Juan Pablo #4: Bachelorettes--They're Just Like Us!

If you've ever had some time to kill in an unmoving grocery store line you may have opened an Us Weekly and come across my favorite feature, "Stars--They're Just Like Us!"

That's some quality journalism right there, folks. What could be more valuable than reminding us all of our shared humanity? (I'm sure that's the intent.) And that's what struck me during this week's episode of The Bachelor: how very much like these inhumanly beautiful self-absorbed young women we all are. Or at least I am. (Remember, self-absorbed is one of the listed qualities.)

Here's where I was today:

Second-hand Souk, Riyadh

Here's where the Bachelor girls were:

Bachelorettes in Seoul

Here are the kinds of dresses I was looking at: 

Finery at the Second-hand Souk, Riyadh

While the Bachelor girls got to choose from a wardrobe that produced the likes of this:

Bachelorettes at the rose ceremony

See the similarities? In fact, that green number on Elise in the front row might be a crossover piece.

To keep going, this week I got to return to Riyadh after a monthlong stay in the U.S. Meanwhile, the Bachelor crowd got to travel to Seoul, Korea. Both trips are long. But I did notice that travel sure goes a lot quicker when you go by cartoon:

Whoosh! With some background giggling and a passing-jet sound effect, they were there in only a few seconds! Before leaving, the girls were told they had only an hour to pack, which didn't seem like a big deal because all evidence to this point suggests that they've just been heaving stuff onto the floor all along and only needed to cram it back into the already-half-loaded suitcases. But then I saw this:

Whoa! They have A LOT of luggage! And guess what? I also filled one of those carts when I arrived in Riyadh this week! I was supplying two people with six months' worth of supplies we can't get here. The bachelorettes, on the other hand, were carrying an unknown number of glitter dresses, cute leggings with boots, assorted spandex pieces, rompers and hot pants, and shoes and shoes and shoes. I'd be curious how much volume they could've eliminated if they realized that all their hair care and exfoliation appliances wouldn't plug into foreign outlets. Or maybe they already DID leave those things behind. Oh, dear.

For the first group date, they were told to prepare to POP! By that standard, only one did: Kat. She was bursting with self-love about her dancing ability, sure she was going to shine like New York at night. In preparing to act as backup dancers for a Korean girl-pop group, she claimed she was KILLING IT and that this couldn't be ANY BETTER and if the rose were going to be given based on dancing ability then she'd have it FOR SURE. (I have yet to see a talent-based rose bestowal, but I guess there's always a first time.) "I'm a dancer!" she bleated more than once.

Wait a second. According to the bios, she's a medical sales rep. However, we DO have one actual dancer.

There it is. Right on the screen. Didn't hear a word from her about it. I have to give some credit to this woman-child for her restraint when SHE was the one who actually had something to brag about. Later in the show, she also showed extremely high maturity with her unwillingness to join in a bachelorette gripe session. Yes, Cassandra, you may take two giant steps forward.

I'll tell you who IS just like me, though. Nikki the Non-Dancer. And I'll tell you who I WANT to be just like me: Chelsie, who could only talk about how incredible it was to be given an opportunity to do something no one else ever will. Gratitude and a positive attitude, check. Chelsie, two giant steps forward.

Kat, however, appeared to be moving backward. How did she choose to show Juan Pablo that she's "not just a fun and games girl"? By talking about her alcoholic dad. She also said, "I've always been the strong, successful, independent one." Well, shoot. ME TOO!

Sharleen the Opera Singer scored the solo date. Juan Pablo appears to be way more taken with her than she is with him. (Shades of Desiree and Brooks, anyone?) His choice indicates that he is anxious to date up. Admirable, yes, but wise? Probably not.

The final group date took the remaining girls around Seoul, trying exotic food like OCTOPUS! Hey! I've eaten that! So has about EVERYONE! We're JUST LIKE them! Well, almost all of them. Not Clare, who acted as if she'd been asked to eat a dog pile. If Juan Pablo wants to be just like me, he'll stay away from princesses. But so far, no.

For the sparkly dress portion of the evening, Juan Pablo spontaneously made a vow to keep himself kissing-abstinent. Coincidentally and unfortunately, each of the women spontaneously decided they NEEDED to be kissed that particular night. Oops! Communication is at the foundation of all successful relationships, right? Thus we ended up with Lauren feeling rejected and crying (the #1 biological turn-off to men) and thereby tying her own noose. But whose mouth did he find irresistible, the one that made him completely lose himself and forget his vow? Clare! Yes! The one who JUST EXPLAINED that eating the octopus made her throw up in her mouth. THAT mouth.

Clare throwing up a little in her mouth

Okay, I'm nothing like her. Or him. Except that maybe I'm starting to throw up a little bit in my mouth right now.

The cocktail party was marked by lots of tough talk from girls who WOULD NOT STAND for bad behavior from the others. Clare (surprise!) in particular talked about how she wasn't going to let people Walk All Over Her. And she did so while in the act of being interrupted by Nikki and stepping aside without asserting herself in the slightest. What she did do instead was create a super-uncomfortable passive-aggressively confrontational moment across an innocent dog-loving third party a little later:

Lesson: Don't be the girl in the middle. In the end, though, no harm no foul YET among the girls who are making each other mad. The go-homers were Elise of the Low Camera Time and the Strange Dress,

and Lauren of the Bad Timing and the Practical Khaki Jacket.

But their time will come, guaranteed. As it will for all of us because, well, we're just like them, right?