...or, as they have clearly warned us, "Someone's heart will be broken." But how could we be headed anywhere else when she lets us know that each of these guys is what she "looks for physically in a man"? And the one who doesn't get that credit? Ames from the "most unique guy" category. Is there anyone who doesn't think he's done tonight?
But there's only one way to find out! [Back] to the nuts!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Episode 7 #6: Brad/Emily post-mortem
...or, ABC's Shameless Self-Promotional Examination of Its Show's Failures. From Chris, the truth: "It is with a degree of regret that we bring you the following." A small degree. Then there's a whole lot of degrees of glee with which they bring us this ratings-booster.
How on earth did Emily end up on the Bachelor? What is the process by which an apparently modest, serious, composed, responsible woman decides to put herself on this show? I mean, she filled out an application, prepared an audition video... She WANTED to do this. She thought it through and decided it was a good idea. Who was she listening to? I want to be totally heartless toward people who as full-on grownups decide to do this, but I just can't do it here.
So I'm glad the show ended with a dog lifting its leg on the Love Balloon. Says everything for me, in a funnier way than I could by myself right now. Here's to better things on the hometown dates!
How on earth did Emily end up on the Bachelor? What is the process by which an apparently modest, serious, composed, responsible woman decides to put herself on this show? I mean, she filled out an application, prepared an audition video... She WANTED to do this. She thought it through and decided it was a good idea. Who was she listening to? I want to be totally heartless toward people who as full-on grownups decide to do this, but I just can't do it here.
So I'm glad the show ended with a dog lifting its leg on the Love Balloon. Says everything for me, in a funnier way than I could by myself right now. Here's to better things on the hometown dates!
Episode 7 #5: The cocktail non-party
Yeah, killing the cocktail party also cut this episode short. Bam. You're done, Lucas. See ya.
Oh, Ashley: "Maybe I'm not cut out for this." Does it not OCCUR to you that NOBODY is cut out for this? It's the most unnatural, Machiavellian, impossible way ANYBODY could imagine to start a solid relationship. Just thought I'd let you know. For all the good it does.
But enough of you! On to the most recent failure of this show to help anyone find a lasting relationship!
Oh, Ashley: "Maybe I'm not cut out for this." Does it not OCCUR to you that NOBODY is cut out for this? It's the most unnatural, Machiavellian, impossible way ANYBODY could imagine to start a solid relationship. Just thought I'd let you know. For all the good it does.
But enough of you! On to the most recent failure of this show to help anyone find a lasting relationship!
Episode 7 #4: Ryan's date
For such a high-energy, talk-and-go-all-the-time guy as Ryan is, I'm bored out of my mind for most of this date. Maybe this is how they chose this episode to fill with the Emily/Brad business: there was just not enough going on with this date to build a show on. "All these people--it's just, it's just..." "Hey look at that bird! So cool!" And the capper: "Have I told you about water heaters?"
Oof! That look on his face when she tells him she's not feeling it! It's like watching somebody kick a puppy. And hearing it give a little yelp and limp away. And watching it curl up and keep crying. And then squeeze out a tear. And the cameras WON'T GO AWAY. Here's the deal, you super-good guy: You won't be able to keep the girls away when you get back home. There's a wonderful girl in your future who won't kick you in front of cameras.
Oof! That look on his face when she tells him she's not feeling it! It's like watching somebody kick a puppy. And hearing it give a little yelp and limp away. And watching it curl up and keep crying. And then squeeze out a tear. And the cameras WON'T GO AWAY. Here's the deal, you super-good guy: You won't be able to keep the girls away when you get back home. There's a wonderful girl in your future who won't kick you in front of cameras.
Episode 7 #3: The group date
Poor JP and his feelings. Poorer Lucas in his gold dress. Semi-poor Ames in the prom tux. I hope JP in the Rico Sauve tux feels better now. But no, bless him, he's in danger of tipping into Chantal's territory. That sweet spot between "I feel amazing things for you" and "I feel totally cool about you dating a bunch of other guys" is about the size of a tic-tac.
Once again, Ashley's "fun" meter is not set correctly. "I thought this date was going to be fun," she says in a slightly hurt, bewildered tone after the wedding pictures are finished. Problem 1: What guy, under the best of circumstances, thinks taking pictures is the best part of the wedding day? Problem 2: No matter how much he hates it, what guy wants to hand the bride off to another guy instead?
Oh, way to fix it. JP brought it home in telling Ashley about how he's feeling. Well done.
Once again, Ashley's "fun" meter is not set correctly. "I thought this date was going to be fun," she says in a slightly hurt, bewildered tone after the wedding pictures are finished. Problem 1: What guy, under the best of circumstances, thinks taking pictures is the best part of the wedding day? Problem 2: No matter how much he hates it, what guy wants to hand the bride off to another guy instead?
Oh, way to fix it. JP brought it home in telling Ashley about how he's feeling. Well done.
Episode 7 #2: Constantine & Ben's dates
Question: Are Constantine and Ben the same guy? Brothers? It looked like Constantine was reading his own date card there in the room. Are they both at greater risk because she can't afford to keep around two of the same thing? Forgive me. It's been two weeks and I'm rusty on names and faces and personalities, such as they are. So we'll cover them together, Constantine first:
Line of the date, from Ashley: "Constantine is really taking this lantern thing seriously. It's making me think there could really be a future here." So THAT's what it takes? No wonder American marriages struggle. No Taiwanese lanterns.
Constantine definitely has bedroom eyes. Or puppy eyes. If you sleep with your dog, I guess it's the same thing.
So now to Ben:
Tonight's editing prize: "We're going places. We're going places." (Ben's voice over video of him and Ashley buzzing along on a scooter at, maybe, 20mph)
Oh, Ben is definitely getting a hometown date. Ashley wants that Sonoma wine country tour. And my guess is that JP is exactly right to be pretty jangled by Ben's all-nighter with Ashley.
Line of the date, from Ashley: "Constantine is really taking this lantern thing seriously. It's making me think there could really be a future here." So THAT's what it takes? No wonder American marriages struggle. No Taiwanese lanterns.
Constantine definitely has bedroom eyes. Or puppy eyes. If you sleep with your dog, I guess it's the same thing.
So now to Ben:
Tonight's editing prize: "We're going places. We're going places." (Ben's voice over video of him and Ashley buzzing along on a scooter at, maybe, 20mph)
Oh, Ben is definitely getting a hometown date. Ashley wants that Sonoma wine country tour. And my guess is that JP is exactly right to be pretty jangled by Ben's all-nighter with Ashley.
Bachelorette: Ashley, ep7--Too little for a whole show!
Due entirely to the intense early-morning airport needs of a certain faithful blog follower, I'm kinda running on fumes tonight. We may be looking at a short blog, and apparently a short show. BUT, we have the Emily/Brad post-mortem voyeur's delight to cover, so...all bets are off. To the nuts!
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