Juan Pablo #11: Red Flag Roundup

Home, I've heard, is the place where if you show up, they have to let you in. I have a sneaking suspicion that when Juan Pablo shows up at home, you close the door, turn around and mouth "What do I DO?!?" to the people behind, they all shake their heads, and then you open the door with a big fake smile.

• RED FLAG: When your family warns a girl on the meet-the-parents date about your flaws, those are some serious flaws.

I'm going to call out all the red flags through this week's episode of The Bachelor because all indications are that the girls aren't picking them up themselves. Shall we help them?

• RED FLAG: When people who have none of the distractions of "feelings" all see Your Devoted the same way, and you're the only one who doesn't, that's a red flag. And when those "people" are "the entire American public" including "the dude's family," yeah, that's trouble.

Witness, at the opening of the show, Chris asking the live audience seated in the Bachelor Beatdown Bowl whether Juan Pablo is here to find love and whether they think he'll marry one of these girls. A still shot, of course, doesn't catch it, but the sentient creature on the back row, marked with the arrow, started shaking her head before he was done speaking.

As Chris told us later in the show, these people "represent America." I'll say that one was my personal delegate.

Tonight Juan Pablo introduced his final two candidates for what, I don't know, to his family, spent a little more time telling them each how cute and pretty they were, and then was tasked with picking one. Just one. Just pick one, for heaven's sake. We don't care which. He wrestled with this choice, on television, trying to comfort the lucky rejectee at the end by telling her how late he made his decision. Footage which the Chosen One is sure to see. 

• RED FLAG: If Your Devoted has a really terrible time deciding whether he wants you or somebody else, you're probably not going to get all you hoped and dreamed out of that relationship. And if he thinks this is perfectly fine thing for people to know, that counts as double flags spelling "RUN" in semaphore.

Clare got the lucky first chance to meet the family and picked up all their red flags, sewed them together, and made her own. Let's replay this super-crimson conversation, giving everyone good reason to stay well away from both Juan Pablo and Clare:

JP's mom: He can be very rude.
Clare (nodding): He made me cry.
Mom: Me too.
Clare: But I understand he's being honest.
Mom: Yeah, and that can be really rude.

Clare's response? To declare herself "happy and comforted" to learn she WASN'T THE ONLY ONE. Oh, she said. So he's self-centered and insensitive with everyone? What a relief! Those loud voices in my head weren't telling me something untrue! They're RIGHT ON! So LET'S GO!!!

• RED FLAG: When people are looking at you like that, try to restate your reasoning in other words and see if it still makes sense.

Conversation with Mom safely dispensed with, Clare moved on to the brother, who asked what she would do "when he walks away."

• RED FLAG: Oh, good grief. Do I even need to say it?

Clare, clearly suffering from red-tone color-blindness, misses it completely and blithely declares that she'll just gut it out and hang in there harder. She's not going anywhere, baby, no matter how crazy things get.

Nikki attended the next day's Red Flag Fiesta, and Dad laid the whole stack of them out on the table right at the beginning. (After JP dazzled Nikki with his parenting skills by telling Camilla that she was "so pretty.") "Juan Pablo is not an easy guy," he says. The details? He always thinks he knows the truth. Everything is all about what he wants. He's stubborn. "Yup!" Nikki chirpped with a cheery nod. He told me he was stubborn at the beginning! I'm right on track!

• RED FLAG: When your inner voice is telling you bad things about a person that end up being true, get the toxic person out of your life BEFORE you get all busy congratulating the inner voice. 

Mom carried on the family color theme in her conversation with Nikki. Their conversation went thusly:

Mom: Juan Pablo will watch TV on the weekends, by himself, with Camilla, with the family. Is this the kind of guy you want?
Nikki: Oh, yes.
Mom: Are you sure?
Nikki (nodding)
Mom: Do you love him?
Nikki: I do.
Mom (this face):

 Then some silence. Then this face:

Nikki: Do you think he's ready?
Mom: I'm pretty sure.

•  RED FLAG: Oh, for heaven's sake. LOOK when you're talking to somebody.

In case the audience is as dense as Nikki was, Mom went on to say in the confessional, "He's not easy, but Nikki is strong, and she's in love, which is important, so I think if he proposes..." Yes? What's the insight? If he proposes they'll make this work? They'll be able to weather the difficulties? They'll have what they need to build a family? Nope. "I think if he proposes she'll accept."

Ouch.

Oh, and in case that wasn't enough, we have Brother Dearest, who is still waving his same flag madly, hoping somebody will notice:

Brother: How much fighting can you take? There's a lot of that in relationships. When things get rough, he walks. Can you deal with that?
Nikki: If there's no fighting, there's no passion.

• RED FLAG: Oooh, TV has a lot to answer for. To those misled by the movies, let's clarify: Disagreeing is healthy; fighting is not. Anger is not a trademark of healthy relationships. Yelling, punishing silences, walking away. These are symptoms of poor coping skills and/or bad family habits, not passion. Being "passionate" does not give you a pass on hurting or frightening the people you love. Disagree? Go check with your neighborhood therapist. Nuff said.

Nikki came away from her day with Juan Pablo's family (surprise!) strengthened in her confidence and commitment. You go, girl! Down with the ship!

And Juan Pablo--bless his avaricious, licentious heart--wrapped it all up with a bow, asking the universe "Can I just keep them both?"

• RED FLAG: Haven't we done this one already? And hasn't it been waving through the whole season while he iy-yiy-yiys to all the women about how hot they are, as a group, and announces in front of the keepers how hard it was to decide on them? If you want just one man, make sure he wants just you. Sheesh.

Finally, they each had solitary dates, and Clare's was defined by JP taking a precious moment to whisper something vulgar and insulting in his Beloved's (she thought) ear.

• RED FLAG: If he's not treating you like you're beloved, you're not.

But Clare was somehow talked out of her concern when they got together at the end of the evening. I'm not clear how. I really wasn't able to follow the thread of their conversation and find anything remotely comforting in it. But she spoon fed him the reassurances she wanted ("See, that's what I need to hear"), which he dutifully caught onto and repeated, and...done deal. A few besitos and all was well.

• RED FLAG: Perhaps a good exercise at this point in the relationship would be to look back and say, "If this whole thing goes down in flames, what will I look back on and tell myself I shouldn't have whitewashed over?" Yeah, that stuff. And right about now would've been a good time.

And Clare had plenty of time for that exercise because he had a date with the Other Woman the next day. Nikki, for her part, was desperate to hear him tell her he loved her, which struck me odd. You do know how this show works, right? He can't say it. It's in The Rules. But beyond that, he doesn't want to. Remember? He still wants both of them. Perhaps these simultaneous pictures tell the whole story of the relationship (as it appears from the After show to still be):

Figure 1: Nikki, all in.

Figure 2: Juan Pablo, sauntering along with one hand in his pocket.
Probably whistling.

And at last, the moment we've all been waiting for: THE END. It began with Juan Pablo, AquaMan, emerging from the sea:

Not quite sure why he had to take that route to the inland proposal site, but there he is. That was followed by Clare, walking the Path of Doom to her rejection, and then the moment that got the biggest cheer of the night:

No. We are not going to hug it out. And this:

No, you are not the kind of man I would want to be the father of my children. Another cheer. He might've rejected her, but she DUMPED him, baby. Her speech was terrific, and I have a sneaking suspicion she might've rehearsed it some during her day on ice. You know, just in case. Either way, it was perfect. Not that he got it--his comment about "Glad I didn't pick that one" as she walked away got the biggest gasp of the night. But as his dad already said, he thinks he's always right, right?

I want to elevate my opinion of Clare. Yes, she's got those Tierra habits, but she's fixable. Get her some counseling. Teach her how to take herself seriously and demand what she wants rather than plead and wheedle and flirt for it and she'll end up with a good life. Taking ownership of that breakup, then standing firm by her awareness that she was satisfied with how she handled herself is a solid beginning. I'm proud of her. Go far, doll. You've got the stuff you need.

Nikki, then, got...nothing? The understanding that he wasn't ready to dump her yet? Clearly, she wasn't happy with that, but she wasn't going to throw it back, either. Juan Pablo was going to permit her to hang around, and she was satisfied with that. So they've been, talking, I guess, over the last four months. Nikki had ownership body language all over the snuggling they were doing on the after-couch, but I didn't see the relaxation, the peaceful joy you see in a solid relationship.

• RED FLAG: If you're unequal in your feelings for each other, the clock is ticking. Don't quit your job and move out of your apartment just yet.

• RED FLAG: Oh, and another thing. "Honest" is not an excuse for being "a jerk."

Juan Pablo, for his part, continued to believe he was on some seriously high ground in his handling of the relationship and management of the public face he put on things. I got annoyed with Chris Harrison pushing so hard to get JP to say "love" (Chris, he's not saying he loves her because he DOESN'T LOVE HER), but did cheer for him after JP expressed frustration with the lack of privacy in the relationship and he said "You do know you're on television, right?" Ditto to Catherine, who said "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." I'll look forward to all of you telling me when you see the first "They've broken up" headlines in the tabloids over there. I have to confess that I'm not going to follow either of them on Instagram for updates. I'm with Chris in his closing comment as well: "Well, let's shower that one off. Another season of The Bachelor has come to an end. Not gonna lie. I'm okay moving on."

I found myself whistling an Ingrid Michaelson tune through the afternoon:

Oh, what a day is today.
Nothing can stand in my way.
Now that you've shipped out from under my skin
I think I'm ready to win.

Oh, what a night is tonight.
I think I'm ready to fight.
Now that my broken bones all have been healed
I think I'm starting to feel

Something good, something good
Now that you're gone, well I can roll on to
Something good.

I'll call it the Clare Victory Anthem. Or the We're All Free of Juan Pablo Anthem. And what's the Something Good that's coming? That's right, baby. Bachelorette Andi. Just when I was ready to call the whole thing off, here she comes. A Bachelorette to get behind. Well, then. Turns out my summer is spoken for.

P.S. Okay, just a few production notes. #1: Who is this woman? On the left. I saw her (and screen captured her) in the Women Tell All episode and decided not to make a catty comment about the collagen. And now she's back. This audience makeup puzzles and disturbs me. Every time.

Then there's this woman, who is unclear on when it's the right time to put a garter on your head:

And in the Bachelor All-Star gallery I caught who the men in the back were just at the end:

Eek! Arie is getting his Andi hug, and then there's that intense lawyer guy whose heart Des broke, then Brooks, who broke HER heart, then Des and the guy she DID end up with. Yeah. Bachelor participants have to be ready to handle a lot of weird stuff. Good luck with that, Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo #10: The Women Tell More Than Usual

If the Make-A-Wish foundation ever decides to reach out to middle-aged adults in reasonably good health who just some have some cool things they'd like to do and can't arrange for themselves, pick me! My wish is television related, obviously. It actually comes in two parts that are arguably unrelated, but they're both REALLY easy to set up and don't require anybody to make any special accommodations. I mean, seriously--if a whole city can shut down to give a kid a Batman fantasy, surely I can just hang on the fringes of stuff that's already happening, right? So here's what I want:

1. A chance to sit in the writer's room of a really smart-funny show and watch the whole thing get thought of and put together. The Daily Show, New Girl, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family. Time travel, if available, would be even better, because then I could get Arrested Development and 30 Rock, and maybe even select favorite episodes WITHIN the series. Not that I'm choosy. But...no Two Broke Girls or Two and a Half Men, okay?
2. A chance to hang out and observe production for a reality series and learn how it REALLY comes together. Survivor, Amazing Race, Project Runway. How much time do people really have to do things? How much setup is involved? Who thinks things up and makes arrangements for them? When do those confessionals happen? What's going on off-camera and how are editing decisions made? 

Given the competition, The Bachelor would be at the bottom of my list, but oh, I'd take it. I do want to know how the women spend their time in the house, how long some of those dates really go, what's going on among the uninvolved women during cocktail parties and group dates... Oh, and the screening process! I think it's the same impulse that makes me want to be a fly on the wall figuring out the behind-the-scenes interactions in some family that acts really weird in a restaurant.

The women-tell-all episode gets us as close to that action as we're gonna get. (And we're know they're going to "tell all" because of the conversational body language expressed by sitting with their hands clasped over their knees.) What we saw this time, for the first time, is that the women had a LOT to say that never showed up in the confessionals. But my unanswered question is this: Did the complainers feels as badly used by Juan Pablo while they were there as they did AFTER they were dumped, and then saw Andi lay it all out on TV? Was that the moment when a whole squad of ex-girlfriends ran into each other at a bar and started to say "Yeah! He was like that around me, too!"

Quite a few bitter babies, there, eh? We heard lots of complaints about Juan Pablo being exactly as Andi described--awfully into himself, uninterested in learning anything about these women. But then we had Renee and Sharleen who had different experiences. Sharleen in particular said he had lots of questions about her life and what it was like and what she cared about. An emerging but rather obvious theory: Perhaps Juan Pablo was more interested in the women he was, well, more interested in. He was crazy about Sharleen, and therefore wanted to know everything about her. With the others, uh, sorry to say it, but if he's more interested in himself than he is in you, well, he's just not that into you.

THAT SAID, people who have a hard time finding people more interesting than themselves usually end up pretty lonely. People who are less pretty usually figure it out quicker, but pretty gets you enough attention that a hollow core goes unnoticed for a long time. Thus:

Super-appealing, right? Those chocolate bunny people know what they're doing. Lots of people are going to pick up something that looks like it's sweet and satisfying, but when things start getting serious, look what happens:

Granted, some are less hollow than others:

Either way, in the end you're left with nothing but air.

Ah, but the perfect combination is a PAIR of hollow bunnies

Yes, these two are both so into themselves that the pretty one beside you just magnifies and confirms your own prettiness, and all the self-talk is just an expression of how AMAZING the relationship is because you're so OPEN with each other, and you can go a really long time before either one busts into the hollow interior of the other.

By that measure, we're down to the right final two.

I wonder whether Bachelor producers might steer away from smart women for a while, given the self-elimination that two of them took this time. As we, laughing on the outside, can tell anyone on the inside, the premise of this show is RIDICULOUS, and anybody who expects to find True Love here is not on solid mental footing. Your best candidates have more of the attitude of a Lucy ("free spirit") who wanted Juan Pablo to understand that "this is a relationship, not a game." Her free spirit is so free of touch with reality that she's lost track of who she signed her contract with. ABC. That's an entertainment company. But she also seemed to think she had a relationship with Chris Harrison:

And her housemates:

And oh, golly, just everybody.

Maybe her threshold for "relationship" is just kind of low.

Not that awareness of the ridiculousness kept Chris from setting Andi up for her "journey" as the next Bachelorette! "So do you believe in true love?" "Do you think there's someone out there for you?" "Do you think you can fall in love?" WE GET IT. I had my worries as he referred to Renee as "fan favorite." That's usually the way we get told who we want as the next contestant. But no--Renee is in a "situation" that she's very happy with. Phew. And at last we have a bachelorette with some brains and sass and edge. Just when I told myself I was checking out after this season. Okay. One more. But bachelorettes only. No more skeezy bachelors.

Because that's pretty much how it works out, right? Bachelorettes go through the process a bit more thoughtfully than bachelors have. The dudes get caught up in the crowd of hot women, get dizzy, and pick the wrong one. Juan Pablo lost sight of what he was after--if he ever really was--the first night. I think Andi nailed it when she said Juan Pablo probably thought he'd been a great bachelor. Excuse me--The Bachelor. The proper name makes a difference. All his onscreen behavior suggests he took the role upon himself as a role. Girls he wasn't interested in (in the long term) he flirted with and made out with and made eye rolls over because he perceived it was his job. I mean--he got first class tickets while the girls went coach, right? So yet another Bachelor season is headed for a breakup, whether it happens on the show or after.

Yes, previews were meant to suggest that Juan Pablo takes up his spot at the Proposal Station and then breaks and runs, leaving two girls in tears. I tried to read the tea leaves, and I'm fairly confident it's a fakeout. The girls are crying in their underoos, yet we also see them dressed up and ready to head to the proposal. If they got told afterward that he's gone, they'd have been wearing their dresses while crying, right? No, I think they're just being emotional at some prior point. My prediction is that he'll pick one interchangeable fake blonde self-absorbed reality-bender or the other, with the breakup in the tabloids by mid-April. (I'm at a distinct forecasting disadvantage living in a place without a checkout-stand newsstand where I can see which way the tabloid winds are blowing. Call me a sucker and laugh it off if you already know differently.)

So I'll end with my favorite blooper shot of the night. No, not the water-car going literally dead in the water (too easy):

Nor Juan Pablo getting up from telling the camera he was ready for the next rose ceremony and walking away without pants:

Nope, my favorite was this one, in which one of the rose bushes in front of the elaborately and meticulously landscaped Bachelor Mansion tipped over, revealing its plastic bottom:

There, ladies and gentlemen, is your says-everything shot for the whole show. NOTHING IS REAL. Which should do all of our hearts good. Those women's bodies? Nah, don't even think about having a goal like that. The dates? Come on, who does those things? The relationships themselves? Pff, hardly. And your front yard? No amount of Miracle Gro can ever do that. Take comfort. Be happy. And pop some popcorn for next week.