Juan Pablo #1: The Audacity of Hope

"I think this is going to be a really good season."

That was my daughter Jill, clinging to the universal hope that this year will be better, that morning will come, that bullies will be humiliated, bank errors in your favor will go undetected, and ducklings will cross the road safely. Rhett Butler will come back and Tara will be saved, right? Hope is the power that moves us forward, upward, onward. Or that parks some of us in front of the TV, believing in the power of True Love to overcome all the obstacles of contrived courtship. Others of us (ahem, right here) find ourselves parked in front of the TV believing instead in the power of Astute Casting to provide us with 11 weeks of high entertainment. The first week is never a good bellweather for the season to come--too many people, too much chaos to learn anything very useful. But Bachelor producers have never failed to pepper the cast with just the right number of flakes to keep the stew interesting. So I have hope.

And it's hope that brought all these outstanding ladies together, isn't it? A bizarre, narcissism-fueled hope, but hope nonetheless. Consider the breadth of insecurity in the typical, less hopeful female:

• Do these pants make my butt look fat? 
• My ears stick out.
• I have a weird laugh.
• That mascara is how much? I'll take it.
• I just seem to be a loser magnet.
• I hate my knees.
• I hate her.

(In the final item, "her" refers to whatever prettier girl is in the room. And there's always at least one.)

Among Bachelor candidates, however, the thinking goes like this: "In a pool of 25 stone foxes, women so beautiful they beat thousands of other beautiful women to get here, all competing for one man with all the substantial resources at their disposal...I'd say my chances are good." These are women so mathematically and logically challenged that they see this setup as a legitimately solid way to find not just a guy, but a life mate. Speed dating, with a one-to-one ratio? Nope. Online dating, with a one-at-a-time process? Nope. Setup by a friend? Not a chance. A competition against a roomful of women who are all the hottest woman in any room they're in? THAT'S where I'm going to shine.

Now that's hope worth watching.

We got a preview of the season on Sunday night, and a chance to see some of these women before their limo-exit appearances. We also got a peek into some of their reasons for volunteering to be on the Bachelor:

• "I'm not getting any younger or more fertile."
• "I'm always a booty call."
• "I can stick my fist in my mouth."
• (Mom) "You need a boyfriend."
• "I can drink a lot of wine."

That last one is onto something. She may be the best qualified to do well on this show. I didn't get much else from the preview, except the squirm-inducing moment when Chris Harrison explained how the women would be notified they'd made the final cut by producers fanned out across the country to visit each one personally: "We're hitting all these women in one day," Chris said. Eeyikes.

Monday's opening show left an equally minor impression. Two of my three top crazies went home straightaway, which says a lot for Juan Pablo but not a lot for my entertainment prospects. Lauren, the broken-hearted ex-fiancee with the strange mouth and the overwhelming emotions, couldn't talk herself out of using her solo time with Juan Pablo to talk about said ex-fiancee situation. Amy J., the massage therapist who got WAY too ecstatic while giving massages, overplayed her hand (so to speak) by oiling up (did she leave prints on his suit coat?) and digging in on a virtual stranger who was visibly uncomfortable. (The unfortunate consequence of all too many massages.) We do still have Lucy, whose identified profession is "free spirit." It's always a puzzle why some of these edgy or oddball women stick around as long as they do. Maybe a weirdo that puts people off in a normal setting appears adorable among so many more conventional beauties.

Then there are the ones that seem too level-headed for this show, which means they're doing a good job of keeping their freak flags furled for the time being. Renee, the single mom, seemed to connect very easily with JP. He was also quite taken with Andi, the prosecutor in the dark purple dress. (Let's hope she avoids the contention trap that the last prosecutor couldn't keep himself from stepping in.) I like Lacy, the nursing home owner, as well. Sharleen, the opera singer, got a LOT of attention for her classical dress, which should be a lesson to everyone who thinks the key to being noticed is to show a lot of skin. She also seemed unclear about why she was there and how she got there, and came within a whisk of turning down the uncomfortable surprise of the first-impression rose. (My favorite line of the night: "Seriously?") Perhaps it was jet lag. Perhaps it was late-onset common sense. Either way, Juan Pablo wasn't reading the situation very well.

Other observations from the first night:

• There's nothing Juan Pablo can say that these women won't all giggle for. He's delightful! He's charming! He's witty! Now give us another line about how many and beautiful we are!
• I'm obsessing a little bit over the planning that went into the entrance for Lauren S., the music composer, who pushed a piano along the driveway. Did she get to do a test run? Or did she just take producers' words that there wouldn't be too much of a slope up or down?
• I'm also wondering about Molly, the dog, and how she spent the evening. Did Kelly (profession: "dog lover") bring poop bags with her? Is the dog going to stay in the mansion the whole time?
• During the previews for the rest of the season I realized I'd never noticed how many corners there are in this house for crying into. Suddenly the labyrinthine architecture makes sense. More corners = more crying venues. I was also puzzled by the women's restroom sign on the door outside the spot where someone collapsed by the toilet sobbing "I hope you die, Juan Pablo!" Aren't they all women's restrooms right now? (And is there something innately wrong with me that this is my question, rather than what he did to deserve death?)
• My daughters saw Juan Pablo this afternoon at LAX, so look for an LA winner. Or he was just here for promos and premier night. One of those two.
• Finally, I'd like to give a resounding round of applause to Ashley, the grade school teacher who took the time to comfort crazy-mouth, and said as she sobbed about how she couldn't believe she was sobbing, "So what are you going to do?" Now THERE'S a woman who knows how to take care of business. 

At this point, I don't think I've seen anything to really get excited about, but I'll go with Jill and choose to be hopeful. I mean, I just learned there's such a thing as a sheep pig. So anything's possible. And next week is right around the corner.

Mangalitsa pigs