Emily #8: Kinda boring, until it hurts like no other

An episode for men! After all these weeks of bundling up in chilly places, it's bikini time! And for the girls, especially Emily's cougar friends, it's Sean-without-a-shirt time! (In board shorts, ladies. Calm down. Heavens--we're not Europeans, you know.)

Sean's date: Is he at all worried that he's going on a private-island date just like she had with Jake the last time around? And as I recall, conversation seemed kinda awkward on that date, too. So hard to watch him struggle with saying those scary, scary words that no one should ever have to say to someone who's contractually obliged to not say them back and is actively involved with two other people. This is such a weird show.

Jef's date: Sweet sloop. But poor Jef has the worst hair to take outside on a windy day. Huh--it's pretty much the same after it gets wet. Have they ever shown us Emily's hair wet? Seriously great beading on her dinner dress, though. (I think I'll keep my commentary entirely on how things look through this date.) Will they ever show us somebody trying to use that skeleton key in a hotel door? Oop--she just called him Honey. There goes my Sean-only theory. And that's as close as I can get to something else to talk about. Really, these dates are very orderly and well behaved and kind and nice and good. Not much to say.

Arie's date: Who doesn't look awesome with a mask and snorkel? Nobody. Okay, everybody. Though if you're Emily or Arie, your chances of not horrifying the person you're with are slightly lower than those of the general population. And goodness knows the trained, fenced-in "open water" dolphins don't care either way. They just want their lives back. But lucky for the young lovers, it's another full moon night! Wow--they've had one EVERY night in Curacao! What an amazing climate they must have!

And deserving its own line: Super-props to Emily on how she's conducted herself with the whole bizarre fantasy suite issue. And plus-plus props on how she handled the issue with Arie. Well done, girl.

The choice: Of course it's hard. Who in their right mind WOULDN'T want to keep dating three guys (all easy on the eyes and apparently compatible) who all profess their love for you and escort you on dream dates that are paid for by sponsors? Wait--there are video messages?!? That's going to solve it for sure. Sheesh. I'd hate to think my chances were shot because I'm awkward at video messages. (Everybody equally uncomfortable with someone at a party telling you to look in a camera and say something to somebody who's not there? No? Oh. Just me.) I'm genuinely sorry for whoever goes home tonight. These are three class-act guys who don't belong on reality TV and one of them is definitely going to suffer. I refuse to feel sorry for people who sign up to do this, but shoot. I'm gonna have to break my rule. I like every one of these guys. Ah, Sean. The "you're so perfect" problem from last week came back to bite--she didn't crack through the perfect shell in time. If they'd only had a little longer...good luck, Sean. I'd like to say you'll do well, but you're going to have a lot of trashy chicks flocking around you, and finding somebody real is going to be a challenge. Shucks.