Juan Pablo #10: The Women Tell More Than Usual

If the Make-A-Wish foundation ever decides to reach out to middle-aged adults in reasonably good health who just some have some cool things they'd like to do and can't arrange for themselves, pick me! My wish is television related, obviously. It actually comes in two parts that are arguably unrelated, but they're both REALLY easy to set up and don't require anybody to make any special accommodations. I mean, seriously--if a whole city can shut down to give a kid a Batman fantasy, surely I can just hang on the fringes of stuff that's already happening, right? So here's what I want:

1. A chance to sit in the writer's room of a really smart-funny show and watch the whole thing get thought of and put together. The Daily Show, New Girl, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family. Time travel, if available, would be even better, because then I could get Arrested Development and 30 Rock, and maybe even select favorite episodes WITHIN the series. Not that I'm choosy. But...no Two Broke Girls or Two and a Half Men, okay?
2. A chance to hang out and observe production for a reality series and learn how it REALLY comes together. Survivor, Amazing Race, Project Runway. How much time do people really have to do things? How much setup is involved? Who thinks things up and makes arrangements for them? When do those confessionals happen? What's going on off-camera and how are editing decisions made? 

Given the competition, The Bachelor would be at the bottom of my list, but oh, I'd take it. I do want to know how the women spend their time in the house, how long some of those dates really go, what's going on among the uninvolved women during cocktail parties and group dates... Oh, and the screening process! I think it's the same impulse that makes me want to be a fly on the wall figuring out the behind-the-scenes interactions in some family that acts really weird in a restaurant.

The women-tell-all episode gets us as close to that action as we're gonna get. (And we're know they're going to "tell all" because of the conversational body language expressed by sitting with their hands clasped over their knees.) What we saw this time, for the first time, is that the women had a LOT to say that never showed up in the confessionals. But my unanswered question is this: Did the complainers feels as badly used by Juan Pablo while they were there as they did AFTER they were dumped, and then saw Andi lay it all out on TV? Was that the moment when a whole squad of ex-girlfriends ran into each other at a bar and started to say "Yeah! He was like that around me, too!"

Quite a few bitter babies, there, eh? We heard lots of complaints about Juan Pablo being exactly as Andi described--awfully into himself, uninterested in learning anything about these women. But then we had Renee and Sharleen who had different experiences. Sharleen in particular said he had lots of questions about her life and what it was like and what she cared about. An emerging but rather obvious theory: Perhaps Juan Pablo was more interested in the women he was, well, more interested in. He was crazy about Sharleen, and therefore wanted to know everything about her. With the others, uh, sorry to say it, but if he's more interested in himself than he is in you, well, he's just not that into you.

THAT SAID, people who have a hard time finding people more interesting than themselves usually end up pretty lonely. People who are less pretty usually figure it out quicker, but pretty gets you enough attention that a hollow core goes unnoticed for a long time. Thus:

Super-appealing, right? Those chocolate bunny people know what they're doing. Lots of people are going to pick up something that looks like it's sweet and satisfying, but when things start getting serious, look what happens:

Granted, some are less hollow than others:

Either way, in the end you're left with nothing but air.

Ah, but the perfect combination is a PAIR of hollow bunnies

Yes, these two are both so into themselves that the pretty one beside you just magnifies and confirms your own prettiness, and all the self-talk is just an expression of how AMAZING the relationship is because you're so OPEN with each other, and you can go a really long time before either one busts into the hollow interior of the other.

By that measure, we're down to the right final two.

I wonder whether Bachelor producers might steer away from smart women for a while, given the self-elimination that two of them took this time. As we, laughing on the outside, can tell anyone on the inside, the premise of this show is RIDICULOUS, and anybody who expects to find True Love here is not on solid mental footing. Your best candidates have more of the attitude of a Lucy ("free spirit") who wanted Juan Pablo to understand that "this is a relationship, not a game." Her free spirit is so free of touch with reality that she's lost track of who she signed her contract with. ABC. That's an entertainment company. But she also seemed to think she had a relationship with Chris Harrison:

And her housemates:

And oh, golly, just everybody.

Maybe her threshold for "relationship" is just kind of low.

Not that awareness of the ridiculousness kept Chris from setting Andi up for her "journey" as the next Bachelorette! "So do you believe in true love?" "Do you think there's someone out there for you?" "Do you think you can fall in love?" WE GET IT. I had my worries as he referred to Renee as "fan favorite." That's usually the way we get told who we want as the next contestant. But no--Renee is in a "situation" that she's very happy with. Phew. And at last we have a bachelorette with some brains and sass and edge. Just when I told myself I was checking out after this season. Okay. One more. But bachelorettes only. No more skeezy bachelors.

Because that's pretty much how it works out, right? Bachelorettes go through the process a bit more thoughtfully than bachelors have. The dudes get caught up in the crowd of hot women, get dizzy, and pick the wrong one. Juan Pablo lost sight of what he was after--if he ever really was--the first night. I think Andi nailed it when she said Juan Pablo probably thought he'd been a great bachelor. Excuse me--The Bachelor. The proper name makes a difference. All his onscreen behavior suggests he took the role upon himself as a role. Girls he wasn't interested in (in the long term) he flirted with and made out with and made eye rolls over because he perceived it was his job. I mean--he got first class tickets while the girls went coach, right? So yet another Bachelor season is headed for a breakup, whether it happens on the show or after.

Yes, previews were meant to suggest that Juan Pablo takes up his spot at the Proposal Station and then breaks and runs, leaving two girls in tears. I tried to read the tea leaves, and I'm fairly confident it's a fakeout. The girls are crying in their underoos, yet we also see them dressed up and ready to head to the proposal. If they got told afterward that he's gone, they'd have been wearing their dresses while crying, right? No, I think they're just being emotional at some prior point. My prediction is that he'll pick one interchangeable fake blonde self-absorbed reality-bender or the other, with the breakup in the tabloids by mid-April. (I'm at a distinct forecasting disadvantage living in a place without a checkout-stand newsstand where I can see which way the tabloid winds are blowing. Call me a sucker and laugh it off if you already know differently.)

So I'll end with my favorite blooper shot of the night. No, not the water-car going literally dead in the water (too easy):

Nor Juan Pablo getting up from telling the camera he was ready for the next rose ceremony and walking away without pants:

Nope, my favorite was this one, in which one of the rose bushes in front of the elaborately and meticulously landscaped Bachelor Mansion tipped over, revealing its plastic bottom:

There, ladies and gentlemen, is your says-everything shot for the whole show. NOTHING IS REAL. Which should do all of our hearts good. Those women's bodies? Nah, don't even think about having a goal like that. The dates? Come on, who does those things? The relationships themselves? Pff, hardly. And your front yard? No amount of Miracle Gro can ever do that. Take comfort. Be happy. And pop some popcorn for next week.