Des #5: The Blindside

The Bachelorette is not a subtle show. You can usually see what's coming pretty well. Like a fire engine, in fact. With sirens. And another fire engine leading out. The question (and the delight) isn't in figuring out what's going to happen; it's seeing how. So there were two things I loved on this week's show, not in chronological order: 

1. I got blindsided.
2. The hot tug.

This week offered a solo date, a group date, and (duh-duh) the dread two-on-one date. But more importantly, it has finally moved into the phase where it picks up the slack for The Travel Channel, which doesn't seem to find the world big enough or interesting enough to travel to and airs poker tournaments instead. However interesting or dull the interactions on the show might have been, we got the Alps! Or, as Chris Harrison told us, "your first stop on this journey to find love." Nope, not subtle.

On Chris's date, for example, we got to wander Munich. Producers, correctly estimating my interest in the date but underestimating my interest in Munich, kept interrupting the date to go to what was going on back at the bachelor suite. And then Bryden actually interrupted the date because he'd decided to bail out and absolutely, positively, couldn't wait a few hours to tell Des so. (Cue Chris saying "I don't think anything could go wrong." Did I say this show isn't subtle?) No, my not-what-but-how question is this: How did Bryden make it THIS far with a narcissistic streak THIS wide that didn't reveal itself before now? But it appears that Des is equally prone to self-serving thinking, as we saw when she asked why he would've come to Munich if he felt that way. She capped it by saying at least there are men like Chris who are "true and honest." Do you NOT REMEMBER having begged him to stay, in spite of feeling exactly that way, like, the last time you saw him?

I don't remember much about Chris until--eek!--poetry! But Des cried, so we may be looking at the winner already. She gave him a rose, and we transitioned oh-so-naturally in to the "brought to you by iTunes" portion of the show with a private concert by (say it, Chris!) Matt White. And, conveniently, his new release.

Next was group-date sledding and a super-pimped-out snow crib. Favorite moments included Juan Pablo trying to say "yodeler" and Zak giving us "Love is like sledding down a hill." Ah, yes. This is what we were waiting for. Go on, please: "From day one we all pushed off and looked down and said, 'Here we go.' We're all here for love. You have to let yourself go completely." Nice pickup, Zak, and a sure way to get your confessional footage on TV. And no, not subtle.

After we finished with all the heavily-padded cuddling, we finally got to the meat of the show: the two-on-one date. NOW is when things get intriguing. Take two men with Strong Feelings against each other, feelings that are in fact focused on the one woman they're both dating in front of each other, and then just straight send them both out with said woman at the same time...and watch what happens. Oo! Let's make one of them a lawyer who thinks a lot of his capacity to get people to incriminate themselves, and--oo!--let's make the other one really into his own nobility. K? Can we?

I love what testosterone impairment does to men. Or I think that's what was at work. It had to be something, right? Surely, on an intellectual level, anyone would understand that when you think another guy is a skeeze, and the girl you're competing with him for knows that's what you think, you'd know how many exploding awesome points you'd score for being intense and noble and restrained about it. Go all Gary Cooper.

Yes, that's it.

So what synapses connect to make a guy with an advanced education think that baiting, accusing, and grilling a dinner companion is going to make said girl, trapped at the same table, love you? We got a glimpse into the answer when Michael G. said before the date that, "I'm hoping she selected me and Ben to be on this date because she wants to expose him, and she wants my help. She wants me to be there and to show her why this guy would be so wrong for her." Whoa! By the time there's a fully formed sentence, fantasy has become reality and crazy makes sense. Are we all that close to the edge of reason?

But never fear! Des KNOWS this is going to be awkward and she has the solution! Water play! I confess I had trouble making the connection. Whether it's a polar plunge or a hot tug (AWESOME), how is water supposed to change everything? Oh wait! [forehead slap] Of course! In old westerns, if you dunked a belligerent guy in the horse trough everybody laughed and the fight was over! That must be how it works.

Michael G., I was absolutely sure, was dead meat. From the moment he knew he'd be on this tri-date with Ben and said "This is gonna be Armageddon," I knew there was no way in heaven or earth he wasn't going to step in it. With both feet and no shoes. In fact, I thought Des was going to ask him to leave straight from the table. And the rose goes to...Michael?!?!! GOTCHA! Well played. Well played.

The final non-rose-getter, on the other hand, was no surprise. The fire engine was coming with sirens blaring, and Mikey "the Shadow" T. was the only one who didn't see it. He set it up for us himself, actually, saying at the show's opening that he's looking forward to "furthering" his "relationship" with Des. At the group date he said he "needs" the rose because he hasn't gotten one yet. Oh, poor Mikey. Perhaps the clues were too subtle. If you haven't gotten a rose or had a date by now, it's over.

Next week promises contention with James "the Neck." Subtle? Unexpected? Of course not. But with all those steroids seasoning the stew, it should be very interesting to see how it happens, don't you think?