Des #1: The Right Reasons

Welcome back! Did last night's opening Bachelorette seem as long to you as it did to me? I was watching it with Grammy, which does tend to slow things down ("That man doesn't seem to be connecting with her at all." "Chris? That's the host."), but I can't say I was any better than she was at telling everybody apart. Perhaps a little exercise in getting to know the men will help. 

To establish the context, though, it's important to remember that a person might consent/seek to be on The Bachelor/ette for any of a number of reasons:

• To be on television.
• To have an elevated number of opportunities to talk about yourself.
• To try to kick an appropriately mediocre acting/modeling career into prominence.
• To take a month off work lounging around a mansion with free alcohol, traveling with free alcohol, and getting a little first base/second base action with an extremely photogenic person with a well-maintained body.
• To elevate your future chances of picking up other extremely photogenic people with well maintained bodies at parties and bars.
• To show off that body you've worked really hard to maintain so well. Or that you spent a lot of money to have somebody "maintain" (i.e., "improve") for you.
• Free alcohol.
• Because you honestly believe you're the center of the universe and this is BOUND to go your way.
• To win.
• To find "love." (Insert eye roll.)

Only one of these is considered the RIGHT REASON. Of course, anyone who has that reason is a dope, and therefore a poor candidate for a long-term relationship. However, I suspect not a single one of them is thinking about the RIGHT REASON in my book:

• You are there to entertain me.
  

I must say, prospects at the moment look dim. The 25 men are a mostly indistinguishable bunch. A lot of dark-haired men "in sales," with the requisite slicked-back hair, indulgent physiques, spray-tans, and whitened teeth. Other than Juan Pablo, Latin Lover, with his Spanish guitar soundtrack, every one of them could go equally well by the name "Dirk." I guess this season will be Des and the Dirks. So, to whip up hope about this batch of meatheads, I've decided to use a five-smiley system to rank the bachelors on their perceived entertainment value. With a little help from The Bachelorette's website and my notes from the show, here's our cast of characters:

Ben, entrepreneur: Arrives with his son in a shameless play of the Noble Single Dad card. His explanation for the existence of said child, however, is that he came from "a couple of friends who decided to have a kid together." In their twenties. This dim bulb is poor marriage material, and yet Des gives him one of the early roses, saying he's--you guessed it!--great husband material. Watching his self-indulgence be revealed layer by layer to the unwitting Des could be moderately entertaining. Preview overhype of drama involving Ben makes me think he's on his way soon, so I'll keep his ranking moderate.☻☻☻☺☺

Brad, accountant/DJ: I have a hard time reconciling those two jobs. He's guaranteed to be really terrible at one of them. He's the one that asked Des to break the wishbone and then said "I hope your wish comes true!" Apparently he thought of the setup but not the punch line. ☺☺☺☺☺

Brandon, painting contractor: Brandon calls himself an "adrenaline junkie." This is the name the guy who can't quit bothering everybody gives himself. I think he rode up on a motorcycle mostly because he got kicked out of the limo by the other guys, who couldn't take another minute of "Hey! Hey you! Hey! Lookit!" Bound to make things happen, as proven by the way he's already claiming "I'm having life-changing feelings" and "I just met my future wife!" ☻☻☻☻ ☺

Brian, financial advisor: This means "insurance agent." In the bio, he says The Notebook is one of his favorite movies. So it's pretty clear this is a guy who will say anything to ingratiate himself to people. I do love seeing people trip over themselves once they start down that road. ☻☻☻☻☺

Brooks, sales & marketing: In the bio, when asked to elaborate on what he does for a living, he changed the subject. My money is on a job in a call center. Where, conveniently, he doesn't need to shave. ☻☻☺☺☺

Bryden, Iraq war veteran: This was a shameless Memorial Day play by producers. I don't know any other veterans who walk around the civilian world carrying military-issue firepower. With backlight. Besides, last time I checked, "veteran" is not a job. Why can't you just say "soldier"? This appears to be an admirable, nice guy being used. And in the cause of nobility, not allowed to be entertaining. ☺☺☺☺☺

Chris, mortgage broker: Chris opened with the joke proposal, which I liked and Des seemed to respond to. He seems root-for-able. ☻☻☻☺☺

Dan, beverage sales director: The tooth-whitening and spray-tanning in the bio-pic are out of control. Maybe they make people think the guy loading the Pepsi machine is going somewhere. Or that he's going to be entertaining. I'm not buying it. ☻☺☺☺☺

Diogo, marketing director/ski resort manager: The knight in shining armor stayed clunky all night. However, he left well, saying he "has an explosion of love and feelings to share with someone." So somebody who would've been a zero picks up a last-minute one. ☻☺☺☺☺

Drew, digital marketing analyst: He looks a bit like Casey ("I'll guard and protect your heart until you abandon me on a glacier"), which makes me hopeful. He was also very nervous and earnest, which is also suggests the possibility of over-the-top feelings coming on early. In the bio he also says his favorite writer is Hemingway, which means he's capable of inventing feelings he thinks he's supposed to have. We're on the right track, here. Add the alcoholic dad, handicapped sister, separated parents...best prospect so far. ☻☻☻☻☻

James, sales: Slicked hair, big neck, big chest, whitened teeth. Favorite author? Dr. Seuss. His angle is that if he puts enough energy into the exterior nobody will notice there's nothing going on between the ears. His meaningful line? "Loyalty means everything." Commission-based loyalty, I'm sure. Still, dumb has its place. ☻☻☺☺☺

Jonathan, attorney: On paper, his bio looked normal, his answers were well written, and his job was real. Surely there would be a catch. Ah, the "fantasy suite" guy, who in a stroke of self-awareness revealed "I have no filter." This one went out with a bang, pulling a last-minute double smiley: "My love tank has not been depleted for years, so it's just been steadily building. A very large love tank." Oh, that was nice. ☻☻☺☺☺

Juan Pablo, former pro soccer player: Juan Pablo wants to be an agent. But for now he's just an ex-athlete. Oo, the transitional man. With bedroom eyes, a sexy accent, and his own sound track. Never a good bet for someone who's vetting her men carefully. But for The Bachelorette? He's made for it! ☻☻☻☺☺

Kasey, #AdvertisingExecutive: On his bio he was asked to list his three best attributes. He listed "Leader, Genuine, Honest," and then crossed something out. I'm intrigued. Did he get carried away talking about his #awesomeness and lose count? Or was "honest" an adjective and then he decided the next word wasn't honest? What was it? #somanypossibilities #allofthembad. ☻☻☺☺☺

Larry, ER doctor: "Doctor" will carry you a long way, but "Larry" is rough. Being a morose drunk, who obsesses about a laughable dance-move slipup and can't stop apologizing for it (or taking his glasses on and off), then gets asked whether he's sleepy is fatal. ☺☺☺☺☺

Micah, law student: Most law students--usually high-achieving self-starters--especially if they have a good reason for being in law school at 32, would not list "is cool" and "is not cool" as the sole determinants of a good or bad date. Seriously. Check the questionnaire. Plus he has the smallest shoe size of the bachelors, which producers consider an important metric. (Do with that what you will.) Des must have as well, and sent the powder blue self-designed jacket and itty-bitty 9.5 loafers out the door. ☺☺☺☺☺

Michael G., federal prosecutor: He's 33, he has a real job, AND he's a size 14. Folks, we may have our winner. Then he did the clever looking-for-the-penny-in-the-fountain move, which seemed well received. This one could be enjoyable to have around. ☻☻☻☻☺

Mike R., dental student/model: On his bio he lists his "most outrageous thing" as having had sex in public, and he says he likes taking women to dive bars they wouldn't usually go to. He had a cute British accent at one point, but "lost" it. Final sign of a weak constitution. His white coat joined the blue one in the reject van.  ☺☺☺☺☺

Mikey T., plumbing contractor: Loser of the Michael/Mike naming contest. Mikey T.? Might spend too much time trying to prove he's not a 5th-grader. Because I didn't make note of anything else he said or did during the evening, he gets ☻☺☺☺☺.

Nick M., investment advisor: Another insurance agent. Normal looking, though, which is a rare thing in the vaguely financial/sales world. (The vaguer the title, the deeper the spray tan.) This was our poet, which may indicate poor filters. One can hope. ☻☻☻☺☺

Nick R., tailor/magician: I guess this is a guy who can whip you up a nice jacket, with all the handkerchiefs up the sleeve you could ever need. Still, a little of this goes a long way, and the postlude suggests everybody had WAY more than a little. Gone, mercifully, so we don't need to hear him keep saying "I have a trick up my sleeve." ☻☺☺☺☺

Robert, advertising entrepreneur: So THIS is the guy who "invented" sign spinning! How he "owns" this, and "sells" it, and travels all over the world as part of this "business" is a mystery to me. My friend is an office manager who sometimes employs sign spinners. Are they doing it right? Are they authorized? My head is what's spinning right now. However, this is a pleasant guy with a one-eyed dog for altruistic cred. And I think I caught a little sparkle from Des when he got out of the limo and took off his tie. ☻☻☻☻☺

Will, banker. On paper, I liked this guy. He gave the best answer to the producers' failure to update the questionnaire for men: "Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you"? His answer: "I prefer not to be pursued by men." Rim shot! However, he's got to get control of that high-fiving. And nicknaming. Des as "Athena"? Is this anything like Stealth R Us names from Survivor? Jill's friend Lizzy noticed he had no books on his bookshelf. Well, high-fivers are fakers. An intriguing mix. This guy could give us something. ☻☻☻☻☺

Zack K, book publisher: The sneakers and suit was a savvy choice. Just enough of a quirky touch to separate himself from the crowd without going full-on suit-of-armor/wedding-dress weird. ☻☻☻☺☺

Zak W, drilling fluid engineer: Oh, I'm delighted with this guy. This is a blissfully clueless narcissist, who innocently and purely believes the whole world adores him. I mean, look at these abs, folks! Look at them from my balcony! Look at them as I get out of the limo! (BTW, what was that car conversation like?) And when I have an opportunity to talk to you, how about instead I just take off my pants, too! What's to talk about? You already love me, right? I'm tickled with the total earnestness with which he says "I'm 100% serious" as he stands in front of the camera with no shirt and no sense of irony. And if that's not enough, things get fascinatingly weird when you look at his bio. He says he has an undergrad degree in psychology and English, and his master's degree is in humanities. And his job is as an engineer. I'm a little worried about his engineering work product. Or delighted at his self-assured moxie? Either way, ☻☻☻☻☻

If you're keeping score at home, we said goodbye to Fantasy-Suite Jonathan, Nick "I'm not just a magician" the Magician, Glasses-on-a-Rubber-Band Larry, Blue-Jacket Micah, and White-Jacket-No-More-Accent Mike R. We'll judge whether the remainder are here for MY right reason by how quickly I learn their names. Until then, I'm afraid we have eighteen Dirks and one Juan Pablo.