BatchBen #5: The cocktail party

Oh, my, Blakely. Did you hear the casino bells ringing up massive points when she was telling Ben about all the stuff she liked and admired about him? Take that, Courtney. Way to hit when he's already feeling guilty about all that. Of course, Ben found it amazing that Blakely was "so honest" when she was praising him up.

Emily!!! You're CRACKED! You're a Ph.D. candidate, and you don't notice that it's kooky to say you're not going to talk about Courtney and then...talk about Courtney? How does she stay? Maybe it's because he's pretty sure she's right about Courtney. And the teasers for later in the season intrigue.

Poor Jennifer. Got a solo date, thought things went well, had to endure the camera shot of bare thighs sitting against a strap, and after all that she ends up hiccup-crying on national TV. Unfair.

No time to write more! I've just learned I have to check out "Diaries of the Departed" online!

BatchBen #5: Goodbye Elyse and hello Courtney!

I've been having trouble getting around the way Elyse reminds me of a really brassy Lebanese woman from the Next Food Network Star. ("Mediterranean Mama," she called herself.) But it looks like I won't have to. Did you pick up all of Ben's uncomfortable hair-tugging and squirming at dinner? Maybe he saw Next Food Network Star, too.

So the porter doesn't have to knock when he walks into a room full of women? I guess the presence of the cameramen establishes an open-door policy. And I don't disagree with Courtney's "Jersey shore" comment, but sheesh--don't say it.

Ah, the skinny dipping. I think the point at which Ben was explaining himself by saying "I don't know" was probably when Jill sent the text saying "I hate Ben." The followup of "I was thinking this probably wasn't a good idea but..." didn't help, either.

Did you notice her saying how great it was to be on the beach with "nobody around"? THEN WHY CAN WE SEE IT? Oh, wait--the camera crew. That's right.

BatchBen #5: Beisbol! And yachting

...con Los Gigantes! Things I learned during the game:
1. Ben serves up meatballs. 10-9? Seriously?
2. Be careful chest-bumping with Blakely--you could get bounced back onto the dirt in a flash.

And after:
3. Does the Wardrobe Transport Specialist get a line in the credits? Whoever gets all the girls' chosen outfits to show up wherever they are, including shoes, accessories, earrings, makeup...well done.
4. Courtney really thinks the world of herself. Maybe that's why she's still single: nobody else could ever think as much of her as she does of herself, and she can't BEAR to be underappreciated.

BatchBen #5: Nicki's date

Viequez! I have the t-shirt. Bought it there. Back when you still had to schedule beach trips around live ammunition military exercises. Of course, I bought it for my 10-year-old son and then stole it when he outgrew it and by now it's picked up some funky colors, but still. Good for running. But...wait...the first date is in San Juan? You're on this spectacular island and the first thing you do is leave it? The rain is punishment for the disrespect.

Nicky was one of my first faves. She had on a classy dress for the opening cocktail party and didn't introduce herself with a stupid line. Glad to see things are going well, but walking around San Juan I'm picking up zero chemistry, despite the way he's saying things are going so well.

Meanwhile, back in the house...ouch. Blakely got some sun.

BatchBen #4: Courtney's all-about-me cocktail party

Emily's roots look great. But that confidence-booster is not keeping her from falling into the inter-girl obsession trap. Clearly, as a Ph.D. student, she's never actually watched the show, or she'd know that the one who tries to expose the Bad Girl ALWAYS goes down first. Especially when the Bad Girl is already holding a rose. And it looks like she's going to keep it going next week! Oh, sheesh.

Let's play Three of These Things Belong Together! Consider the following quotes, from the same person: "I'm a nice person. Don't **** with me. I don't start fights, I finish them. Once you're on my **** list, it's hard to get off." First class, Courtney. You do know this is television, right?

Too bad about Monica. Roses went to a lot of girls whose names I don't know, and she seemed like a pretty straight-up solid gal. Best to ya. You can build a better relationship than this.

Really, I can't imagine what there is for anyone to comment on. Pretty blah episode. But next week, Viequez! I really don't care what they do--I'm ready to go back!

BatchBen #4: Jennifer's less-boring-than-it-looked date

Do I like Jennifer or want to slap her for wearing a seriously frumpy sweater on this one-shot-only solo date? Is this how she dresses to impress? Props, though, for being willing to be filmed with all her weight on a strap cutting across the backs of her thighs. If any such film existed of me, I would observe no limits in finding and destroying it.

Sidenote: Did not know there were professional salon highlight materials available to the participants, in a sufficient range of colors to allow anyone to find what they need for bathroom root touch-ups.

Ben's telling me there's a lot more going on with Jennifer than the camera is catching. The date is looking pretty boring from here on the sofa.

BatchBen #4: The group date

When your prince rides up on a horse, make sure he's not holding onto the saddle horn. Bad form, Ben. You could've practiced a little more.

And fly fishing...bad group date. A lot of women strung out 20' away from each other along a river, not interacting with each other, not able to move around much, all wearing big baggy waders... Question: Is Lindzi more jealous of Courtney's fish, or Courtney's time with Ben? And why is Courtney still holding said fish? That's a gold-medal stream, gals. Catch-and-release. Which is pretty much what Courtney is planning on doing with Ben.

Okay, Ben kinda made up for his weak-sauce date with Rachel by being straight-up with Samantha. Solid performance.

Darn Kacie is SO CUTE. And Ben admitted he's "in trouble" with her. Yay for trouble! It's good trouble. We just want her to stay calm. Which, one admits, is hard when he comes downstairs and next thing is off canoodling with Courtney, who's being a master manipulator and playing the sad and needy card. Darn, there's a whole set of social skills I never picked up.

BatchBen #4: Well, at least Utah is interesting

Poor Kacie. So many feelings, so soon. Can't bear to watch somebody else spend time with her Ben, and most of all wouldn't want to see him go up in a HELICOPTER with another...Wait! Look! A helicopter! For Rachel Bangs.

Utah, you're lookin' FABULOUS in the fall. Resolution: I'm not going to go inside the house at all next fall. Especially after I win that HGTV dream home along the Provo River! Or Danny and Michelle, if you win it, I'm assuming you'll let me stay.

Mmm...this isn't going well. Without champagne to cover the awkward silences, I'm not sure what they'd do. At least I have the viewer tease that if she doesn't get the rose she'll be CRUSHED. Yippee! Something interesting might happen! But shoot, no--somebody he's going to send home eventually instead gets to stick around longer so she can feel worse when it finally does happen.

Breaking News: And the next Bachelorette is...

Emily.
http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/01/18/emily-maynard-named-next-bachelorette-brilliant-or-bored-now/

The family bag of reaction, via email summarized here, is mixed:
Jill, diplomatically and with admirable journalistic ethics, broke the news and then made no further comment. I called it a snooze and was irritated at Emily for shattering any illusion I might have harbored that she was Better Than All This. Danny called her hot but boring, Michelle countered that Brad, not Emily, was the source of the boring (certainly true), and said she thought Emily would be great because she's real and the producers would outdo themselves casting the guys. She also registered disapproval of her husband's "grade A babe" comment. Cheryl gives Emily the "I'm not hopping mad, I'm hopping disappointed" lecture for crying about the media attention in the wake of the Brad breakup and then...stepping right back in front of the cameras.

The discussion also got us Michelle's suggestion that as long as we're taking post-breakup candidates for Bachelor/ette, that Roberto should be the next Bachelor. Take that, also-rans. I also suggested we keep an eye on Ashley of the Emily-Based Insecurity and JP or JR or JD or whatever his name was. They WILL break up, and it WILL be during Emily's run as the Bachelorette, which Ashley will certainly watch every minute of, and then dissolve into a heap of "They all wanted HER" weeping every Monday night, followed closely by "I know YOU really wanted HER" weeping, followed by...said breakup. You can take that to the bank.

BatchBen #3: The Party-Crash

AHA! Chris Harrison, you mad manipulator, you. NOW we know why Brittney left. You must've started pumping subliminal "something's wrong here" messages into her head at night so she'd leave voluntarily and open up a spot for...Shawntel! Who has "super-strong" feelings for Ben. Even though they've met only in passing through the Bachelor/ette fraternity mixers. Perhaps all her other relationships are with the equally unaware and unresponsive funeral parlor clientele, so she thinks that's normal.

Courtney is odd.

Question: As Shawntel was walking in, and a number of girls were heard to say "Who are you?" did anyone else, along with me, say "Who are YOU?" Seriously. I still don't know who half these girls are. But I definitely want them all there, because it adds spectacularly to the size of the crowd just standing there, maybe 10' away, watching Shawntel and Ben sit on the chaise. They could've done more with camera angles to play that up.

Elyse, the personal trainer, who got personally crashed by Shawntel's arrival, needs to work on her angry face in front of the mirror. That's not going to look good in another 15 years.

WHY did they all not turn on Chris when he walked in? Shawntel clearly threw him to the lions when she explained how she'd gotten there. WHAT is his magic power? Ah! I've got it! He's the Bachelor Adjustment Bureau!

And despite the high drama, it ends well. Don't worry, Shawntel. You'll get another shot after he breaks up with whoever he ends up choosing. Erika, don't you worry either. We know it wasn't The Bachelor that made you faint. Jaclyn...well, maybe you should worry. Whenever you come out of the bathroom.

Ew. Did you see the credits? I think we know now why Erika went home. Scratch that "don't worry." We're definitely worried ABOUT you.

BatchBen #3: Lindzi's consolation date

I guess since I didn't know who Brittney was, I won't miss her much after her bail-out. Ben seems glad to have spent the evening anyway with Lindzi, Choice #2. I'm already tired of her chin-tucking, though. And the way she seemed super-impressed that Ben had a key to city hall, which he did nothing whatsoever to acquire. And the way her previous one true love was the kind of 15-year-old dope who'd say "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you." She really seems like a nice girl, but something's off here.

BatchBen#3: Bikini skiing, or why Ben doesn't have a chance

Surprise! Ben is SUPER excited about today's group date! What could be more fun for ALL of us than bikini skiing?!? (Anybody notice the little kids watching along the side? Mothers, where are you?) Actually, seeing the previews for this one I thought Kacie B. was dead meat--nice girl went on a nice hometown date, enjoyed wholesome recreational activities, and then gets filed in the drawer somewhere behind bikini skiing. But I think all the trips down the hill she wound up taking backwards and bent over should keep her in the running. And she did a real brave job of not showing how much her tailbone hurt while she was walking around with Ben.

And after that kind of quality time spent together, he's certainly better equipped to choose a good candidate for forging a life together. So after much consideration, the rose goes to Rachel, who really "opened up" on this date. Oh, she opened up, all right. I'll tell you what she opened up.

BatchBen #3: Emily's (yawn) "face your fears" date

Ben seems to have his chances pretty well figured out. During the meet-up with his sister, did anybody else notice that shoulder shrug that went with "I hope it works out"? Place your bets with the body language, gals. Especially when they both voluntarily use manipulative producer-generated activities as metaphors for romance. "If we can climb the bay bridge together, there's nothing we can't do!" This happens every time, right? Some face-your-fears horrible thing that two people who barely know each other endure together and click! they bond. I think the same thing happens with people in a train accident. In this case, it's happening with Emily, the Ph.D. student, and Ben, the decreasingly impressive bachelor.

Tip: If you ever get on a reality show, be sure you LIE on the part of the questionnaire where they ask what your biggest fear is.

BatchBen #2: Crazy Crying Cocktail Party

So, does the serving of cocktails automatically make an event a "party"? Aren't parties supposed to be things people want to go to, where they have "fun" with "friends" and share a "good time"? Machiavelli himself could not have designed a more effective torture chamber. And then you add that the victims go into it VOLUNTARILY, and even COMPETE with each other for the opportunity? Evil genius!

I thought Jenna would get a producer push-through tonight, but not even they could paper over her performance. Better luck on the Bachelor Pad, sweetie! I'm sure that'll work out great. The other no-go, Red-Dress Girl whose name I can't remember, will probably have to find her own true love without TV help. Just like the rest of us.

How'd you do on your fantasy league picks? How are your favorites faring? How much would you pay somebody to just blow the lid of the whole mess to Ben?

BatchBen #2: Courtney's date

I suspect the conversation they showed us was typical of most of the date: "I'm really glad you're here today." "Me too." "I'm really excited." "I'm super excited too." "This is going to be fun." "Yeah, really."

FORESHADOWING!! He actually said "It's almost too good to be true." Multiple times. Shall we say it together? IT'S NOT. All she's doing is repeating everything he says. (Note: A very effective skill, especially when you have a cute upper lip and remind people that you're a model.) Count on it: "Too good to be true" will be a central theme for many episodes.

BatchBen #2: The Group Date

Looks like we're going to have TWO vixens this time! Courtney I'm-a-Model and Blakely Jugs. I'd advise Ben to listen to the kids--the ones they don't like, he shouldn't like either. They're seeing who's real and fake and aren't distracted by...things. Evidence: I LOVE the way they made Blakely zip those puppies up inside the Gingerbread Man costume. Blakely: 0. Kids: 2.

Jill and Cheryl--something about Blakely's teeth and cheekbones reminds me of Julie Stephens. Are you seeing it, too? Nothing against Julie, who is actually a good person.

And the rose goes to Blakely, the one who made the most of our time "in conversation." He actually said that. Conversation.

BatchBen #2: Kacie B's date

Props to Ben for picking one of my early gold stars for his first date, who earned my highly valued rating by being "very real" and "not overflowing her dress." Hey--we don't have much to work with on first appearances. She confirmed my assessment by a) going off-script when she spotted the baton and b) recognizing that baton-twirling is an embarrassing skill to have. And what were producers thinking, letting him bond with a home-town girl in his home town, with home movies, on his first date? Shucks. This thing might be all over. She's great. We like?

BatchBen #1: The Cast

So let's see what kind of an "experience" Beaming Ben is in for, based on what we can gather about these women in their selectively edited five minutes of fame. So that they have more money available for candles, producers of The Bachelor clearly do not hire scriptwriters to help these girls with their opening lines. You're on your own here, gals. And we'll start the liquor flowing before you even get there to help you feel freer about saying things that will make you want to crawl under the sofa when you watch at home. Here they are, in the order in which they disembarked from their shrieking, giggling limos:

Rachel: Bangs and blonde. I appreciate the bangs, but...don't remember anything else.
Erika: Law student, with the line about sentencing him GUILTY of being hot. Or something like that.
Amber "Bacon": Wanna taste of my bacon? Super-awkward, and headed straight home.
Elyse: A personal trainer who will "make you sweat."
Jenna: The drinking started VERY early for this one, who was already clearly unstable before she got in the car. Then she fumbled her line (quoting his memorable quip from the end of last season), went inside and whipped herself about it to any/everybody who would listen, then attacked a girl who said she didn't actually "feel" anything yet for a guy she'd just met but would stick around anyway, tattled about it to any/everybody who would listen, dissolved into tears, and wound up at the rose ceremony with her nose still visibly red. Yup, that was a producer keep, and I wager she'll make it another week. But the good news is that we have our first cast member of this season's Bachelor Pad!
Courtney: The designated "I'm not here to make friends" contestant. A model who loves the way the label instantly makes her hotter. She'll definitely expose Ben's shallower side ("That is a pret-ty guurl") and be around for a good while.
Emily: PhD in epidemiology with all the hand sanitizer and the talk about disease that had something to do with catching the right thing from the right person. Eek. And a closet rapper. (Different from a closet-wrapper.)
Samantha: A pageant girl who insisted she's so much more than that, but had the sash to make sure no one could ever see it.
Casey: In the see-through dress, who just said "I'll see you inside" and not much else. Apparently, she didn't need much else.
Amber T: The double-entrance. "Now you've seen me twice!" Which was enough for him, it seems.
Holly's Hat: Who entered wearing Holly and keeping the glare off Holly's Boobs. The four of them left together, as well.
Jamie: No line, so I love her already. Just a polite introduction, how are you, pleased to meet you, see you inside. And bless him, it worked. She gets a star in my entry book.
Shira: How many women have said they know ALL about wine as soon as they meet him, and then...don't. However many that is, add one. Then send her home to get something eat. Quickly.
Blakely: That is one tall drink of water. Duly noted by Ben, apparently, and retained for further evaluation.
Brittney's Grandma: Who was happy to meet Ben and then headed straight in for drinks! Oh--and then there's Brittney. Would she be there at all without Gran?
Nicki: With her super-classy sparkly cleavage-spillage-free dress, who also entered without a cheesy line. I love her best.
Diana: Brought the giggles out of the limo with her, escalated to hysteria, forgot her line (probably a mercy) then made the oh-so-wise decision to blindfold a guy she wants to remember her. Oops. See ya.
Jennifer: Accountant who ran through "the numbers" with him. Number of rose ceremonies she'll see? I'm guessing...two. Tops.
Lindsey the English Girl: Apparently an English accent doesn't work magic for everybody.
Anna: Who skipped the opening line for an opening routine, by walking by silently with a little wave. I think their next words might've been "Goodbye. Good luck."
Monica: Already misses her dog. After a day? I don't recall any of the single moms expressing the same sentiment about their children. She did relish watching Lindsey spin out of control, so she's not ALL about loving fragile creatures.
Jaclyn: I don't remember a darn thing, except a note that she's an ad account rep. Go advertising!
Shawn: Worst dressed. That green grab-everything dress with the bustle WAS her opening line. And her bottom line.
Kacie B: Very real, and not overflowing her dress. She gets another of my early gold stars.
Lindzi: I liked her in her opening interview, but the horse entry was lame, and talking about how she's been riding her whole life reveals a seriously indulged high-maintenance woman. Any doubt? Check the spelling of her name. Here's hoping that first impression rose doesn't carry her too far.

So good luck with this, Ben. Any other thoughts or observations? How long do you think it'll be before somebody picks up on his thing with hummingbirds being a token of his deceased father and starts wearing hummingbird pins and headbands and earrings and slipping drawings under his bedroom door? Who'll go far? Who'll go farther than she should? Who are you rooting for?

BatchBen #1: "I Know This Experience Can Work!"

I think it's nice to begin a new season with a healthy dose of optimism and hope. But the cynic in me wants to parse his words a bit:
1. "Know"-- Sure, if you're mindful enough about your usage of all the other words in the sentence, go for it.
2. "Experience" -- One step above "journey." This is a nice broad word, and so certainly correct. It will be...an experience, certainly.
3. "Can"-- I believe the usage here is the same as in "With enough hard work, you can do anything you want." That's a sweet thing to say to children with big dreams or adults with little bitty ones, but the reality is that there are certain inescapable limitations. In Ben's case, it's the collection of women picked out for him by producers of mass-market entertainment and not allowed to interact with him in any sort of normal fashion. Face it, buddy, it's a death march, and I hope your use of "can" is surrounded by asterisks.
4. "Work"-- Ah, here's a big net. "Work" as in find two soul mates? Well, that's one option. "Work" as in make me famous so I can find better babes? Another. Work as in sell more bottles of wine? Another. "Work" as in teach me important life lessons and otherwise unknowable things about myself independent of the person I end up choosing? You just stay optimistic, there, li'l buddy.

So what do you think about our hapless bachelor? Too good for this? Or does participation automatically downgrade a person from the start? What fatal character flaws do we see dooming this whole thing from the start? Or is he The One?