Juan Pablo #10: The Women Tell More Than Usual

If the Make-A-Wish foundation ever decides to reach out to middle-aged adults in reasonably good health who just some have some cool things they'd like to do and can't arrange for themselves, pick me! My wish is television related, obviously. It actually comes in two parts that are arguably unrelated, but they're both REALLY easy to set up and don't require anybody to make any special accommodations. I mean, seriously--if a whole city can shut down to give a kid a Batman fantasy, surely I can just hang on the fringes of stuff that's already happening, right? So here's what I want:

1. A chance to sit in the writer's room of a really smart-funny show and watch the whole thing get thought of and put together. The Daily Show, New Girl, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family. Time travel, if available, would be even better, because then I could get Arrested Development and 30 Rock, and maybe even select favorite episodes WITHIN the series. Not that I'm choosy. But...no Two Broke Girls or Two and a Half Men, okay?
2. A chance to hang out and observe production for a reality series and learn how it REALLY comes together. Survivor, Amazing Race, Project Runway. How much time do people really have to do things? How much setup is involved? Who thinks things up and makes arrangements for them? When do those confessionals happen? What's going on off-camera and how are editing decisions made? 

Given the competition, The Bachelor would be at the bottom of my list, but oh, I'd take it. I do want to know how the women spend their time in the house, how long some of those dates really go, what's going on among the uninvolved women during cocktail parties and group dates... Oh, and the screening process! I think it's the same impulse that makes me want to be a fly on the wall figuring out the behind-the-scenes interactions in some family that acts really weird in a restaurant.

The women-tell-all episode gets us as close to that action as we're gonna get. (And we're know they're going to "tell all" because of the conversational body language expressed by sitting with their hands clasped over their knees.) What we saw this time, for the first time, is that the women had a LOT to say that never showed up in the confessionals. But my unanswered question is this: Did the complainers feels as badly used by Juan Pablo while they were there as they did AFTER they were dumped, and then saw Andi lay it all out on TV? Was that the moment when a whole squad of ex-girlfriends ran into each other at a bar and started to say "Yeah! He was like that around me, too!"

Quite a few bitter babies, there, eh? We heard lots of complaints about Juan Pablo being exactly as Andi described--awfully into himself, uninterested in learning anything about these women. But then we had Renee and Sharleen who had different experiences. Sharleen in particular said he had lots of questions about her life and what it was like and what she cared about. An emerging but rather obvious theory: Perhaps Juan Pablo was more interested in the women he was, well, more interested in. He was crazy about Sharleen, and therefore wanted to know everything about her. With the others, uh, sorry to say it, but if he's more interested in himself than he is in you, well, he's just not that into you.

THAT SAID, people who have a hard time finding people more interesting than themselves usually end up pretty lonely. People who are less pretty usually figure it out quicker, but pretty gets you enough attention that a hollow core goes unnoticed for a long time. Thus:

Super-appealing, right? Those chocolate bunny people know what they're doing. Lots of people are going to pick up something that looks like it's sweet and satisfying, but when things start getting serious, look what happens:

Granted, some are less hollow than others:

Either way, in the end you're left with nothing but air.

Ah, but the perfect combination is a PAIR of hollow bunnies

Yes, these two are both so into themselves that the pretty one beside you just magnifies and confirms your own prettiness, and all the self-talk is just an expression of how AMAZING the relationship is because you're so OPEN with each other, and you can go a really long time before either one busts into the hollow interior of the other.

By that measure, we're down to the right final two.

I wonder whether Bachelor producers might steer away from smart women for a while, given the self-elimination that two of them took this time. As we, laughing on the outside, can tell anyone on the inside, the premise of this show is RIDICULOUS, and anybody who expects to find True Love here is not on solid mental footing. Your best candidates have more of the attitude of a Lucy ("free spirit") who wanted Juan Pablo to understand that "this is a relationship, not a game." Her free spirit is so free of touch with reality that she's lost track of who she signed her contract with. ABC. That's an entertainment company. But she also seemed to think she had a relationship with Chris Harrison:

And her housemates:

And oh, golly, just everybody.

Maybe her threshold for "relationship" is just kind of low.

Not that awareness of the ridiculousness kept Chris from setting Andi up for her "journey" as the next Bachelorette! "So do you believe in true love?" "Do you think there's someone out there for you?" "Do you think you can fall in love?" WE GET IT. I had my worries as he referred to Renee as "fan favorite." That's usually the way we get told who we want as the next contestant. But no--Renee is in a "situation" that she's very happy with. Phew. And at last we have a bachelorette with some brains and sass and edge. Just when I told myself I was checking out after this season. Okay. One more. But bachelorettes only. No more skeezy bachelors.

Because that's pretty much how it works out, right? Bachelorettes go through the process a bit more thoughtfully than bachelors have. The dudes get caught up in the crowd of hot women, get dizzy, and pick the wrong one. Juan Pablo lost sight of what he was after--if he ever really was--the first night. I think Andi nailed it when she said Juan Pablo probably thought he'd been a great bachelor. Excuse me--The Bachelor. The proper name makes a difference. All his onscreen behavior suggests he took the role upon himself as a role. Girls he wasn't interested in (in the long term) he flirted with and made out with and made eye rolls over because he perceived it was his job. I mean--he got first class tickets while the girls went coach, right? So yet another Bachelor season is headed for a breakup, whether it happens on the show or after.

Yes, previews were meant to suggest that Juan Pablo takes up his spot at the Proposal Station and then breaks and runs, leaving two girls in tears. I tried to read the tea leaves, and I'm fairly confident it's a fakeout. The girls are crying in their underoos, yet we also see them dressed up and ready to head to the proposal. If they got told afterward that he's gone, they'd have been wearing their dresses while crying, right? No, I think they're just being emotional at some prior point. My prediction is that he'll pick one interchangeable fake blonde self-absorbed reality-bender or the other, with the breakup in the tabloids by mid-April. (I'm at a distinct forecasting disadvantage living in a place without a checkout-stand newsstand where I can see which way the tabloid winds are blowing. Call me a sucker and laugh it off if you already know differently.)

So I'll end with my favorite blooper shot of the night. No, not the water-car going literally dead in the water (too easy):

Nor Juan Pablo getting up from telling the camera he was ready for the next rose ceremony and walking away without pants:

Nope, my favorite was this one, in which one of the rose bushes in front of the elaborately and meticulously landscaped Bachelor Mansion tipped over, revealing its plastic bottom:

There, ladies and gentlemen, is your says-everything shot for the whole show. NOTHING IS REAL. Which should do all of our hearts good. Those women's bodies? Nah, don't even think about having a goal like that. The dates? Come on, who does those things? The relationships themselves? Pff, hardly. And your front yard? No amount of Miracle Gro can ever do that. Take comfort. Be happy. And pop some popcorn for next week.

Juan Pablo #5: And the Award Goes To...

It is customary to name prizes after the person who serves as a model of the thing the award recognizes. Just this week the NFL awarded its Walter Payton award. Baseball gives us the Cy Young, Roberto Clemente, and Hank Aaron awards  (as well as the Rolaids Relief Man, asking us to never forget the qualities and accomplishments of...oh, dear). Hockey has the grandest heritage of them all, with SIXTEEN of them. (Doubt me? Check here.) For The Bachelor, I believe we need only one, however. Ladies and gentlemen, may I propose the Tierra Memorial Tiara:

I was rather shocked to discover I couldn't find a picture of her wearing an actual tiara, so the sunglasses will have to do. We can make our own additions. First it should sparkle, obviously.

(Note the desperation to be at the center of somebody's world shown by the tattoo on her ring finger.)

Second, the tiara should have a liquid reservoir to pump tears out at any necessary moment.

And finally, it should have a pinch mechanism to pull one eye up in a coy sideways glance.

(Care should be taken with the placement of the eye-pull mechanism, or you'll give the wearer a reason to claim that she can't control her eyebrows.)

Unlike the sports awards, we can't wait to give the Tierra Tiara until the end of the season because the winning moment usually comes at the midpoint. No, the Tierra Tiara is more like a prize at a flower show, in which you wait until a bloom has reached its peak of blossom before submitting the entry. For this season of The Bachelor, the time is now. And the winner is...

Clare. In a runaway.

There are certain markers in a Tierra Tiara award recipient, and these are the same markers you find in the people who wreak social havoc in your own world.  If Bachelors were wise to the markers they'd avoid a lot of emotional torment and we'd miss a lot of classic programming. (This award could very easily also be called the Michelle Money Memorial or the Courtney Cup or the Vienna Vase.) So we'll keep them to ourselves, ladies, right? You, me, and the producers are the only ones who need to know:

1. Trouble making women friends. Yeah, there's always that woman in the house that nobody else likes. This is NOT because the other women are all mean/snobby/catty or whatever she claims. No, it's because the female sense about these crazies is magnified by the company of other women. The award nominee might manipulate one person away from another in normal life, but throw her into a pool of strangers at once and she's done for. The moment when Juan Pablo told the girls on the group date to pair up and Clare couldn't manage that? Yeah. Red flag, buddy.

2. Romances marked by intense instantaneous bonding. Award recipients usually haven't been single for very long when they come on the show. Whether they've gone through one boyfriend after another or just recently ended a tortured relationship, they know how to hook a man in a flash but not how to keep him in the boat, so to speak. (Though Clare did a fine job of GETTING him in the boat and then making sure he enjoyed his stay.) But ugh--the hair touches, the head tilts, the lip purses, the little sideways looks...sickening to women. Crack cocaine to men out lookin' fer love.

3. Narcissism. This one is tougher to diagnose, given the competition. However, it usually shows up in a heightened sense of entitlement, of thinking everything about the show exists to support her. The one who sneaks off to the Bachelor's room for some time nobody else gets? Or causes scenes that require the Bachelor to take time away from everybody else to tend to her? Yup. There's your girl. Tierra to a T.

4. Altered reality. There was a beautiful moment this week where JP tried to gently tell Clare that the private get-together, where she'd snuck off to his room to invite him out for a midnight swim, was no good. "I was just trying to do what I would if there was nobody else here and no cameras," she explained. He gently pointed out that they were not in that situation. Her response was complete shock and puzzlement. The real world had priority over the one she'd constructed to justify her actions? Not possible!

Now, with the award requirements in mind, let's review this week's show and see whether you agree with my nomination.

The group traveled to Vietnam by cartoon insta-plane and gave us a good Lesson for Ladies: Be judicious in sharing your scarf-tying tips:

Thought you were mortified by the girl who showed up at prom wearing your same dress? How about the FIVE who showed up on television wearing your same prominent accessory, styled the same way?

Giving them time to change, the first solo date was with Renee. What man doesn't want to date Jennifer Anniston? This is as close as you're gonna get, JP, and this one is actually your age. These no-adventure dates (shopping, taking in the culture) are great for travel shows but tend to be kinda boring. It's a shame, because I REALLY like Renee. Him saying that he kinda sees himself when he looks at her could be bad, but if he loves himself enough, could be good. Fingers crossed that the girl whose "palms hurt" (how adorable is that?) is there at the end.

The group date was the Cultural Experience tour. Clare, as mentioned earlier, failed to come up with a friend to paddle her wee Vietnamese boat with, and wound up with JP as her partner, backed into the weeds, making out, while the other girls had super-fun dates with each other. Chelsie exposed herself as a complete sucker by thinking that JP had actually scored lunch for all them at a Vietnamese home by asking a random stranger whether they could eat somewhere nearby. Not to be outdone in the d'oh department, however, was Cassandra. On discovering this close-knit community where the people worked the fields together and shared everything they owned, she revealed herself as a communist: "We should do this in America!" Clare, obviously, drew attention to herself by not touching the strange food and sustained herself by sucking on a few green beans. But she refused to be ridiculed, and confessed to the camera that she was "not going to change who I am for them!" Gonna keep her sparkle, that one.

For the Fancy Dress portion of the date, JP and Clare slipped away first, where they wound up in swimsuits in the "hot" tub together and she complained about being cold ("I need you! Take care of me!"). How long are these evenings, anyway? There were nine girls involved, and spending that much time with one wasn't unusual? I would have LOVED seeing the girls do as Kelly suggested, just marching over to the pool and handing Clare the rose. Oh, the curse of the funny girl. If Kelly had known she was on the way out, would she have been more willing to go with a splash?

We did get a clue about group date duration, and why the girls talked about being tired, when Clare showed up at JP's door at 4:00 a.m., presumably not long after the date's end, to request a private audience. She's never swum in the ocean! Stuck her toe in, she admitted, but never more than that. Oh, brother. So off they went, got a little more than wild in the waves, and JP was left at the edge of a regret whirlpool. I was a little surprised, given Juan Pablo's history of not allowing passion to drive the important things out of his mind:

Yup, that's our man, last season, one hand still in the popcorn while getting to know Des a little better.

The final solo date went to Nikki, much to Andi's disappointment (though previews for next week suggest she's going to end up just fine about it). Where he and Renee went ordinary, he and Nikki went extreme, rappelling down a chute into a cavern referred to and decorated as "Hell." Nikki was afraid to dance last week, and was now afraid to descend. Unfortunately, though probably not unassisted, she got stuck stating the Metaphor from Hell as she resisted stepping out over the darkness: "This is a lot like falling in love, trusting the other person, and also having very little control." What she failed to do, however, was see the metaphor all the way through to its end: "Slowly descending beyond all hope of rescue, becoming acclimated to more and more discomfort, and eventually ending up in hell, with your entire self and soul consumed."

She made up for it, though, by giving me what might be my favorite takeaway from this otherwise inarguably worthless show. In explaining why she's a pediatric nurse, she said "There's hope that comes with sick kids." No matter what else she does or where she ends up, that one insight has earned her my admiration. But then she put things back in their proper place by describing the way she feels around JP as being as if she's stuck her finger in a light socket. Clearly she's never stuck her finger in a light socket. I hope she doesn't end up caring for a kid who has, or she might not hit the right note of empathy. ("Oh, you must feel WONDERFUL!")

Finally, the cocktail party delivered the promised drama by giving us JP expressing his regret about their rendezvous to Clare, who had just slyly toasted "Finding love, falling in love, and making love" in front of the whole group. Oops! Here's where the Tierra Tiara is won.

• Trouble making women friends? Check. Everybody comments on her crying without doing anything to comfort her.
• Intense romantic bonding? Check. Let's remember this is still the same woman who got mauled by him immediately after saying she'd thrown up in her mouth.
• Narcissism? Check. That "making love" part of the toast was downright creepy.
• Altered reality? This is the moment where she gives us that utter, shattered-world bewilderment at being told that they're not, actually, alone together on this little adventure.

We have our winner! With her rose already in hand (granted BEFORE the wild-waves adventure), three others took the fall tonight. I will miss Kelly's wisecracks, but the funny girl never makes it to the end. Her dog and her job (one and the same, one must conclude) will be glad to have her back. Danielle, of the No Camera Time and Nothing to Say, stated the obvious when she said she could tell there wasn't a connection there. Alli, however, threw me, perhaps because I didn't know she and Andi were different people:

(Sorry, Andi, for the awkward moment I caught.) Yeah, the two of them showed up next to each other in the rose lineup and I thought, "That's Andi on the right and...Li'l Andi?" I like Andi, and hope JP likes her, too, so I'll hope her chances go up with the elimination of any identity confusion.

Previews for next week promise Clare parading her Tierra Tiara in all its glory. Juan Pablo and the human carnage all around may suffer, but I, for one, can't wait.