Sean #9: Final Exams

I'm puzzled by one particular idea about love: It seems to be commonly held that love is like pregnancy. You have it or you don't. And once you have it, well, there's nothing you can do about it. From that point on, you are only a victim of forces over which you have no control. Infidenlity? Well, it just happened. You didn't mean to fall in love, but you did, and then...[helpless shoulder shug]. Finally figured out the object of your affection is criminal, addicted, abusive, narcissistic? What choice do you have? You're in love.

The problem is that no one seems to appreciate how easy it is to fall in love. A twelve-year-old can do it. Over another twelve-year-old. You've seen twelve-year-old boys. A creature surely only a mother could love, and yet...there they are: the girls. In love with love. How many seasons of The Bachelor have there been? (Wikipedia says it's the 17th, but the Bachelor claims to be celebrating its 20th. What, them? Exaggerate? Promote something as more than it is? Surely not.) How many solo limo rides? How many girls/women/boys/men have left in tears, hearts broken because they were "in love"?

Now we can add one more. One that fell way too hard, way too soon, based on way too little. We were worried about Ashley from the beginning, weren't we? All those trust issues that seemed to be all she could talk about? The way she decided to take down her abandonment defenses at the precise moment at which she was at the greatest risk of actual abandonment? The way she was so thrilled to say "I can trust!" in the middle of a cocktail party at which she was a guest with a half dozen other women also dating the man in whom she's choosing to put all her trust? Methinks she's proven to herself that the world is untrustworthy all along by putting her trust only in sure-to-fail people and situations. Poor Ashley. I can't make fun. I'm putting about 75% probability on her being the next Bachelorette (tragic past, heartbreak, learning to love again--you can see the promotions already), but I hope not. It's time for therapy, and then for choosing one of about 10,000 men who would be thrilled to take responsibility for that trust.

Of course, the problem may have been entirely that Sean said during the opening sequence that he pictured them living together in "a little house in Dallas." Silly. There are no little houses in Dallas.

But let's back up to see how Sean arrived at his decision. He said at the beginning of the dates that "Traveling is always a test." We heard this gem as he walked along a palm-shaded path in one of the world's greatest resorts in one of the world's most beautiful tropical destinations. Is there a trick to this test? Does it only look easy? Let's see.

Lindsey's test questions:

• How will you react to dyed chicks? 
• Will you eat a bug?
• How does our relationship stack up to the ones I had in high school?
• Will you let a monkey take food out of your hand?
• Will you be endearingly embarrassed about expressing your feelings?

Pass! It's a good thing we have tests. Such a useful way to prove everlasting companionship! Sean learns that Lindsey will do/eat anything to impress him on a high-stakes date and that she has a normal human reaction to cute primates. He says he feels like he's "with my high school sweetheart," which is "just what I'm looking for in a marriage." I would be super-interested in any accounts of your most memorable high school relationship and what it would look like with both of you at, say, 40, with two teenage children who hate you and a father-in-law whose failed business has required him to move in with you and a dog that has just shredded the sofa. I think he's got it right, though, as proven by the adolescent awkwardness she has about saying how she feels (as opposed to telling him, grownup-fashion, that the situation makes it hard to behave normally). The result? A lot of uncomfortable pauses, a bizarre performance interruption, and finally, a forced blurt in the fantasy suite: "Iloveyou." Blap. There it is.

I found myself pretty much alone last week in being annoyed with Baby Lindsey. Stickin' with it, though. And I can absolutely see Sean ending up with her.

Ashley's test questions:

• How many ways can you find to compare our date experiences to your own trust "journey"? (No right answer, and it's unclear whether coming up with more or fewer results is the objective.)
• How will you react to swimming around in the dark with me through a well-known cave with a TV production crew in full knowledge of where we are every minute?
• How all-in are you, exactly, with this one-sided and extremely risky relationship?

Fail! To prove you were over your trust issues and that they would not haunt us for the entirety of our married lives you were supposed to NOT TALK ABOUT THEM ANYMORE. Oops. Surely you can see the confusion. Nice work on the cave/trust journey comparisons, though. The cave is like life! It's dark and unknown! I'm taking a risk here! I'm terrified and uncomfortable! You have to let go to fall in love! As painful as it was to watch her leave at the end of the show, I take comfort in Ashley's unwillingness to be intimate with someone while there were "still two other girls out there." In spite of all the gushing about Sean being her husband and the love of her life, it's clear that reality had a toehold in there somewhere. I've always thought the one who gets sent home right after the fantasy suites date feels worse than anyone else. Heartbreak doubled by regret. I hope Ashley has been spared the regret, at least. Now to the therapy.

Catherine's test questions:

• Can you lounge around on a boat, go for a splash and snorkel, and then out to dinner?

Pass! Well, golly. Anyone could pass that test. I have, in fact. It's super easy. Maybe the question for Catherine was whether the Fun Girl could have enough fun on a pretty routine vacation day. Catherine's a gamer. If you want adventure, this is your girl. If you want the girl to still be there in a year or two...maybe not. (P.S./A.D.D.: I do wonder how Sean's keeping his strength up with all these dinners he's not eating.)

And now, the essay question! Please, in thirty seconds or less, tell Sean everything you want him to know about how you feel. Only, don't tell Sean. Tell some dude standing behind a camera who may or may not have showered this morning, and the prompt girl, and the guy holding microphone boom, and the girl squatting on the ground with the reflector disk. Go on, now. Stare into the camera as if you're staring into Sean's baby blues. Do it.

AAAUGH!! I hate talking into cameras. The wedding videographer, popping up at dinner, asking me to extend my good wishes to the new couple? Uncle Creepy, at the family reunion, wanting to record greetings for Aunt Annoying, who couldn't be there? I'll work the fringes at a bridal shower all evening to avoid having to give video advice to the bride at all costs. And now these girls are being told to be totally natural, completely open, perfectly articulate, and that potentially everything is riding on whether they do it well. At least, that's what Chris said was at stake. And Chris never lies. I mean, has he ever tried to mess around with the rose count?

And again, Ashley failed. Her subject? Her own insecurities, still, and the way she'd laid them ALL on Sean. She handled her heartbreak with the utmost dignity, and I hope she carries it with her into her healing. And that that healing does NOT involve a turn as the Bachelorette. But we should find out next week, right? The women tell all! Look for anorexia, extensions, and shocking highlights to identify the next Bachelorette.

On the subject of casting, though, imagine my delight on finding this in my Instagram feed (a screen capture of a screen capture, I'm afraid, but you should be able to figure it out):

Kate is still technically single, and therefore eligible for The Bachelor. Hmm...is Chris recruiting? Is some Facebook network responsible for the way Bachelor/ette contestants seem to all know each other well enough to warn each other about people who are "there for the wrong reasons" or have unresolved histories with their exes? I think Kate owes it to us to get some answers.

Time to weigh in! We've all delayed long enough sticking our necks out. Who ends up with the final rose? I'm sensing some Catherine momentum. Movement the last couple of weeks has been away from intense relationships toward the fun. The most fun? Catherine. Full disclosure: I'm TERRIBLE at picking the winners. The better money is away from whatever I've picked. So call it!