jackass." Good job, Ashley! And yes, William, you're right, that problem has been plaguing you all along and will continue to. Who has two thumbs and no lasting romance in his future? Yeah, this guy.
Episode 5 #3: FIGHT CLUB!
All About Ashley's Abs. She's not going to participate, but she's going to demo some kick boxing for us anyway. As a warm-up to window shopping at the meat market. Nope! Not window shopping! She's gonna handle the merchandise and take a push-up ride or two.
Quote of the night, Ashley, as a precursor to the first fight: "I just hope they don't take it too seriously and have some fun with it." You do realize you just put two testosterone-impaired pectoral adult males, fighting for the attention of a single female in spandex, in a boxing ring together? Do you notice how she's cringing in every shot while the guys are laughing and pointing and cheering? Boys are stupid. Fighting is stupid. Loved li'l JP's attitude, though. Poor Ames. I think he's even less excited about the hot pink shorts there in the hospital in front of all the med staff.
Oo! Quote of the night followup at the cocktail party: "I thought it was gonna be a fun thing and I thought everyone was going to bond." Has she ever actually known any human males older than, mmm, 10?
Okay, I see Ryan's over-chipper side there at the cocktail party giggling over his bruises. Sheesh Ames is messed up. I hope they keep him away from the alcohol.
And the rose goes to...Blake the I-haven't-had-much-reassurance dentist. Getting the rose put an "instant smile on my face." Way to work the veneers.
And in the final shot, WHO PUT A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE IN AMES' HAND?!?
Quote of the night, Ashley, as a precursor to the first fight: "I just hope they don't take it too seriously and have some fun with it." You do realize you just put two testosterone-impaired pectoral adult males, fighting for the attention of a single female in spandex, in a boxing ring together? Do you notice how she's cringing in every shot while the guys are laughing and pointing and cheering? Boys are stupid. Fighting is stupid. Loved li'l JP's attitude, though. Poor Ames. I think he's even less excited about the hot pink shorts there in the hospital in front of all the med staff.
Oo! Quote of the night followup at the cocktail party: "I thought it was gonna be a fun thing and I thought everyone was going to bond." Has she ever actually known any human males older than, mmm, 10?
Okay, I see Ryan's over-chipper side there at the cocktail party giggling over his bruises. Sheesh Ames is messed up. I hope they keep him away from the alcohol.
And the rose goes to...Blake the I-haven't-had-much-reassurance dentist. Getting the rose put an "instant smile on my face." Way to work the veneers.
And in the final shot, WHO PUT A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE IN AMES' HAND?!?
Episode 5 #2: Ben F.'s date
This segment title really is as it has to be. I'm not abbreviating something that should be bleeped.
Yes, I want to go to that place. Dad says it's cheap. This makes for great travel TV. Do you love how they're working themselves up over the naughtiness of wanting to kiss at the temple? You want to, right? But we can't. But you want to. But we can't. You know we can't. It's terrible we can't. Yeah, terrible. Make you think of Claire and Phil Dunphy playing adulterers?
Ah, time to work that vision of being a winemaker's wife in Sonoma. "What do you do? Can I help you?" Of course she wants the peasant dress and the bare feet and the golden light lying long down the rows of grapes. Looks like Ben F. is in for the long haul.
Good thing she got that rose out when she did, because it would've been awkward if those fire dancers came out in the middle of-- what? Contrived by producers? No!
Yes, I want to go to that place. Dad says it's cheap. This makes for great travel TV. Do you love how they're working themselves up over the naughtiness of wanting to kiss at the temple? You want to, right? But we can't. But you want to. But we can't. You know we can't. It's terrible we can't. Yeah, terrible. Make you think of Claire and Phil Dunphy playing adulterers?
Ah, time to work that vision of being a winemaker's wife in Sonoma. "What do you do? Can I help you?" Of course she wants the peasant dress and the bare feet and the golden light lying long down the rows of grapes. Looks like Ben F. is in for the long haul.
Good thing she got that rose out when she did, because it would've been awkward if those fire dancers came out in the middle of-- what? Contrived by producers? No!
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 5
Very quiet week, ladies. I was at camp; what was your excuse? Okay, granted, it was a very boring episode. Better things this week. Bentley's Back! And he's back entirely because producers were getting as bored as we were, texted him, offered a ticket to Thailand, tossed in a few incentives (vouchers for the Bangkok hooker scene?), and told him to bring his bad self on over to kick up some front-row drama. Count me in.
I've never been so interested in Asia travel, but at about the 60-second point, I already think I want to go to Chiang Mai. Especially if I have the kind of budget they seem to be working with. So let's go!
I've never been so interested in Asia travel, but at about the 60-second point, I already think I want to go to Chiang Mai. Especially if I have the kind of budget they seem to be working with. So let's go!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Episode 4 #5: The cocktail party/rose ceremony
Bold move, horizontal stripes. Bet she wouldn't try that if she had competition in the room.
West the Tragic Widower: There's no way Ashley wants to be the second woman in somebody's life. But of course she's couching it in terms of "I don't know if he's ready." This guy won't last long.
Lucas the Tragic Divorced Guy: There's no way Ashley wants to step into the arms of damaged goods, either. Always risky to be with a guy who let himself "fall out of love" once already.
Ryan: I can totally see why the guys don't like the hey-there GQ guy. It's the same reason advertisers don't use perfect guys to sell stuff to men. Blake "Caps" the Dentist is a stand-up guy for telling him so, rather than just joining in gossip circle. Short of a major disaster, he'll be around for a while.
Bold move, Chris, putting your arm around her while you walk her out for the rose ceremony. Trying to stir something up with the guys? Aaaaand...we're back to Bentley. Chris is taking up the role of "life counselor," nobly, given the constraints of the show and the lack of ethical professional constraints, but Ashley is not picking up the REALLY broad hints he's giving her about him.
So does the extra rose mean an extra week for us? Goodie! Even if not, the thing we can be sure it does mean is the one guy going home tonight is going to feel like the pits.
Seeing who's in the final two...don't wear a light-colored suit. And I'm right! Girl is not going to take a chance on love with West the Tragic Widower. Poor guy. He's so much better off. There's a real girl out there for you who's not wallowing in insecurity. I'm sure of it.
And next week...MORE BENTLEY! Good grief. Somebody medicate this girl. May you all have a better night than she's going to, and may you never be troubled by feelings.
West the Tragic Widower: There's no way Ashley wants to be the second woman in somebody's life. But of course she's couching it in terms of "I don't know if he's ready." This guy won't last long.
Lucas the Tragic Divorced Guy: There's no way Ashley wants to step into the arms of damaged goods, either. Always risky to be with a guy who let himself "fall out of love" once already.
Ryan: I can totally see why the guys don't like the hey-there GQ guy. It's the same reason advertisers don't use perfect guys to sell stuff to men. Blake "Caps" the Dentist is a stand-up guy for telling him so, rather than just joining in gossip circle. Short of a major disaster, he'll be around for a while.
Bold move, Chris, putting your arm around her while you walk her out for the rose ceremony. Trying to stir something up with the guys? Aaaaand...we're back to Bentley. Chris is taking up the role of "life counselor," nobly, given the constraints of the show and the lack of ethical professional constraints, but Ashley is not picking up the REALLY broad hints he's giving her about him.
So does the extra rose mean an extra week for us? Goodie! Even if not, the thing we can be sure it does mean is the one guy going home tonight is going to feel like the pits.
Seeing who's in the final two...don't wear a light-colored suit. And I'm right! Girl is not going to take a chance on love with West the Tragic Widower. Poor guy. He's so much better off. There's a real girl out there for you who's not wallowing in insecurity. I'm sure of it.
And next week...MORE BENTLEY! Good grief. Somebody medicate this girl. May you all have a better night than she's going to, and may you never be troubled by feelings.
Episode 4 #4: Ames's date
So it looks like the first thing we learn from Ames's date is not to give your kids names that end in S and make possessives awkward. But he gives us the memorable quote "The last minute is the best minute." I like it.
I'm wishing the weather was better. This is stunning scenery that we're not getting to fully appreciate. But the clouds are their own kind of cool.
Still talking about Bentley. Holy obsession. I think he's growing to mythic proportions in his absence. Well played, Bentley of the mysterious motives. And whoa--it was all about Bentley from the beginning? Did he PLANT the warning to raise the intrigue level? Beyond well played--brilliantly played!
I'm liking Ames in spite of the widely spaced eyes. He could find himself the father of some awkward-looking children. But uh-oh--warning bells! He thinks you should be looking for feelings in a relationship! Learn the lessons of the Bachelor/ette! Feelings will destroy you! But yet another guy with the decency to restrain himself from the smooth-mover first kiss. We've yet to see how that's going to play out.
I'm wishing the weather was better. This is stunning scenery that we're not getting to fully appreciate. But the clouds are their own kind of cool.
Still talking about Bentley. Holy obsession. I think he's growing to mythic proportions in his absence. Well played, Bentley of the mysterious motives. And whoa--it was all about Bentley from the beginning? Did he PLANT the warning to raise the intrigue level? Beyond well played--brilliantly played!
I'm liking Ames in spite of the widely spaced eyes. He could find himself the father of some awkward-looking children. But uh-oh--warning bells! He thinks you should be looking for feelings in a relationship! Learn the lessons of the Bachelor/ette! Feelings will destroy you! But yet another guy with the decency to restrain himself from the smooth-mover first kiss. We've yet to see how that's going to play out.
Episode 4 #3: The group date
Wow. Does nice JP actually think this service date is Ashley's idea and shows off what a noble person she is? Aw, shucks. That's so innocent and sweet and dangerous.
Nothing much to say about the date, except watch out, kids! Wet paint! On to the cocktail party:
Well played, Ben F. of the misshapen elephant. Well played.
Well played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" and "I think you're beautiful."
Well played, JP of the "that sucky date was perfect" and the smokin' make-outs. Looks like he'll last the night. Or maybe not if the other guys kill him for carrying Ashley back from the beach.
Poorly played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" who turned it around and gave us the awkward "I need her for just TWO minutes. Really" and said...I can't wait to see you again? That was it?
Nothing much to say about the date, except watch out, kids! Wet paint! On to the cocktail party:
Well played, Ben F. of the misshapen elephant. Well played.
Well played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" and "I think you're beautiful."
Well played, JP of the "that sucky date was perfect" and the smokin' make-outs. Looks like he'll last the night. Or maybe not if the other guys kill him for carrying Ashley back from the beach.
Poorly played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" who turned it around and gave us the awkward "I need her for just TWO minutes. Really" and said...I can't wait to see you again? That was it?
Episode 4 #2: Constantine's date
Phuket, schmuket. Let's start with Ashley's Abs! And the mockery of date planning with the hotel concierge. As if.
How shallow is Ashley? Quantified with numbers, please. My guess is that she spent...30 minutes with Bentley. And despite a warning, she'd already put him in a tux at the finale, pictured a wedding, chicken dinner, champagne, children, and a white picket fence. And now she's still reeling from losing...what? Is the outcome more doomed for Ashley than ANY PREVIOUS CONTESTANT? Odds please. With numbers.
Lucky Constantine scores the bad weather date. Shoot. The original plan is scrubbed. Is Ashley actually going to have to come up with another plan? Like really? Like, on her own? Doubtful. Dad wonders if they're going to end up in the red light district while they wander through town. And he prophesies she's going to decide he's really the kind of guy she could spend her life with. But then the most profound piece of advice she hears from the old married guy is that you shouldn't try to compete in a relationship. If this is news to her...ouch.
Shoot. That is one pretty town.
And...we're still talking about Bentley. About strong and real feelings. What we learn from the Bachelorette: Don't EVER trust your feelings. You shouldn't even have feelings. Feelings will ruin you and lead you into traitorous relationships. The Bachelorette is the murderer of feelings.
These two seem to be having a genuinely solid, productive, normal conversation. I like this boy. And not moving in at the first opportunity for the smooth-mover kiss? I like it, but with this girl, in this setting, is it actually the kiss of DEATH? (Duh-duh-duh.)
How shallow is Ashley? Quantified with numbers, please. My guess is that she spent...30 minutes with Bentley. And despite a warning, she'd already put him in a tux at the finale, pictured a wedding, chicken dinner, champagne, children, and a white picket fence. And now she's still reeling from losing...what? Is the outcome more doomed for Ashley than ANY PREVIOUS CONTESTANT? Odds please. With numbers.
Lucky Constantine scores the bad weather date. Shoot. The original plan is scrubbed. Is Ashley actually going to have to come up with another plan? Like really? Like, on her own? Doubtful. Dad wonders if they're going to end up in the red light district while they wander through town. And he prophesies she's going to decide he's really the kind of guy she could spend her life with. But then the most profound piece of advice she hears from the old married guy is that you shouldn't try to compete in a relationship. If this is news to her...ouch.
Shoot. That is one pretty town.
And...we're still talking about Bentley. About strong and real feelings. What we learn from the Bachelorette: Don't EVER trust your feelings. You shouldn't even have feelings. Feelings will ruin you and lead you into traitorous relationships. The Bachelorette is the murderer of feelings.
These two seem to be having a genuinely solid, productive, normal conversation. I like this boy. And not moving in at the first opportunity for the smooth-mover kiss? I like it, but with this girl, in this setting, is it actually the kiss of DEATH? (Duh-duh-duh.)
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 4
Happy Monday! Having Michelle and Danny here the last few days made me miss having all of you here so we could watch together. But we do the best we can. So...to the show, and to the blog! Can't wait to hear from you all...
Wow...they are having a nice day in LA, or they pulled some excellent file footage. Group dates ahead, and ah, yes, the warning that you should have your bags packed in case you don't get a rose. If you don't, do you get thrown out without your stuff?
Anyway, we're off to Phuket!
Wow...they are having a nice day in LA, or they pulled some excellent file footage. Group dates ahead, and ah, yes, the warning that you should have your bags packed in case you don't get a rose. If you don't, do you get thrown out without your stuff?
Anyway, we're off to Phuket!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Episode 3 #7: The cocktail non-party
Girl, you needed to pick up Bentley's picture and smash it, instead of lay it down with a tear. Okay, Chris--here's your moment. Tell her the truth and let her get good and mad and get over him. Do it. DO IT. Well, without telling her, you're telling her. That's something, at least. The big question is whether she'll really get it.
Wait--so--William came back? I mean, it sounded like he would, and I was looking forward to seeing how that would play out, but then he's just sitting there on the sofas? Buh...okay. I can forgive--in an episode like this, there's probably lots of great stuff on the cutting room floor. This was an embarrassment of riches.
I probably won't have the patience to figure out whether a disproportionate number of the guys who got cut were at the roast, but...wouldn't surprise.
Dad: How bad does it feel to be cut on the night William stayed?
Turns out Jeff is weird with the mask and nobody without it. Terrible fix, that. But nobody held a gun to his head to make him lean on one knee and throw the thing in the fire. Once again, he only did this to himself.
WHOA! So how does she go from "I don't know if I can do this" to "Have faith in this. I KNOW this works"? Ah, the power of alcohol, fancy clothes, TV cameras, and an unlimited floral budget.
So how are we feeling now? I hope not too emotionally drained to participate.
Wait--so--William came back? I mean, it sounded like he would, and I was looking forward to seeing how that would play out, but then he's just sitting there on the sofas? Buh...okay. I can forgive--in an episode like this, there's probably lots of great stuff on the cutting room floor. This was an embarrassment of riches.
I probably won't have the patience to figure out whether a disproportionate number of the guys who got cut were at the roast, but...wouldn't surprise.
Dad: How bad does it feel to be cut on the night William stayed?
Turns out Jeff is weird with the mask and nobody without it. Terrible fix, that. But nobody held a gun to his head to make him lean on one knee and throw the thing in the fire. Once again, he only did this to himself.
WHOA! So how does she go from "I don't know if I can do this" to "Have faith in this. I KNOW this works"? Ah, the power of alcohol, fancy clothes, TV cameras, and an unlimited floral budget.
So how are we feeling now? I hope not too emotionally drained to participate.
Episode 3 #6: The post-Bentley show (JP's date)
Thank goodness the producers lit a fire for her to sit and think about what went wrong on the Bentley front. At least she's actually asking herself whether her instincts are to be trusted. PREDICTION: She won't conclude that a reality show won't give her instincts a fighting chance.
Wait--did he pack his jammie bottoms to come on this date? Or did producers scamper back to the bachelor pad and fish them out of his suitcase and run back with them just in time to get him lounging on the rug in front of the fire?
Aw. He's a way nice guy. Look how happy he is after that date. Another sucker for instant feelings, but...what's the point of fighting it?
Wait--did he pack his jammie bottoms to come on this date? Or did producers scamper back to the bachelor pad and fish them out of his suitcase and run back with them just in time to get him lounging on the rug in front of the fire?
Aw. He's a way nice guy. Look how happy he is after that date. Another sucker for instant feelings, but...what's the point of fighting it?
Episode 3 #5 The Bentley Show
Yes! Those ARE Michelle's fingers mixing in there! Doing a very noble job of transforming herself into a Good Girlfriend. Maybe she's setting herself up as the sympathetic, much-misunderstood beautiful girl we all want for the next Bachelorette! I won't stop lobbying for that. It'll only get better as she moves (further?) into her cougar years.
How long did the production crew have Ashley walk back and forth on those paving stones? How much did they pay her to go on about how ready she is to start her life with Bentley?
Aw. He misses his daughter. Cozy. Or Cuddles. Or My Parents' Toy. Or whatever it is. But not very much, because that's not why he's leaving. He's just tired of it. And all the others are idiots. And you're a...what, exactly? Whoa--wait. He's NOT looking forward to hurting her? Sounded like that was the chief goal up 'til now.
Bets please: Is he going to play the daughter card to make his escape, or go for the jugular?
Wait--the first thing he wants is a hug? And to keep hugging somebody he doesn't like? And he wants her to sit on his lap? Wow. He's doing a really awful job acting like he cares about his daughter. All the looking off to the side and the uh-um-uh. I bet he finds a kid really boring and tedious and sticky. And kids cry. And she's a girl, who cries. Unbearable. Wait--did he just fall asleep for a minute there on top of her in the corner?
He's worse than I thought. And I thought he was awful. There's an awful beyond that. But Ashley has full-on done this to herself. HOW DID SHE GET THIS ATTACHED? Object lesson for young women everywhere: Falling in love is EASY. Make sure you fall in love with the right person. And if you do it wrong and get your heart broken, you don't have to talk to yourself about it if cameras aren't rolling.
Yeah, we're setting a timer for Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow night.
Hey, JP! You lucky guy! You get to take the billion shattered little pieces on a date tonight!
How long did the production crew have Ashley walk back and forth on those paving stones? How much did they pay her to go on about how ready she is to start her life with Bentley?
Aw. He misses his daughter. Cozy. Or Cuddles. Or My Parents' Toy. Or whatever it is. But not very much, because that's not why he's leaving. He's just tired of it. And all the others are idiots. And you're a...what, exactly? Whoa--wait. He's NOT looking forward to hurting her? Sounded like that was the chief goal up 'til now.
Bets please: Is he going to play the daughter card to make his escape, or go for the jugular?
Wait--the first thing he wants is a hug? And to keep hugging somebody he doesn't like? And he wants her to sit on his lap? Wow. He's doing a really awful job acting like he cares about his daughter. All the looking off to the side and the uh-um-uh. I bet he finds a kid really boring and tedious and sticky. And kids cry. And she's a girl, who cries. Unbearable. Wait--did he just fall asleep for a minute there on top of her in the corner?
He's worse than I thought. And I thought he was awful. There's an awful beyond that. But Ashley has full-on done this to herself. HOW DID SHE GET THIS ATTACHED? Object lesson for young women everywhere: Falling in love is EASY. Make sure you fall in love with the right person. And if you do it wrong and get your heart broken, you don't have to talk to yourself about it if cameras aren't rolling.
Yeah, we're setting a timer for Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow night.
Hey, JP! You lucky guy! You get to take the billion shattered little pieces on a date tonight!
Episode 3 #4: The post-roast
I hope William is doubting himself as a comic as much as he's doubting himself as a human being. We could be getting a glimpse of why all his previous girlfriends might've been looking for something...else. A little less clueless and prone to do impressions or crack "jokes" at critical moments, perhaps. Oh, and Jeff, she doesn't care about your 3-legged dog right now. Why is it so hard for any of these dudes to see what's going on here? Ah, Ryan-perfect-solar-guy. Homerun. No surprise.
Any of those guys back at the house who didn't go on the group date will feel SOOOO lucky when the others get back.
Any of those guys back at the house who didn't go on the group date will feel SOOOO lucky when the others get back.
Episode 3 #3: The group date & sweet roast
Oh, Jeff. Such a sucker for whatever the producers want him to do. That's some real nice standing on the balcony and gazing dreamily into the distance, wondering what the view would look like if he could see the full 180. I think he can't breathe very well in that thing, which would explain why his mouth always seems to be hanging open a little. And he's been having trouble shaving, it looks like. Wait! Will he really reveal? Dad's wondering when Ashley's going to start doing Grammy's move-it-along twirly finger during his lengthy intro to removing the mask. And we've got...a guy who would've been better off going with his normal face. Though he does still have a slightly disturbing stare. I guess that wasn't the fault of the eye-holes. Oh, and he is definitely going to be HI-larious at the roast. You can tell that mask was actually hiding a big ol' goofy clown with a rockin' sense of humor. I mean--get this--he's gonna make fun of somebody's OUTFIT. Help me keep breathing!
Ryan-the-solar-exec is pure gold. He's gonna win the whole thing, for sure. Too bad he's a terrible comic.
Uh--William--who are you trying to impress? The famous comic? Uh-oh.
Ashley, have you ever seen a roast? "I'm looking forward to everything about this date"? There is NO WAY it can ever be ANYTHING but AWFUL.
...and whoa. Even sitting here months after the fact, in my living room, that was UNCOMFORTABLE.
But wait! It's going to get worse! The predator lurks! Go for the throat on the weak, bleeding little antelope! WHY IS BENTLEY DOING THIS?!?
Ryan-the-solar-exec is pure gold. He's gonna win the whole thing, for sure. Too bad he's a terrible comic.
Uh--William--who are you trying to impress? The famous comic? Uh-oh.
Ashley, have you ever seen a roast? "I'm looking forward to everything about this date"? There is NO WAY it can ever be ANYTHING but AWFUL.
...and whoa. Even sitting here months after the fact, in my living room, that was UNCOMFORTABLE.
But wait! It's going to get worse! The predator lurks! Go for the throat on the weak, bleeding little antelope! WHY IS BENTLEY DOING THIS?!?
Episode 3 #2: Ben C's date
Ew! Lookit how Ashley drives! Old lady driver--all up close and hugging the steering wheel. Maybe that's just when happens when you're the size of a child. Not her fault.
Hey Cheryl--recognize where they are? Americana Mall in Glendale? Where we shopped? At H&M? Where it was raining? See how much better it looks in the sunshine? Maybe we'll go back sometime. Don't assume another flash mob is going to show up, though.
...and he's in love. Just like that. It's SO easy!
And during the concert, who's the dude standing behind them in the major fur hat with the earflaps? What is it, maybe 68? California softies.
And as a way to kick off dinner, the no-pressure I've-been-looking-for-everlasting-love-my-whole-life warmup. So this is the one? The guy who thinks like a girl? Did he used to design wedding tuxes when he was a little boy? Too sweet. Way to put it all on the line. Straight up. Dude knows how to play the game. Take that, Bentley.
Hey Cheryl--recognize where they are? Americana Mall in Glendale? Where we shopped? At H&M? Where it was raining? See how much better it looks in the sunshine? Maybe we'll go back sometime. Don't assume another flash mob is going to show up, though.
...and he's in love. Just like that. It's SO easy!
And during the concert, who's the dude standing behind them in the major fur hat with the earflaps? What is it, maybe 68? California softies.
And as a way to kick off dinner, the no-pressure I've-been-looking-for-everlasting-love-my-whole-life warmup. So this is the one? The guy who thinks like a girl? Did he used to design wedding tuxes when he was a little boy? Too sweet. Way to put it all on the line. Straight up. Dude knows how to play the game. Take that, Bentley.
Bachelorette--Ashley, episode 3: Roasted!
Welcome ladies, to another Monday night. I have high hopes, based on the previews. What could be better than having one's insecurities hauled out, aired in public, and ridiculed! I may have a hard time not feeling genuinely sorry for her. But I shall steel myself. We have a duty, here. To the date!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Episode 2 #7 The "cocktail party"
William--oooh. Bad night for you. Impressions, cutting in...
Jeff, lurking on the stairs, blaming everybody for judging him on his appearance. Dude, the problem isn't your appearance. It's the choosing to act creepy. Saying things like "I've never been happier" when you're sitting in the dark with a mask on telling about your divorce and brain problems. And the producers definitely told Matt to walk up right as he was about to take it off. They're not stupid.
Ben whining about his lack of opportunity. Going nowhere, dude. Another midlister.
Why does Bentley want NO ONE to ever date him again?
Ah! She has good radar for when people are sincere! She actually needs to hook up with Phillip from Survivor who has his mad Special Agent skills for reading people. Together they could know everything about everybody.
Chris is here now to tell us that Ashley feels "really good about the way this is going." I'm sure that'll make the guys going home feel better.
Can someone give me a count for how many times she's told people to "trust this" or "have faith in this process"? Seems rather self-serving. All but one of the guys are going to get cut off at the knees at some point, so...what, exactly, is trust going to do for them?
Do the roses have tiny, tiny little names attached to them? There's no way she could know everybody's names by now.
Just me, or was Chris a tad late with his entrance, leaving Ashley awkwardly staring at that final rose and wondering whether she was going to have to do her own math?
Confirmed: The outtakes at the end are my favorite part. I want a feature reel of just Jeffy Masko hanging out with the guys, eating chips, swimming laps...you know. Just being a normal dude.
Okay, ladies! Let's have it!
Jeff, lurking on the stairs, blaming everybody for judging him on his appearance. Dude, the problem isn't your appearance. It's the choosing to act creepy. Saying things like "I've never been happier" when you're sitting in the dark with a mask on telling about your divorce and brain problems. And the producers definitely told Matt to walk up right as he was about to take it off. They're not stupid.
Ben whining about his lack of opportunity. Going nowhere, dude. Another midlister.
Why does Bentley want NO ONE to ever date him again?
Ah! She has good radar for when people are sincere! She actually needs to hook up with Phillip from Survivor who has his mad Special Agent skills for reading people. Together they could know everything about everybody.
Chris is here now to tell us that Ashley feels "really good about the way this is going." I'm sure that'll make the guys going home feel better.
Can someone give me a count for how many times she's told people to "trust this" or "have faith in this process"? Seems rather self-serving. All but one of the guys are going to get cut off at the knees at some point, so...what, exactly, is trust going to do for them?
Do the roses have tiny, tiny little names attached to them? There's no way she could know everybody's names by now.
Just me, or was Chris a tad late with his entrance, leaving Ashley awkwardly staring at that final rose and wondering whether she was going to have to do her own math?
Confirmed: The outtakes at the end are my favorite part. I want a feature reel of just Jeffy Masko hanging out with the guys, eating chips, swimming laps...you know. Just being a normal dude.
Okay, ladies! Let's have it!
Episode 2 #6 Mickey's date
Mickey wins the solo date. Who's Mickey?
Jeff: Still no date? Oh, baby. Maybe the mask wasn't a good idea. Or she got word that you'll take it off on the first date and she wants you to suffer as long as possible. Bet it itches. Bet it makes you more vulnerable to attacks from the side. Bet it means you go home famous but nobody knows your face. Oh, snap! The plan backfired!
Oh yeah, Mickey. Dang he seems like no fun at all. Not helped by the way they couldn't seem to find enough money to light his face.
Who wants to go to a Colbie Caillat concert? Yay! I do! But wait--I don't get to enjoy it with a fun crowd, and have to stand around with boring Mickey? And my feet are wet?
Jeff: Still no date? Oh, baby. Maybe the mask wasn't a good idea. Or she got word that you'll take it off on the first date and she wants you to suffer as long as possible. Bet it itches. Bet it makes you more vulnerable to attacks from the side. Bet it means you go home famous but nobody knows your face. Oh, snap! The plan backfired!
Oh yeah, Mickey. Dang he seems like no fun at all. Not helped by the way they couldn't seem to find enough money to light his face.
Who wants to go to a Colbie Caillat concert? Yay! I do! But wait--I don't get to enjoy it with a fun crowd, and have to stand around with boring Mickey? And my feet are wet?
Episode 2 #5: The group date
Concern about West: He says he's nervous about being in Vegas, where he's never been before. Like, what, exactly, is going to happen to him surrounded by a camera crew? Get lost? Not know what to do when somebody puts a hooker card in his hand?
Into the dance crew gig--wait! Yes! I almost forgot the season subtitle: All About Ashley's Abs. Thanks for the reminder.
I think all the guys on the dance crew that got sent back to LA are right--they're all going to go home before anybody gets straight what their names are.
Cheryl, you dodged a bullet. There were people in that audience who paid full price to see America's Best Dance Crew and had to watch Ashley's Abs and a bunch of dudes who didn't know what they were doing. You were better off lying by the pool.
Now to the cocktail party:
Bentley, playing his assigned part: "I want her to know I'm better than all these other guys."
I appreciate West not being Emily and telling the widower story straight up. Weird for Ashley to say how glad he opened up to her, like she'd earned a special privilege of trust, when he's just knows not telling in this situation would end up being weird.
Not exactly sure where Bentley expects to go with knowingly portraying himself as the world's biggest cartoon jerk on national TV. What career is well served by this? And what is she seeing in him? Supposedly she's been "warned" by someone in that weentsy little circle of Bachelor/ette contestants and the people who date them, and he was acting like a 17-year-old jock jerk when they were talking together. Wait...that would mean...Ashley's a...reality show contestant?
Into the dance crew gig--wait! Yes! I almost forgot the season subtitle: All About Ashley's Abs. Thanks for the reminder.
I think all the guys on the dance crew that got sent back to LA are right--they're all going to go home before anybody gets straight what their names are.
Cheryl, you dodged a bullet. There were people in that audience who paid full price to see America's Best Dance Crew and had to watch Ashley's Abs and a bunch of dudes who didn't know what they were doing. You were better off lying by the pool.
Now to the cocktail party:
Bentley, playing his assigned part: "I want her to know I'm better than all these other guys."
I appreciate West not being Emily and telling the widower story straight up. Weird for Ashley to say how glad he opened up to her, like she'd earned a special privilege of trust, when he's just knows not telling in this situation would end up being weird.
Not exactly sure where Bentley expects to go with knowingly portraying himself as the world's biggest cartoon jerk on national TV. What career is well served by this? And what is she seeing in him? Supposedly she's been "warned" by someone in that weentsy little circle of Bachelor/ette contestants and the people who date them, and he was acting like a 17-year-old jock jerk when they were talking together. Wait...that would mean...Ashley's a...reality show contestant?
Episode 2 #4
"Millions of people have come all this way to see this" (referring to the Bellaggio fountains) I actually heard as "Millions of people have come all this way to see us." And it seemed plausible. But I have journalistic integrity, and shall not attribute greater narcissism to her than I can actually support with evidence. Full disclosure: I'll keep looking for evidence.
Is Jeff/Masko this season's Michelle Money? I distinctly heard "I know I'm going to make her fall in love with me."
CHALLENGE! "I don't know that any other guy could be as great as William." D'ya think? Nobody? Not one of you other men she's going to make out with and profess affection for? G'on. Try.
Is Jeff/Masko this season's Michelle Money? I distinctly heard "I know I'm going to make her fall in love with me."
CHALLENGE! "I don't know that any other guy could be as great as William." D'ya think? Nobody? Not one of you other men she's going to make out with and profess affection for? G'on. Try.
Episode 2 #2
Nice moment with Jeff. "I'm taking the stealth approach while all these other guys are riding around in cabs." Do please speak up if you have the foggiest idea what he might mean.
You know, most guys would think a first date that involved ring shopping would be a warning. Instead, he ends up looking a little brokenhearted when she dumps him at the altar. Steppingstone Wills again. But wait! No! She's "actually falling for him." Actually. Falling. Because that's how love works.
You know, most guys would think a first date that involved ring shopping would be a warning. Instead, he ends up looking a little brokenhearted when she dumps him at the altar. Steppingstone Wills again. But wait! No! She's "actually falling for him." Actually. Falling. Because that's how love works.
Bachelorette: Ashley, Episode 2
Sorry for the slow start, ladies. Slow recovery from that Memorial Day barbecue. But the blessed DVR is cued up and ready to go, so we're ready to dive right into the first solo date. William. Being as she suffered the curse of the first date, I'm guessing she picked somebody she likes, but not TOO much. Oh, William. I'm standing by my assessment of a broken heart at minus-4.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The boys, part 3
Jon: Picked her up when he got out of the limo. Wound up going right back out in the limo.
Lucas: Oil exec from Texas. I don't remember a darn thing about him.
Mickey: The chef that did the lean-in not-quite-kiss thing as his hello. Lots of laughing in response to that. Lots of laughing in response to everything, so maybe that doesn't clarify anything.
Eric: Liquor distributor. Handy profession in this crowd. You'd think. But apparently they already hired somebody because he's gone.
Stephen: Hairstylist with the shaggy, over-the-eyes-I'm-a-free-spirit cut of his own. I can totally see her living her life with a hairstylist.
Chris D: Opened with a poem I don't remember.
Rob: Tech executive who didn't need to show up. Tech guy? Ashley? Nope.
Matt: Office supply sales dude who started out with a "secret handshake." Way to make her feel like you're a couple of kids together. Way to wind up as just a friend.
Jeff: The Masked Man. Lists himself as an "entrepreneur." Doing something so odd you can't describe it seems a good fit for a guy who is willing to wear a costume full time in front of other men. Good call, Ash, keeping that one around for the entertainment value.
Frank: Picked her up and did some carry-dancing, but because she's a Dancer, you know, that didn't go over well. Goners.
Michael: Tech sales guy with an eye contact problem. Too cliche? Also gone.
Chris: Uncomfortable Canuck. Made the Maine girl uncomfortable about the proximity to her roots. Gone.
Ryan M: Construction manager who showed up with his camera so get proof he'd been there in case he got zero showtime. Still here, for now, so he doesn't need the stills. But given his Bachelor/ette groupiness, he'll probably want every souvenir that isn't nailed down.
Nick: Personal trainer with Cali surfer dude blonde waves. He'll do well if he lasts until they get to the beachy destinations.
Blake: Dentist. Duh. Who else would have a big enough dental budget to spend on those gleaming white caps?
Constantine: Restaurant owner with a girl-bait name. For tonight, at least, it worked.
Tim: The drunk. Also described as a liquor distributor. Do complete shipments ever make it to their destinations? Does he get MORE drunk on occasions when he ISN'T worried about how it might look? He'll be dead by 40. Pray he doesn't take anyone with him.
On that cheery note, we're done! Time to share!
Lucas: Oil exec from Texas. I don't remember a darn thing about him.
Mickey: The chef that did the lean-in not-quite-kiss thing as his hello. Lots of laughing in response to that. Lots of laughing in response to everything, so maybe that doesn't clarify anything.
Eric: Liquor distributor. Handy profession in this crowd. You'd think. But apparently they already hired somebody because he's gone.
Stephen: Hairstylist with the shaggy, over-the-eyes-I'm-a-free-spirit cut of his own. I can totally see her living her life with a hairstylist.
Chris D: Opened with a poem I don't remember.
Rob: Tech executive who didn't need to show up. Tech guy? Ashley? Nope.
Matt: Office supply sales dude who started out with a "secret handshake." Way to make her feel like you're a couple of kids together. Way to wind up as just a friend.
Jeff: The Masked Man. Lists himself as an "entrepreneur." Doing something so odd you can't describe it seems a good fit for a guy who is willing to wear a costume full time in front of other men. Good call, Ash, keeping that one around for the entertainment value.
Frank: Picked her up and did some carry-dancing, but because she's a Dancer, you know, that didn't go over well. Goners.
Michael: Tech sales guy with an eye contact problem. Too cliche? Also gone.
Chris: Uncomfortable Canuck. Made the Maine girl uncomfortable about the proximity to her roots. Gone.
Ryan M: Construction manager who showed up with his camera so get proof he'd been there in case he got zero showtime. Still here, for now, so he doesn't need the stills. But given his Bachelor/ette groupiness, he'll probably want every souvenir that isn't nailed down.
Nick: Personal trainer with Cali surfer dude blonde waves. He'll do well if he lasts until they get to the beachy destinations.
Blake: Dentist. Duh. Who else would have a big enough dental budget to spend on those gleaming white caps?
Constantine: Restaurant owner with a girl-bait name. For tonight, at least, it worked.
Tim: The drunk. Also described as a liquor distributor. Do complete shipments ever make it to their destinations? Does he get MORE drunk on occasions when he ISN'T worried about how it might look? He'll be dead by 40. Pray he doesn't take anyone with him.
On that cheery note, we're done! Time to share!
The boys, part 2
Bentley: Oh, Bentley. Have we ever seen so much effort given to identifying the bad boy from BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE? Really, I could've filled in the rest after you told me his daughter's name was Cozy. Spelled Cozy. What kinds of problems do you think she's gonna have when she's 15? Oh, wait. Dad will think it's inevitable and no problem because he hates women. Can someone save this girl before it's too late?
West: The prosecutor from South Carolina. Tragic widower, the bachelor version of Emily. And about as likely to find the kind of deep and abiding love to replace the old one on a reality show.
William: The guy who referred to himself (with a charming laugh) as a "stepping stone," always the last guy girls date before they find the one to marry. Self-effacing, easygoing, lovable, and doomed. He'll have his heart broken at about 4-5. The dead alcoholic dad won't save him. The one we'll be praying gets the boot because he's WAY too good for this mess.
That's it for the ones that got previews. Now on to the one-liners.
West: The prosecutor from South Carolina. Tragic widower, the bachelor version of Emily. And about as likely to find the kind of deep and abiding love to replace the old one on a reality show.
William: The guy who referred to himself (with a charming laugh) as a "stepping stone," always the last guy girls date before they find the one to marry. Self-effacing, easygoing, lovable, and doomed. He'll have his heart broken at about 4-5. The dead alcoholic dad won't save him. The one we'll be praying gets the boot because he's WAY too good for this mess.
That's it for the ones that got previews. Now on to the one-liners.
The boys, part 1
Ryan P: The solar energy company guy. You could see Ashley light up like a firefly's butt when he started talking about how big a company he'd built. He'll go far. Because she's irrational, maybe not far enough.
JP: The NY construction manager, with the Euro close cut. She'll go for the suave factor.
Ames: The portfolio manager/J. Peterman character who's done everything and done more of it than everybody. Two Ivy League colleges! Twenty-eight marathons! If there'd been more time they probably would've told us he's run with the bulls! Makes flaky pastry! Gilds his own loogies!
Ben C: The lawyer from New Orleans ("lantern jaw," so I can spot him in a crowd), who made a point of referring to himself as "passionate" and "romantic" repeatedly. How far will he go for love? Do we have this season's Casey?
Ben F: The Sonoma winemaker, tho it appeared when he was talking with Ashley that winemaker is more of a sideline than a label for his true soul. But it's tres chic to say that's what you do, so we'll stick with it. Besides, girls love to picture themselves strolling between rows of vines, barefoot, in a peasant skirt, casting long shadows behind themselves in the golden late-afternoon sun.
Bachelorette: Ashley, Episode 1
Okay, ladies, here we go: We have a heavenly Bachelorette summer stretching out in front of us, made all the more fun by sharing. Updating my phone OS and losing a year's worth of text snark was pretty painful, so I'm finally driven to blogging. Ready? Episode 1--let's introduce the cast. In order of appearance, in batches within separate entries to keep comments close to their subjects. Chime in as you see fit.
Ashley: I believe this season's subtitle may turn out to be All About Ashley's Abs. Did I miss something, or since when was she a dancer? And a dance coach, apparently. Perhaps there's more use for the language of dance in dental communication than I would've thought. Ashley is probably my favorite part of this season, because she's so shallow and senseless I'm totally fine with eating popcorn while I watch her li'l heart get broken (as we were told, luridly, repeatedly, would happen). How bad can it hurt when you're so into your own cuteness you can hardly feel it beating? Good news: I think the extensions are weighing her hair down enough to reduce the tossing. Too bad they couldn't find extensions that would keep her hands away from her face.
Ashley: I believe this season's subtitle may turn out to be All About Ashley's Abs. Did I miss something, or since when was she a dancer? And a dance coach, apparently. Perhaps there's more use for the language of dance in dental communication than I would've thought. Ashley is probably my favorite part of this season, because she's so shallow and senseless I'm totally fine with eating popcorn while I watch her li'l heart get broken (as we were told, luridly, repeatedly, would happen). How bad can it hurt when you're so into your own cuteness you can hardly feel it beating? Good news: I think the extensions are weighing her hair down enough to reduce the tossing. Too bad they couldn't find extensions that would keep her hands away from her face.
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