William--oooh. Bad night for you. Impressions, cutting in...
Jeff, lurking on the stairs, blaming everybody for judging him on his appearance. Dude, the problem isn't your appearance. It's the choosing to act creepy. Saying things like "I've never been happier" when you're sitting in the dark with a mask on telling about your divorce and brain problems. And the producers definitely told Matt to walk up right as he was about to take it off. They're not stupid.
Ben whining about his lack of opportunity. Going nowhere, dude. Another midlister.
Why does Bentley want NO ONE to ever date him again?
Ah! She has good radar for when people are sincere! She actually needs to hook up with Phillip from Survivor who has his mad Special Agent skills for reading people. Together they could know everything about everybody.
Chris is here now to tell us that Ashley feels "really good about the way this is going." I'm sure that'll make the guys going home feel better.
Can someone give me a count for how many times she's told people to "trust this" or "have faith in this process"? Seems rather self-serving. All but one of the guys are going to get cut off at the knees at some point, so...what, exactly, is trust going to do for them?
Do the roses have tiny, tiny little names attached to them? There's no way she could know everybody's names by now.
Just me, or was Chris a tad late with his entrance, leaving Ashley awkwardly staring at that final rose and wondering whether she was going to have to do her own math?
Confirmed: The outtakes at the end are my favorite part. I want a feature reel of just Jeffy Masko hanging out with the guys, eating chips, swimming laps...you know. Just being a normal dude.
Okay, ladies! Let's have it!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Episode 2 #6 Mickey's date
Mickey wins the solo date. Who's Mickey?
Jeff: Still no date? Oh, baby. Maybe the mask wasn't a good idea. Or she got word that you'll take it off on the first date and she wants you to suffer as long as possible. Bet it itches. Bet it makes you more vulnerable to attacks from the side. Bet it means you go home famous but nobody knows your face. Oh, snap! The plan backfired!
Oh yeah, Mickey. Dang he seems like no fun at all. Not helped by the way they couldn't seem to find enough money to light his face.
Who wants to go to a Colbie Caillat concert? Yay! I do! But wait--I don't get to enjoy it with a fun crowd, and have to stand around with boring Mickey? And my feet are wet?
Jeff: Still no date? Oh, baby. Maybe the mask wasn't a good idea. Or she got word that you'll take it off on the first date and she wants you to suffer as long as possible. Bet it itches. Bet it makes you more vulnerable to attacks from the side. Bet it means you go home famous but nobody knows your face. Oh, snap! The plan backfired!
Oh yeah, Mickey. Dang he seems like no fun at all. Not helped by the way they couldn't seem to find enough money to light his face.
Who wants to go to a Colbie Caillat concert? Yay! I do! But wait--I don't get to enjoy it with a fun crowd, and have to stand around with boring Mickey? And my feet are wet?
Episode 2 #5: The group date
Concern about West: He says he's nervous about being in Vegas, where he's never been before. Like, what, exactly, is going to happen to him surrounded by a camera crew? Get lost? Not know what to do when somebody puts a hooker card in his hand?
Into the dance crew gig--wait! Yes! I almost forgot the season subtitle: All About Ashley's Abs. Thanks for the reminder.
I think all the guys on the dance crew that got sent back to LA are right--they're all going to go home before anybody gets straight what their names are.
Cheryl, you dodged a bullet. There were people in that audience who paid full price to see America's Best Dance Crew and had to watch Ashley's Abs and a bunch of dudes who didn't know what they were doing. You were better off lying by the pool.
Now to the cocktail party:
Bentley, playing his assigned part: "I want her to know I'm better than all these other guys."
I appreciate West not being Emily and telling the widower story straight up. Weird for Ashley to say how glad he opened up to her, like she'd earned a special privilege of trust, when he's just knows not telling in this situation would end up being weird.
Not exactly sure where Bentley expects to go with knowingly portraying himself as the world's biggest cartoon jerk on national TV. What career is well served by this? And what is she seeing in him? Supposedly she's been "warned" by someone in that weentsy little circle of Bachelor/ette contestants and the people who date them, and he was acting like a 17-year-old jock jerk when they were talking together. Wait...that would mean...Ashley's a...reality show contestant?
Into the dance crew gig--wait! Yes! I almost forgot the season subtitle: All About Ashley's Abs. Thanks for the reminder.
I think all the guys on the dance crew that got sent back to LA are right--they're all going to go home before anybody gets straight what their names are.
Cheryl, you dodged a bullet. There were people in that audience who paid full price to see America's Best Dance Crew and had to watch Ashley's Abs and a bunch of dudes who didn't know what they were doing. You were better off lying by the pool.
Now to the cocktail party:
Bentley, playing his assigned part: "I want her to know I'm better than all these other guys."
I appreciate West not being Emily and telling the widower story straight up. Weird for Ashley to say how glad he opened up to her, like she'd earned a special privilege of trust, when he's just knows not telling in this situation would end up being weird.
Not exactly sure where Bentley expects to go with knowingly portraying himself as the world's biggest cartoon jerk on national TV. What career is well served by this? And what is she seeing in him? Supposedly she's been "warned" by someone in that weentsy little circle of Bachelor/ette contestants and the people who date them, and he was acting like a 17-year-old jock jerk when they were talking together. Wait...that would mean...Ashley's a...reality show contestant?
Episode 2 #4
"Millions of people have come all this way to see this" (referring to the Bellaggio fountains) I actually heard as "Millions of people have come all this way to see us." And it seemed plausible. But I have journalistic integrity, and shall not attribute greater narcissism to her than I can actually support with evidence. Full disclosure: I'll keep looking for evidence.
Is Jeff/Masko this season's Michelle Money? I distinctly heard "I know I'm going to make her fall in love with me."
CHALLENGE! "I don't know that any other guy could be as great as William." D'ya think? Nobody? Not one of you other men she's going to make out with and profess affection for? G'on. Try.
Is Jeff/Masko this season's Michelle Money? I distinctly heard "I know I'm going to make her fall in love with me."
CHALLENGE! "I don't know that any other guy could be as great as William." D'ya think? Nobody? Not one of you other men she's going to make out with and profess affection for? G'on. Try.
Episode 2 #2
Nice moment with Jeff. "I'm taking the stealth approach while all these other guys are riding around in cabs." Do please speak up if you have the foggiest idea what he might mean.
You know, most guys would think a first date that involved ring shopping would be a warning. Instead, he ends up looking a little brokenhearted when she dumps him at the altar. Steppingstone Wills again. But wait! No! She's "actually falling for him." Actually. Falling. Because that's how love works.
You know, most guys would think a first date that involved ring shopping would be a warning. Instead, he ends up looking a little brokenhearted when she dumps him at the altar. Steppingstone Wills again. But wait! No! She's "actually falling for him." Actually. Falling. Because that's how love works.
Bachelorette: Ashley, Episode 2
Sorry for the slow start, ladies. Slow recovery from that Memorial Day barbecue. But the blessed DVR is cued up and ready to go, so we're ready to dive right into the first solo date. William. Being as she suffered the curse of the first date, I'm guessing she picked somebody she likes, but not TOO much. Oh, William. I'm standing by my assessment of a broken heart at minus-4.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The boys, part 3
Jon: Picked her up when he got out of the limo. Wound up going right back out in the limo.
Lucas: Oil exec from Texas. I don't remember a darn thing about him.
Mickey: The chef that did the lean-in not-quite-kiss thing as his hello. Lots of laughing in response to that. Lots of laughing in response to everything, so maybe that doesn't clarify anything.
Eric: Liquor distributor. Handy profession in this crowd. You'd think. But apparently they already hired somebody because he's gone.
Stephen: Hairstylist with the shaggy, over-the-eyes-I'm-a-free-spirit cut of his own. I can totally see her living her life with a hairstylist.
Chris D: Opened with a poem I don't remember.
Rob: Tech executive who didn't need to show up. Tech guy? Ashley? Nope.
Matt: Office supply sales dude who started out with a "secret handshake." Way to make her feel like you're a couple of kids together. Way to wind up as just a friend.
Jeff: The Masked Man. Lists himself as an "entrepreneur." Doing something so odd you can't describe it seems a good fit for a guy who is willing to wear a costume full time in front of other men. Good call, Ash, keeping that one around for the entertainment value.
Frank: Picked her up and did some carry-dancing, but because she's a Dancer, you know, that didn't go over well. Goners.
Michael: Tech sales guy with an eye contact problem. Too cliche? Also gone.
Chris: Uncomfortable Canuck. Made the Maine girl uncomfortable about the proximity to her roots. Gone.
Ryan M: Construction manager who showed up with his camera so get proof he'd been there in case he got zero showtime. Still here, for now, so he doesn't need the stills. But given his Bachelor/ette groupiness, he'll probably want every souvenir that isn't nailed down.
Nick: Personal trainer with Cali surfer dude blonde waves. He'll do well if he lasts until they get to the beachy destinations.
Blake: Dentist. Duh. Who else would have a big enough dental budget to spend on those gleaming white caps?
Constantine: Restaurant owner with a girl-bait name. For tonight, at least, it worked.
Tim: The drunk. Also described as a liquor distributor. Do complete shipments ever make it to their destinations? Does he get MORE drunk on occasions when he ISN'T worried about how it might look? He'll be dead by 40. Pray he doesn't take anyone with him.
On that cheery note, we're done! Time to share!
Lucas: Oil exec from Texas. I don't remember a darn thing about him.
Mickey: The chef that did the lean-in not-quite-kiss thing as his hello. Lots of laughing in response to that. Lots of laughing in response to everything, so maybe that doesn't clarify anything.
Eric: Liquor distributor. Handy profession in this crowd. You'd think. But apparently they already hired somebody because he's gone.
Stephen: Hairstylist with the shaggy, over-the-eyes-I'm-a-free-spirit cut of his own. I can totally see her living her life with a hairstylist.
Chris D: Opened with a poem I don't remember.
Rob: Tech executive who didn't need to show up. Tech guy? Ashley? Nope.
Matt: Office supply sales dude who started out with a "secret handshake." Way to make her feel like you're a couple of kids together. Way to wind up as just a friend.
Jeff: The Masked Man. Lists himself as an "entrepreneur." Doing something so odd you can't describe it seems a good fit for a guy who is willing to wear a costume full time in front of other men. Good call, Ash, keeping that one around for the entertainment value.
Frank: Picked her up and did some carry-dancing, but because she's a Dancer, you know, that didn't go over well. Goners.
Michael: Tech sales guy with an eye contact problem. Too cliche? Also gone.
Chris: Uncomfortable Canuck. Made the Maine girl uncomfortable about the proximity to her roots. Gone.
Ryan M: Construction manager who showed up with his camera so get proof he'd been there in case he got zero showtime. Still here, for now, so he doesn't need the stills. But given his Bachelor/ette groupiness, he'll probably want every souvenir that isn't nailed down.
Nick: Personal trainer with Cali surfer dude blonde waves. He'll do well if he lasts until they get to the beachy destinations.
Blake: Dentist. Duh. Who else would have a big enough dental budget to spend on those gleaming white caps?
Constantine: Restaurant owner with a girl-bait name. For tonight, at least, it worked.
Tim: The drunk. Also described as a liquor distributor. Do complete shipments ever make it to their destinations? Does he get MORE drunk on occasions when he ISN'T worried about how it might look? He'll be dead by 40. Pray he doesn't take anyone with him.
On that cheery note, we're done! Time to share!
The boys, part 2
Bentley: Oh, Bentley. Have we ever seen so much effort given to identifying the bad boy from BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE? Really, I could've filled in the rest after you told me his daughter's name was Cozy. Spelled Cozy. What kinds of problems do you think she's gonna have when she's 15? Oh, wait. Dad will think it's inevitable and no problem because he hates women. Can someone save this girl before it's too late?
West: The prosecutor from South Carolina. Tragic widower, the bachelor version of Emily. And about as likely to find the kind of deep and abiding love to replace the old one on a reality show.
William: The guy who referred to himself (with a charming laugh) as a "stepping stone," always the last guy girls date before they find the one to marry. Self-effacing, easygoing, lovable, and doomed. He'll have his heart broken at about 4-5. The dead alcoholic dad won't save him. The one we'll be praying gets the boot because he's WAY too good for this mess.
That's it for the ones that got previews. Now on to the one-liners.
West: The prosecutor from South Carolina. Tragic widower, the bachelor version of Emily. And about as likely to find the kind of deep and abiding love to replace the old one on a reality show.
William: The guy who referred to himself (with a charming laugh) as a "stepping stone," always the last guy girls date before they find the one to marry. Self-effacing, easygoing, lovable, and doomed. He'll have his heart broken at about 4-5. The dead alcoholic dad won't save him. The one we'll be praying gets the boot because he's WAY too good for this mess.
That's it for the ones that got previews. Now on to the one-liners.
The boys, part 1
Ryan P: The solar energy company guy. You could see Ashley light up like a firefly's butt when he started talking about how big a company he'd built. He'll go far. Because she's irrational, maybe not far enough.
JP: The NY construction manager, with the Euro close cut. She'll go for the suave factor.
Ames: The portfolio manager/J. Peterman character who's done everything and done more of it than everybody. Two Ivy League colleges! Twenty-eight marathons! If there'd been more time they probably would've told us he's run with the bulls! Makes flaky pastry! Gilds his own loogies!
Ben C: The lawyer from New Orleans ("lantern jaw," so I can spot him in a crowd), who made a point of referring to himself as "passionate" and "romantic" repeatedly. How far will he go for love? Do we have this season's Casey?
Ben F: The Sonoma winemaker, tho it appeared when he was talking with Ashley that winemaker is more of a sideline than a label for his true soul. But it's tres chic to say that's what you do, so we'll stick with it. Besides, girls love to picture themselves strolling between rows of vines, barefoot, in a peasant skirt, casting long shadows behind themselves in the golden late-afternoon sun.
Bachelorette: Ashley, Episode 1
Okay, ladies, here we go: We have a heavenly Bachelorette summer stretching out in front of us, made all the more fun by sharing. Updating my phone OS and losing a year's worth of text snark was pretty painful, so I'm finally driven to blogging. Ready? Episode 1--let's introduce the cast. In order of appearance, in batches within separate entries to keep comments close to their subjects. Chime in as you see fit.
Ashley: I believe this season's subtitle may turn out to be All About Ashley's Abs. Did I miss something, or since when was she a dancer? And a dance coach, apparently. Perhaps there's more use for the language of dance in dental communication than I would've thought. Ashley is probably my favorite part of this season, because she's so shallow and senseless I'm totally fine with eating popcorn while I watch her li'l heart get broken (as we were told, luridly, repeatedly, would happen). How bad can it hurt when you're so into your own cuteness you can hardly feel it beating? Good news: I think the extensions are weighing her hair down enough to reduce the tossing. Too bad they couldn't find extensions that would keep her hands away from her face.
Ashley: I believe this season's subtitle may turn out to be All About Ashley's Abs. Did I miss something, or since when was she a dancer? And a dance coach, apparently. Perhaps there's more use for the language of dance in dental communication than I would've thought. Ashley is probably my favorite part of this season, because she's so shallow and senseless I'm totally fine with eating popcorn while I watch her li'l heart get broken (as we were told, luridly, repeatedly, would happen). How bad can it hurt when you're so into your own cuteness you can hardly feel it beating? Good news: I think the extensions are weighing her hair down enough to reduce the tossing. Too bad they couldn't find extensions that would keep her hands away from her face.
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