Des #7: Slow Day at the Office

Putting people under stress and then seeing what they do is the foundation of reality TV. Survivor, Amazing Race, Project Runway, and certainly The Bachelor/ette. Lab rats will eat each other in crowded conditions, and The Bachelor/ette shows us that people will do the same thing, as men are crowded onto undersized furniture or multi-occupant bedrooms and then left there with nothing to do but threaten and be threatened by each other. Fascinating group dynamics. But by the time we're down to the final five, the crazies are gone, the men can stretch out in the suite, the jet lag from the trans-Atlantic flight is gone, and now they're lying around in the sun enjoying the alcohol. To lower the tension even further, no roses were at stake or even on offer on the dates this week. This is a week to watch through half-open eyes, saving energy for next week when the low man-numbers get padded by crazy family members on the hometown dates.

No-stakes date #1 went to Brooks, where we were at least benefited by grammar lessons. Lesson 1: Metaphors, in which one concept or image or object is used as a comparison to add understanding to the nature of another. As Des and Brooks drove to altitude, through the clouds, our understanding of the nature of romantic relationships was vastly increased by learning that they couple didn't just "break through the clouds, but had a breakthrough in our relationship," and we learned more about the degree of their happiness by learning they were "literally on cloud nine." Note, however, that they were not "literally" on cloud nine. "Literally" means "actually," which is not true. They were standing on rocks. Shortly after, they stood at the edge of a cliff, which I believe is also like a relationship, but which they missed commenting upon. C'mon. If you're going to do it, do it right.

Lesson 2: Adjectives. An ADJECTIVE is a word that modifies a noun. For example, "scruffy" is an adjective modifying "Brooks' facial hair." Or "Euro-trashy" to describe "the combined effect of scruffy facial hair and long head-hair." When the couple (standing on a rock, NOT on cloud nine), decided to come up with adjectives they "like and love" to describe their relationship, I was looking for words like "shallow" or "inexplicable." I wouldn't have thought a list of adjectives would be that hard to come up with, but Des needed time. Later in the evening, after hours of concentration, Des announced that she'd come up with her list of adjectives. Oh good! Ready? Here they are:
stepping, skipping, running, and the finish line. Need I comment? Nah, you've come up with plenty of great material on your own, right?

No-stakes date #2 was with Chris, where we got to learn CONTEXT DEFINITIONS. Or one, at least. The word? "Awkward." After a lovely sail to an island picnic, Chris said how natural they were together, and that writing poetry together felt "not awkward." Tricky! Sometimes you have to back into a definition, and in this case, what Chris said felt "not awkward" actually WAS awkward, because that's how it made US feel. Taking the poetry, putting it into a bottle, and heaving it into the ocean was also awkward, or it could have been if the waves had smashed that bottle against the rocks into a gazillion little pieces. Trying to tell somebody you're in love, when the receiving person can't acknowledge any mutual feeling, is also awkward. More awkward? Doing it sweating AND in poetry! Do we understand "awkward" now? Des did not. She said it melted her heart. And in a good way, she clarifies, which is smart, because the bad way is more like the Wicked Witch melting (thank you, Cheryl), which would be really awkward.

No-stakes date #3 was with Michael G., which seemed like a force, and on which I learned nothing. I should have, though, because the girlfriends from Sean's season (awkward = hanging out with women who competed for the same guy) all said he's "so smart" after they learned he was a prosecutor. We got to see another metaphor (love is "like a roller-coaster ride" to explain the importance of their street-toboggan tear down the mountainside). Remember, he's "so smart," so I should expect that. Des is struggling to connect, though, because she hasn't seen his vulnerability. Here's where I could've used a definition. What, exactly, does his vulnerability look like when displayed on a reality TV show? Remember, this is the guy with Type II Diabetes and a doctor so bad he thinks he's on the verge of death at any moment. Is that not vulnerable enough? 

The no-stakes double-date was with Drew "One Fluid Motion" and Zak "No-Shirt-No-Pants-No-Problem." I learned I want to look up that go-cart track when I'm in Madiera. And that between a complete tool and a complete goof...I'm way more interested in the goof. I was rooting for Zak to get a hometown date all the way just because I want to see whether his whole family runs around without shirts. Or if they all get a slightly maniacal look in their eyes when they're excited about something. 

In the end, Michael "the contender" went home wondering what's wrong with himself. Because clearly something must be wrong with you if you're not the one among 25 that a girl picks. (Ahem. I'll tell you what's wrong with you: Thinking you would necessarily be the one picked from among 25.) So we'll get to see how Chris's family numbed any natural capacity to feel poetry-based social discomfort; we'll learn whether there was no one available in Brooks' family to teach him how to shave; we'll see whether Drew's icy too-cool-for-alla-youse glare is genetic or learned, and see how clueless-and-happy narcissism distributes itself through Zak's family. With this show safely behind us, I'm looking forward to having some quality material to work with next week!