Episode 9 #2: Ryan returns!

Creepy, right? Ryan, the guy that gets told straight-up "I don't feel anything for you," then calls the producers and says sure, I'm so weirdly obsessed with a woman I barely know that I'm willing to get kicked in the gut for national entertainment! Buy me a ticket! Send me to Fiji for my shot at love! I'm willing to hang out on some of the best beaches in the world for a few days, having umbrella drinks and hors d'oerves brought to me, and see what happens. These are the kinds of sacrifices people make every day for people they love. Aw, go for it, Ashley. There are weirder ways to start a family, right? Like, options A, B, and C already on offer.

Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 9: Frisky in Fiji

Sorry. Here I go inviting new people to the blog right before--poof!--I disappear on vacation. A short one, but a necessary sanity break, which may or may not help the blogging. The definite double whammy, though, was that it meant I wasn't here to correct the DVR to accommodate the presidential address, and THEREFORE don't have the whole show. I'll catch what I can tonight, then see whether I can get the rest online tomorrow. Of course, by the time they finish all the retrospectives on each of the guys, there may be nothing left.

But first, tuck in your bra straps, Ashley, we're in for a surprise!

Episode 8 #6: And the broken heart goes to...

I hope everybody saw that ad for the Bachelor Pad. The Bachelorette is just a warm-up for the level of trashy exploitation of immature narcissists just around the corner. Don't miss it.

Wait--what? Straight to the rose ceremony without an alcohol primer? How is the one who gets cut supposed to handle this? I hope somebody filled the bar in the limo. But first, the ones who are fine without pain meds:

Ben. Duh.
JP. Duh.
Constantine. Duh.
Ames...What an expression! You could actually hear that breaking sound, couldn't you? And feel it in your own gut, right? Oh, honey. Things are gonna turn out better for you. Trust us. It's the Bachelor/ette Way. A trip to Fiji will be much better for you when you have a girl you're not passing around with two other guys.

I must say, though, I'm SUPER excited about the sister drama waiting for us in the finale: "I'm just trying to save you from yourself." Yeah, there's history there. Can't wait to dig it up!

Episode 8 #5: JP from NY

Good grief what a garden they meet in. I'm planting hyacinths this fall fo sho. After that botanical miracle, it seems a bit sad he takes her inside on such a gorgeous spring day. But look how thoughtful JP is--rollerskating does seem suited for the slightly bowlegged.

Really, all these guys are straight-up adorable. We're looking at the next Bachelor somewhere here. And I think Ashley's right (?!??)--there's good energy in this family.

HOLD ON! Ashley just said she's learned along "this journey" that she needs to listen to her head! WHAT?!?? As if nearly derailing the whole thing with her Bentley obsession wasn't enough, now she's going to upend the ENTIRE premise of the show by admitting that she can't ENTIRELY trust her "feelings"? I can't believe the editors didn't chop that blasphemy right out.

Episode 8 #4: Ben from Perfect Sonoma

Ah, finally! The hometown date Ashley has been picturing since he stepped out of the limo with that bottle and set of glasses. So maybe the weather is a smidge cool for walking barefoot between the vines, but that picture is getting clearer ALL the time.

AND his family is from the Italian/Slovenian border?!? Bonus points from me.

But something's wrong with this picture: Ben's "very protective" sister is the one who signed him up for an inevitable romantic disaster? Love the darling cozy-chic house, but something must be very wrong inside. And things seem kinda stiff, but could that possibly be a family feeling awkward with a camera crew invading their home and leering over everything they say? Nah!

Episode 8 #3: Town-and-Country Ames

So how picturesque is Chadd's Ford, PA? Yikes--and the estate. Yeah, Ames is a prep-school boy. I mean, with a name like Ames, was there any doubt?

Ha! Ames' mom thought he looked "healthy," of all things. Clearly not gifted at noticing the post-concussive fogginess in those wide-set eyes. Though the sister, at least, is quite good at reading where Ashley's head is, which is...elsewhere.

Oh, Ames, citing the Italian renaissance. Such a soft touch for romance. Although that "most romantic kiss ever" sure looked like a convenient reach-across from here. Maybe his bar is set a mite low. Still--run away. Or after you get dumped, find a beautiful, literary way to carry your broken heart into the arms of a much, much, better woman.

Episode 8 #2: Constantine from Cumming

What a lousy name for a town. Still, it looks nice, and the home brew on his coffee must be stronger because Constantine looks AWAKE and is talking a LOT faster than I've seen him out on the road.

First stop: The family restaurant. Is anybody else wishing that Ashley was wearing a hairnet over all those salad ingredients and pizza sauce? Sure, all those lookey-loo staff peeking in the window acted charmed and googly, but what they're REALLY thinking is Crap. We gotta restock ALL that stuff.

Constantine's mom's most important question for Ashley is whether she would be willing to move? Not, how are you with money, or do you like kids, or what kind of spiritual person are you, or even, do you love my son? Nope--will you make sure I get to keep my boy right here. Ouch. Watch it, girl. There are mother-in-law issues brewing here, right alongside that strong coffee.

Oh, producers, did you have to be so obvious? Hey! Constantine has a Greek family! We know all about Greeks because we saw the movie about the wedding! Bring them all in! Make them dance! Make them say Opa! Make sure there's an arthritic granny clapping on the sofa! Where's the Windex?