BatchBen #9: Yodel this

Ben's biggest fear? That he'll get it wrong. Oh, honey. You already have. But that's the easy joke. Actually, doesn't everyone want a good match? And if the definition of a good match is someone who's like you, well, Ben, meet Courtney. (And that "unexplainable chemistry" you're describing, yeah, that's a naked girl throwing herself at you.) Actually, Jill's wish is for the final two to be Nicki and Courtney, and he picks Nicki (for maximum Courtney humiliation) and then Nicki dumps him. I must say, there would be a certain sweet justice there.

Nicki's date: These Bachelor producers have the best job in the world. Who got to scout the helicopter ride and the picnic location in the Swiss Alps? (And with that pinnacle overlook, how did the helicopter land on a spot that was hardly big enough for the two of them to stand on?) I like Nicki. She was one of my initial top three for being classy right out of the limo, which automatically makes her a YCDB. And automatically makes me wish that she'll say no to an overnight with a guy who's going to ask another girl the same thing tomorrow night. But girls everywhere need to learn the lesson of The Bachelor: If you don't want to lose your guy, give him anything he wants.

Linzi's date: Remember, dirt is her makeup! What could be a more perfect date than extreme outdoor sports? Wait--or...is she hiding a wee little princess inside? No, no room for a princess. Too many relationship cliches bottled up in there! "You need to overcome your fear of getting hurt," "Stepping off a ledge is a lot like stepping into a relationship," "You have to be there for each other, just like stepping off a cliff." And best I could tell, they were being lowered. No rappelling. Just sitting there. And...fail #2 at the overnight invite. And...can we stop saying "vulnerable"? When she's lying back on the pillows with her dress up to her waist, hearing the dude involved describe her as "the most vulnerable I've ever seen her" is downright disturbing.

Courtney's date: Again, who got to scout the villages and picnic sites for this date? HOW DO I GET THAT JOB? On the picnic, though, I'm not understanding where Ben came up with this sudden concern about Courtney and the girls. What's happened between him giving her the last rose and then meeting her for this date? He found his better nature? Wait--no. Of course not. All he wanted to hear to explain away displays of poor character was "I'm sorry." Well, you got it. And a little something on the side. I wonder how he'll feel about that when she does something cruel and selfish and tells him, "Well, I SAID I'm sorry!"

The Emily interlude: I'm guessing they picked these three "girlfriends" before Allie broke up with Roberto. Mighty small pool of Bachelor success story girls to put together. And my feeling about that season remains...poor li'l Rickie.

The Kacie interlude: Ding-ding-ding! His answer to why he let her go: We come from "different worlds." Code for: "standards that make me uncomfortable." And he doesn't get what she's saying about Courtney. Of course.

The rose ceremony: Nice show of having wrestled with the decision. Did anyone ever really believe it? Sorry, Nicki. He didn't get what you said about Courtney, either. Or what five or six other people said about her. Or what she said about herself. Sure, life is like a box of chocolates, but when enough people are telling you the same thing about what's inside the pretty dark one with the extra-shiny icing...believe them.

BatchBen #8: Hometown dates

I heard ahead of time how this one turned out, and I'm so disgusted with Ben I'm mailing it in from here. I hope he ends up with Courtney. They deserve each other. I think this season of the Bachelor is a case study in how television can turn a good guy into a tool.

First, a couple of observations: a) Why all the fuss when the girl comes into the family home? She's been there for DAYS. b) Is all that food people aren't eating during the dinners nobody wants that drag on for hours in front of the camera going to feed hungry children somewhere?

Anyway, first up, Lindzi: I like a girl who names her horse Devin. Maurice and Clint would've also been acceptable. Lindzi, you can do better. Much. I must say, though, this date is making me think better of Florida. Nice spot.

Next, Kacie: Why are they still calling her Kacie B.? I think we're pretty clear on which Kacie we're dealing with. I love that swing coat of hers. Of course, I love her, so...that helps the coat. Her folks sure came across as a stiff pair at first. How did Suzie Sparkles come out of those two? But then I heard them being actually rational and serious about this whole thing...a voice of sanity! Girl, they may have just saved you! Go home to your good family and be grateful. Also be grateful they've already cast the next Bachelorette and you don't have to go down the same toilet Ben just did.

Now, Nicki: Ben's hair under a cowboy hat is ridiculous. It definitely says "I'm a Sonoma toff in a costume!" After that, I confess I kinda checked out of the rest of this date. Whatever.

And the one they saved for last, Courtney, who says she "isn't proud" of everything she's done to get here. That the reason for her previous man problems isn't obvious to her is a sign of serious mental and social retardation. Wise mother (who also does affected things with her lips when she talks) doesn't think Courtney could actually be in love [translation: because she knows her]. Courtney is preening and touching her hair less here. Interpretations, please? Is that a competitive gesture she doesn't need when there aren't other girls around? Ironic that she admires that he has "no hidden agenda." I guess we're supposed to attach ourselves to people who make us better, so, good luck with that, girl.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Ben, you're an idiot. Kacie would've made you a better man. So choose Courtney. Be miserable. Break up on the front pages of Us Weekly. Be a laughingstock. Go on, now. (And Kacie, you're the classiest thing we've seen on this show.)

BatchBen #7: Group date--start with a good shave

Alert! Date metaphor! You have to "dive in" and "conquer your fears." Good grief. If you were with a girls' getaway group and you decided to "conquer your fears" for once in your almighty life, would you feel like you'd learned profound things about your relationships with them just because they were on the same boat with you?

How long is Ben going to call Kacie "Kacie B"?

FINALLY we find women who have figured out that they have power in numbers and that if there's a Bad Girl in the batch they need to say something TOGETHER.

And straight to the elimination round. How much did Courtney drink before the cocktail party started? That pina colada she was schmoozing over wasn't her first, I do believe. More important, how much has Ben been drinking all along? WHAT RESPECTABLE MAN WANTS SOMEBODY WHO BABYTALKS AND PREENS EVERY SECOND? Thus we see. Not a respectable man.

BatchBen #7: Courtney's date

I need, I need, I need...quite a list she's generating there before the date. If Ben knew that he might not be saying "I could spend the rest of my life with her." No you couldn't. You could sure pick her at the end, but there's no way on earth anyone could spend a lifetime with her.

Courtney's wondering about whether she can introduce him to her folks, which makes me suddenly wonder...she has folks? I guess I just assumed she was spawned. She doesn't want to dump a bunch of stuff on him, but "I need to."

Wait! Date metaphor! Every step on the pyramid is like a step in the relationship. Awesome. Especially when you take it all the way and appreciate that going back down is a nightmare.

Does anyone over the age of 14 handle her own hair as much as Courtney does?

Hah! Did you notice her saying "I have a lot of guy friends"? Dude, that's a red flag:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/282330/saturday-night-live-red-flag

Batch Ben #7: Emily's date

Forget Ben & Emily. I just want their day on Caye Caulker, strolling around town barefoot on the sugar sand, jumping in the water and diving for lobster. Especially as I sit here with a blanket on my lap in mid-February.

Emily loves that he's "so spontaneous." Funny quality to pick out, when absolutely everything is arranged for on this show. Who can know how spontaneous he'd be when it's up to him alone to arrange and pay for everything?

BatchBen #7: First up--Lindzi's deyt

Yn onnyr uv Lindzi's deyt Aym goyne tu myspehl evrethyng. Wyth lahts uv thuh Ys shi neyds.

Exhausting. Anyway, decent digs in Belize. I think the Bachelor producers need to apply their talents to a travel show.

Estimates, please, on the degree of Lindzi's wedgie from the helicopter jump. And if we're going to use the date activity as a metaphor (if? if?), then do leaps of faith give you wedgies, too? If so, where? She's actually growing on me to the I-think-she-could-do-better degree. And I think Ben likes her easy, can-do, happy attitude, which earns him a smidge of credit.

BatchBen #6: Exploitively manipulated?

Did Kacie S. have any idea what happened by the time Chris shut the limo door on her? It seems like she got talked into realizing she was still in love with her ex, then talked into the idea that she really wants to be with him, then talked into thinking her feelings were getting in the way of the current relationship, then...blah blah, and you belong at home. No cocktail party for you.

Whoa! Talk about your mood swings! Last we saw Courtney, she was in a deep depression over Ben not coming to her room; now she feels "pretty awesome" about tonight.

Are we all REALLY uncomfortable during the Jamie kissing scene? Could this possibly be going any worse? She showed better instincts about her prospects: "I think he's done with me." The saddest part? "I've never known anyone like Ben before." Oh, come on. I think tonight he's amply proved that he's just your average lowdown dirty dog.

BatchBen #6: Exceptionally tense double date!

So it turns out that salsa dresses are really just kinda bulky on the bottom.

What else is there to say? This was only ever going to be really uncomfortable and tacky. And Blakely's stalker scrapbook isn't helping. Though it looks like the little kitty in the street was super-sad to see her go.

BatchBen #6: Explorationally annoying--the group date

Can't blame Ben for that. I'm the one who made that one up.

Is everyone done thinking well of Ben? I think he's keeping Courtney around just for the ogling. Nothing serious in his head there AT ALL. But as long as she keeps taking her clothes off, she stays. I'm sure his future final choice won't mind that at all. For her part, Courtney continues to prove my assessment from last week: she's too in love with herself for anybody else to ever reach that level of devotion. Thank you, Bachelor producers, for scoring in evil music whenever Courtney walks through the shot. Shame on you, Ben, for not getting up and walking away when Courtney put on her bikini pose show right behind a conversation with another woman. Perhaps the best way for anyone to get to know a man is to throw him into a houseful of women and see what happens.

Courtney, do you SERIOUSLY not know why men are so into you at the beginning and then seem to fade away? Tip: DON'T GIVE IT AWAY. And you'd seem a lot savvier about men if you didn't scorn women who actually understand that.

BatchBen #6: "Expotentially more important"

That's from Ben, upon his arrival in Panama. I think it's a cross between "exponential," as in "really a lot," and "potential," as in "who's gonna gimme some"? Kacie B., apparently, is one he believes has "potential."

To the deserted island! But...do these people not understand the word "alone"? If you're with a camera and sound crew on an otherwise deserted island, how are you "alone"? And I didn't realize that there are so many important relationship symbols could be found in playing around with coconuts and fishnets.