Emily #10ish...the aftermath

On the night of the actual finale my local TV was running the memorial for the victims of the Aurora movie theater shooting. Kinda puts things into perspective. With the unscheduled delay, my DVR caught the first half of the show, getting me through the Arie farewell and up to Jef getting ready to propose. Good enough. Congratulations on, what, two or three months of happiness? By now, Emily & Jef are unofficially broken up, official declaration to follow. Apparently Courtney and Ben are recently broken up as well. Ali and Roberto, also done. The only loose end left is what's-her-anorexic-hand-talker and bald-nice-guy-from-New-York. Ashley! and...I want to say something like Jon. (This is how profoundly I care about these people.)

But of course I'll be tuning in for the next really entertaining train headed for a wreck. The victim at the front of the train? Sean Lowe, the blonde beefcake. Let's just hope they don't cast any of Emily's friends from the park. See you in January!

Emily #9: Isn't "men tell all" an oxymoron?

Need any more proof that The Bachelor/ette is nothing like the real world? I think the real reason we tune in to this episode is because we're so intrigued with the novelty of a big group of men sitting around talking about their feelings, dwelling on the past, re-examining things they did or said...Good luck coming up with just one example of another time or place where you'd see THAT happen.

But clearly, these producers are not idiots, and they knew full well that they could NEVER fill two hours with that, so we got a good long journey down memory lane with Emily first, then previewed Bachelor Pad, and only then talked to the men for as long as possible. (And then they still had to fill with a good long preview of next week.) But I don't mind, because I've really grown to like Emily. Boring Barbie no more. Sistah's a little salty, it turns out. And Bachelor Pad looks like another grisly, can't-look-away train wreck.

Figure 9.1: The dangers of knowing you're pretty

I do appreciate how much more direct the men are in saying what they think of each other than the women are in their version. I guess the trouble is women have SO much invested in being liked by everybody that when a woman confronts another everything turns straight vicious. The men manage to do it without all the snottiness.

In a show as weird as this, it's surprising what an accurate read we can get on people. Kalon edited = Kalon live. Nope, producers didn't make that Narcissus up out of little snippets from the cutting room floor. He is what he is (see Figure 9.1). Emily, when she got there, handled THAT piece of work just fine on her own, thank you very much. In a surprising twist, Ryan edited = well, Ryan live. No shortage of sweet self-lovin' there, either. With a wink thrown in for good measure. And Chris edited has just as thin a skin as Chris live. (So sorry he decided to do Bachelor Pad. Can you think of a worse environment for somebody who just needs to find a sweet, gentle, goodhearted girl who thinks he hung the moon?) Sean, of course, is still first quality. No faking that.

So...who's it gonna be? Chemistry usually wins, which tilts the scale toward Arie. But with a single mom, we've got a wild card. Maybe the pull toward the nice boy (with the nicer family) is a little stronger. Jef gets my vote, but of course, I'm not picking. Hmmm...

Emily #8: Kinda boring, until it hurts like no other

An episode for men! After all these weeks of bundling up in chilly places, it's bikini time! And for the girls, especially Emily's cougar friends, it's Sean-without-a-shirt time! (In board shorts, ladies. Calm down. Heavens--we're not Europeans, you know.)

Sean's date: Is he at all worried that he's going on a private-island date just like she had with Jake the last time around? And as I recall, conversation seemed kinda awkward on that date, too. So hard to watch him struggle with saying those scary, scary words that no one should ever have to say to someone who's contractually obliged to not say them back and is actively involved with two other people. This is such a weird show.

Jef's date: Sweet sloop. But poor Jef has the worst hair to take outside on a windy day. Huh--it's pretty much the same after it gets wet. Have they ever shown us Emily's hair wet? Seriously great beading on her dinner dress, though. (I think I'll keep my commentary entirely on how things look through this date.) Will they ever show us somebody trying to use that skeleton key in a hotel door? Oop--she just called him Honey. There goes my Sean-only theory. And that's as close as I can get to something else to talk about. Really, these dates are very orderly and well behaved and kind and nice and good. Not much to say.

Arie's date: Who doesn't look awesome with a mask and snorkel? Nobody. Okay, everybody. Though if you're Emily or Arie, your chances of not horrifying the person you're with are slightly lower than those of the general population. And goodness knows the trained, fenced-in "open water" dolphins don't care either way. They just want their lives back. But lucky for the young lovers, it's another full moon night! Wow--they've had one EVERY night in Curacao! What an amazing climate they must have!

And deserving its own line: Super-props to Emily on how she's conducted herself with the whole bizarre fantasy suite issue. And plus-plus props on how she handled the issue with Arie. Well done, girl.

The choice: Of course it's hard. Who in their right mind WOULDN'T want to keep dating three guys (all easy on the eyes and apparently compatible) who all profess their love for you and escort you on dream dates that are paid for by sponsors? Wait--there are video messages?!? That's going to solve it for sure. Sheesh. I'd hate to think my chances were shot because I'm awkward at video messages. (Everybody equally uncomfortable with someone at a party telling you to look in a camera and say something to somebody who's not there? No? Oh. Just me.) I'm genuinely sorry for whoever goes home tonight. These are three class-act guys who don't belong on reality TV and one of them is definitely going to suffer. I refuse to feel sorry for people who sign up to do this, but shoot. I'm gonna have to break my rule. I like every one of these guys. Ah, Sean. The "you're so perfect" problem from last week came back to bite--she didn't crack through the perfect shell in time. If they'd only had a little longer...good luck, Sean. I'd like to say you'll do well, but you're going to have a lot of trashy chicks flocking around you, and finding somebody real is going to be a challenge. Shucks.

Emily #7: Hometowns can't be perfect for EVERYone

Nice of them to give us a summary at the beginning that requires no commentary whatsoever. Simple: We have four guys. Emily is going to go to their homes and make families say to themselves "Wow. I had no idea our boy could do THAT well!" And then she's going to come back and dump one of them. To the dates!

Chicago Chris: Viva Polska! Okay, knowing that he's a Polish guy definitely makes me see him as better looking than I've thought before now. In Poland, there are a zillion girls who would make you not look twice at Emily. And they're all on the arms of guys who look like Chris's little brother who was locked in a closet, yelled at, and not fed very much. Given the gene pool, Chris definitely sucked all the good material out. With a straw. And then flossed and got regular followup dental care. Poor Chris. I fear his family's concern about him ending heartbroken is going to be justified. And P.S., why couldn't I have had a fun ethnic family that throws costumed folk dance parties when they get together?

St. George Jef: Or should it be St. George Geoff? Or St. Jorge Jef? At any rate, it appears to be St. Rich Jef. This ranch is quite something. River property in the desert? You don't get that by accident. Turns out the hipster is a country boy at heart. This is going to sell well with Emily. (BTW, is one of those Utah fires Jef's fault? Blasting stuff in a canyon somewhere?) And while he's telling her that she looks great, is he secretly thinking that he knows his Mormon family would wish she was wearing a little shrug over that super-great little pleated spaghetti strap dress? Good news: It went well. I'm oddly rooting for this long shot. C'mon, Emily. Can't you see li'l Ricki playing tag under the cottonwoods with the rest of these little girls?

Arizona Arie: Ever since I confirmed that Arie is Arie Luyendyk Jr. I've wondered whether a weeee little bit of her attraction to him is a celebrity crush. Crossed with thinking it's a sign that he's a race car driver just like Ricky I. Not that he isn't great. Super-great. But...those things have gotta be in there, too, right? But as great as he is as an individual, there's always The Family. Are we all appalled at these people speaking Dutch in front of her? And is Emily at all put off to look at Arie's mom and think "In another 30 years, 300 tans, and 5 surgeries, I will look EXACTLY like that"?

Texas Sean: Or Shexas Tawn. Shoot. Of course we had to have a curve-breaker whose name doesn't match the place he's from. All her talk about him being perfect and having a perfect life and perfect family and all makes it sound as if she hasn't cracked the surface yet on him, so she clearly hasn't caught on to the name/place disconnect. And Surprise! His family lives in a McMansion. In Dallas. Of all the...perfectly predictable perfect things. BUT NO!!! Could it be? He not only lives at home, he's living there LIKE A TEN-YEAR OLD? Psych! Super-funny joke. Note: He's the only one she uses a pet name for (Honey), and that she said she HAD missed and WOULD miss. Significant? You decide.

Hollywood Humiliation: Nothing quite like getting dumped on national television after declaring your unlimited love on same said medium. Repeatedly. This'll take some time to heal for a sensitive guy. Good thing Chris has that big dancing family to comfort him. Pierogi won't do it alone. And would someone please tell me where they're headed next week? My recording cut off before the previews.

Emily #6: Prague, city of feelings

We're off to Prague! Well, Emily is off to Prague, with the boys. "We" doesn't actually include me. <sigh> Still bucking for that producer job...

Travel note: It seems the main square in Prague is pretty well thronging even in the off season. Which is good because Arie's about to get busted for "briefly" dating a producer "many years" ago, and the bigger the crowd, the better. (Will someone please explain to me the size of the Bachelor/ette world where people all seem to know each other and have dating experience with each other?) Okay, here it comes...she's gonna bust him...any second now... What? Now it's evening and they've already talked about it? This is a very weird segment, with the producer interview, the skips to Chris in L.A., the great big glaring hole in the middle of the date...bizarre. Press-driven last-minute re-edits, I guess.

John's date is mathematically doomed from the start. Too-late first date. Can't ever catch up.

Sean is seriously going to hunt through Prague for wherever Emily is? Impressive. Finding her? More impressive. I see her lipstick is in pretty good shape for having just come from a date with a guy who thinks his date couldn't have gone better. Methinks it could've. Or I need to know where she buys her  lipstick.

To the group date! Is Doug going to be the dad everywhere? There he is, in the carriage, sitting by himself holding an umbrella over the others. Thanks, Dad. Plus Chris all seething over not having a solo date...two out of three on this date are hanging on by their fingernails. And one just slipped. Buh-bye, Doug. Next? Chris's crazy, ragged, gnawed-to-the-bone, self-destroyed nails. Just me, or is she looking pretty stiff during that kiss? Uh, nope. Not just me. Congratulations on that rose, Sean.

Jef's date: That puppet show is simultaneously super awkward and super sweet. In a weird and surprising way, I can honestly see those two working out. Emily seems different around him. There's...a sparkle.

The non-cocktail non-party: Ironic, because this is one where alcohol would've been a mercy. Maybe John will make up for it in the hotel bar before he ships out.

Emily #5: Dubrovnik!

I can't write. I'm just going to stare at one of my favorite places ever. Travis, schmavis. He's just the nicest guy with the best attitude, but if you don't have a solo date one of the first four weeks, you're toast (see Alesandro. Clock's ticking for John, too). Pay attention to that city instead. Cats, check. Pigeons, check. Tile roofs, limestone and marble everywhere, check.

And for the group date...movie placement in...Scotland?!? Wha? We came all the way to Croatia for this? (plus, I've seen previews for Brave, and it looks better than stuff that usually ends up in the Survivor Theater--see Jack and Jill, Gulliver.) And now they're stuck doing Highland games in Croatia. Croatia deserves better. Kilts? Brogues? Ugh.

Ah, back to Dubrovnik for the evening. BTW, that street really does glow at night. Actual marble. Not a Hollywood lighting effect.

Some questions: Whatta ya say--Arie and Sean, final two? And what's it like in the holding tank for all the other guys while she goes on half-hour walks with each one? Is she getting tired of walking? How much lip gloss does she go through in one night? Do we need to add makeup touchup time to each of the half-hour outings before she goes out on the next one?


Now to Ryan's date and the pressing question: Has Emily given him enough rope to hang himself in one outing? Yes! That was one sweet self-lovin' monologue while he was getting ready. And I love the way he keeps talking about what HE wants from a partner through the date. Good spot, Emily. I think it would've been time for the guys to start questioning whether they want to be with YOU if you'd given this sleeze a rose. Love the reaction back at the house when his bag gets picked up. He's so narcissistic he didn't even read the GUYS right ("I've got some great relationships there. We'll hang out when this is over." I don't think you'll want to after you see what they've been saying about you.)

Another question: How much food gets wasted on these dates where no one eats? And one more: How do they manage the program schedule when she's kicking extra guys out (see Kalon's eviction last week) or sending both solo date candidates home in one night? Wait! We have an answer for that one! Hold a mercy rose ceremony where no one goes home. Simple!

Emily #4: Laughs in London

Sorry I'm late. On vacation. Not to London, but I think I had more fun than a lot of the dudes that were there.

First date: The much-ogled Sean the Blonde. We'll see whether brassy British women will grab at  him the same way those demure southern belles did. Did anybody notice than when Emily pointed out Westminster Abbey, it was not as the place where William & Kate just barely got married--apparently happily--but where Charles and Diana began the world's most publicly failed marriage, like, before she was born? FORESHADOWING! I'm curious--what exactly happened on the afternoon portion of the date that made her lose her voice by evening? Perhaps lots of conversation that didn't make the editorial cut, because it was, you know, ordinary and real and not about Feelings and What We Think About Each Other. Rose, check. I like Sean, even beyond the sympathy points he earned at the hands of Emily's "friends."

Group date: Kalon is such a pompous prig. "The other guys were joking around, but I was taking it seriously." "I was born to play this role." Still digesting that one. Arie, on the other hand, is born to play the role of A Good Sport and is doing it well. As is Travis. (Ooo--seriously splotchy spray-tan on Emily's confessional interviews. Apparently not as common of a procedure in an overcast country.) Love the way Kalon overpompouses himself by shooing Emily away during rehearsal. And the way Arie the Frightened comes through in the clutch.

And finally, Kalon flies his freak flag in front of witnesses, leading to Emily's QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "I wanna go West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on him." This is vocabulary I do not know. And I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with her blaming the guys for not telling her about that freak flag. DID YOU NOT SEE IT YOURSELF? Like, when he told you to stop talking so he could finish? Like, when he was being so weird during Shakespeare? I don't believe it's unreasonable for guys to think that tattling on other guys might not be well received. And BTW, girlfriend, Doug DID tell you as soon as he heard about it.

Jef's date: (Man, that looks weird in type.) Teatime! A digression: I just had my first cucumber tea sandwiches a couple of weeks ago (on white bread, buttered) and I could eat them by the fistful. Which is not considered finest form. Off to fish and chips! Which I could also eat a lot of. Oh--the date. Jef's looking later in his teens tonight. Maybe pushing twenty. Good for him. Now what's for dessert? Parfaits! Raspberry, it seems. With Creme Anglais? And a cookie wafer? Oh--oops. Right. The date. Such a nice little boy. He'd make a good buddy for Ricki. But she had to kind of make this date work, right? They're stuck in the London Eye. If she says we're through, they gotta sit there looking silently out the window for...who knows. More parfaits for everyone!

Insecurity Cocktail Party: Enough already. Kalon was a skeeze and you knew it. He's gone. Move on. Now the only question that remains is which of the low-camera-time faces is going home. And the winner is...no-camera-time Alejandro. But on to better news...we're off to DUBROVNIK!