Hey guys! I'm going to set fire to myself with the little shreds of your dignity and the lives you left behind to be here! And it's going to feel GREAT!
Funny how thinking of what you want and how awesome it'll make you feel can TOTALLY suck you into a place where other peoples' feelings have NO place in your brain. Oops, Ash. One of those times it would've been a good idea to practice stuff in your mind before saying it. A little forethought might've kept her from telling everybody that the guy she REALLY wanted while she was stringing everybody else along didn't want her and so NOW she's SUPER excited to have them here.
Good brave walking-out Mickey. The only problem is that the boat that took him away left too soon--I think there are about three other guys who wanted to get on it.
Chris Harrison might not be getting paid enough.
Oo! Faux pas! He actually told her to "speak from your heart." Oh, dear no. Isn't that what just got us in this fix?
Oh, Blake! Glad you got out while you could. You--with or without the veneers--can do SO much better. Note how all the guys are hugging him and sorry to see him go. That's a quality individual. "I'm just looking for a friend." Oh, honey. You will. Real soon.
But how 'bout those previews!?!? How many bring-backs is she gonna get? And the closing line? "My heart is broken!" Yeah, baby. That'll bring up the ratings. Goodness knows I'll keep tuning in!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Episode 6 #5: JP's dreamy date
JP seems like a genuinely sweet guy. Wait! Shoot! How many times have I said something like that in the last few paragraphs? Is Ashley left with nothing but good guys? Has she rooted out all the butts of our jokes? Is it up to her to carry the comedy for the rest of this series by herself? NOOOO!
Ah, bless her. Bentley to save the day. She rooted out all the d-bags EXCEPT the one still twirling around in her mind! He's the gift that keeps on giving because unlike a REAL person, he can show up ANYWHERE! ANYTIME! Like in the middle of a great date with another guy!
Ashley: If your heart is "beating out of your chest" about saying something to somebody, DON'T SAY IT. Yeah, dude's being brave, and a seriously good guy, but he is definitely uncomfortable. Big points for carrying that off gracefully.
Thoughts on Ashley's big sheer shirt? Did you see the size of those pockets? Now those are useful! You could fit an iPad in there! (Good catch, Dad.)
Yeah, Ashley and JP are going places. He's in it to the end. THE end.
Ah, bless her. Bentley to save the day. She rooted out all the d-bags EXCEPT the one still twirling around in her mind! He's the gift that keeps on giving because unlike a REAL person, he can show up ANYWHERE! ANYTIME! Like in the middle of a great date with another guy!
Ashley: If your heart is "beating out of your chest" about saying something to somebody, DON'T SAY IT. Yeah, dude's being brave, and a seriously good guy, but he is definitely uncomfortable. Big points for carrying that off gracefully.
Thoughts on Ashley's big sheer shirt? Did you see the size of those pockets? Now those are useful! You could fit an iPad in there! (Good catch, Dad.)
Yeah, Ashley and JP are going places. He's in it to the end. THE end.
Episode 6 #4: The Group Date
Hey look! Ashley's abs! But I think I need to back up and hear how many of her confessionals and voice-overs include the word "Bentley." Still. Present or absent, lingering or "over it," he is still driving this train.
A dragon boat team-finding competition? When did Bachelorette start borrowing date ideas from Amazing Race challenges?
Oh, poor Ames. He's taking all this stuff way too seriously. His brains got seriously scrambled last week. Team Red Dragon is FUNNY. I like that. Chanting "idiot" in Chinese and saying stuff like "We're getting smoked." "Yeah, dude, like salmon." And singing. Love it.
Oh, Ames, you playah. Elevator kissing. Love the way they felt embarrassed and pulled apart when the elevator doors opened. But the cameraman standing there with them isn't a problem.
Ben F: Who's the biggest skeptic of all? "This guy." But take note: He DOESN'T have two thumbs to say it with! Home run, dude. The audience loves you. Let's hope Ashley keeps that Sonoma life vision front and center. Maybe Mickey the Chef could come along and cook some great Sonoma food to go with their wine. I find him to be also amusing.
A dragon boat team-finding competition? When did Bachelorette start borrowing date ideas from Amazing Race challenges?
Oh, poor Ames. He's taking all this stuff way too seriously. His brains got seriously scrambled last week. Team Red Dragon is FUNNY. I like that. Chanting "idiot" in Chinese and saying stuff like "We're getting smoked." "Yeah, dude, like salmon." And singing. Love it.
Oh, Ames, you playah. Elevator kissing. Love the way they felt embarrassed and pulled apart when the elevator doors opened. But the cameraman standing there with them isn't a problem.
Ben F: Who's the biggest skeptic of all? "This guy." But take note: He DOESN'T have two thumbs to say it with! Home run, dude. The audience loves you. Let's hope Ashley keeps that Sonoma life vision front and center. Maybe Mickey the Chef could come along and cook some great Sonoma food to go with their wine. I find him to be also amusing.
Episode 6 #3: Lucas' date
BTW, I love the commercial for the limited-edition Huggies denim diaper with the kid swagging to the valet-opened limo. "My diaper is full...of fashion." Bentley to be?
Why does she think EVER telling the guys about her hangup about another guy would be a good idea? Which insecurity of her own from her time with Brad is she forgetting about?
Line from this segment: "Look at the street market. They're selling things." That's about as good as the conversation seemed to get. Lucas is coming across as pretty dull.
Ooo. He's divorced. Not gonna last. Which confession he follows up immediately with the other relationship killer: Referring to another woman as "the love of my life." But of course she's still too Bentley-whipped to trust herself to make a harsh judgment. So he gets a rose! Because there's "something about his manlihood" that makes her feel protected. From herself? If only.
Why does she think EVER telling the guys about her hangup about another guy would be a good idea? Which insecurity of her own from her time with Brad is she forgetting about?
Line from this segment: "Look at the street market. They're selling things." That's about as good as the conversation seemed to get. Lucas is coming across as pretty dull.
Ooo. He's divorced. Not gonna last. Which confession he follows up immediately with the other relationship killer: Referring to another woman as "the love of my life." But of course she's still too Bentley-whipped to trust herself to make a harsh judgment. So he gets a rose! Because there's "something about his manlihood" that makes her feel protected. From herself? If only.
Episode 6 #2: Bentley Redux
Note: Any guy who's looking out the window and all over the room when he's saying his feelings for you are real is LYING.
OO! Snap! She just told him he needs to be a man and end it if that's where it's headed. Maybe Chris's subtle mind-plants have begun to take root.
My, this is a lot of awkward silent sitting on the couch.
Huh. Well, that was quick and anticlimactic. I sure preferred a dude busting through the bushes in a cast.
OO! Snap! She just told him he needs to be a man and end it if that's where it's headed. Maybe Chris's subtle mind-plants have begun to take root.
My, this is a lot of awkward silent sitting on the couch.
Huh. Well, that was quick and anticlimactic. I sure preferred a dude busting through the bushes in a cast.
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 6--Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Here's my theory: Ashley has such low self esteem that deep down she thinks all she really deserves is an unavailable d-bag. Anybody who's really good is going to be doubted, questioned, and thrown away. Tonight, she WILL sabotage any chance she might've had with a pleasant, shallow, good-looking guy who wanted a giggling, shallow, slightly bowlegged litle girl. So let's get ready to enjoy it!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Episode 5 #5: The cocktail party/rose ceremony
...or "Be true to yourself," in which Ashley tells everybody to open up. Put it all out there. Because that worked out so well for Chantal.
Ames still looks a little stunned. I hope he doesn't open up to a degree that he starts saying something embarrassing about his gastrointestinal health.
And she's completely messing everything up for herself with her head still wrapped around Bentley. Did he even begin to guess that his little game would have THIS many repercussions?
So slam goes the cocktail party, and she leaves to tell Chris...bring me the head of Bentley. Why is she hesitating to tell this to Chris? She's been talking about Bentley in all these confessionals. Does she think it's like a priest's confessional? Does she not realize she's talking to producers who TALK TO EACH OTHER and perhaps, oh, maybe, THE HOST?
Scratch my earlier post! The REAL line of the night, from Chris, in response to Ashley's "In times where I need comfort, I think about him. Is that normal?" Here it comes:
"No."
Touche! This man is clearly a professional. Chris Harrison and Cat Deely should get together. They would breed PERFECT hosts.
What are the producers thinking while they listen to her waffle and whine and fret? Is this gonna blow our schedule? Ruin our show? Do whatever it takes! FIX THIS!
To the rose ceremony, where Ames is still not quite focusing on the right thing. Hooray! He recognized his own name and hit his mark to get the rose! Better visual acuity tomorrow, buddy, we hope.
Goodbye invisible surfer dude. No surprises. Nick? Is that the name? He seems like a nice enough guy, with good enough looks to fare pretty well on his own. If only he didn't show catastrophic lack of judgment by going on the Bachelorette...
To Hong Kong! One of her favorite cities in the world, because everybody is her size! Where all the bachelors are going to be furious to learn she's been carrying a torch for Bentley all this time! Where she's going to ruin EVERYTHING for herself! There is no way for anybody to screw this up: Next week is going to be stupendous.
Ames still looks a little stunned. I hope he doesn't open up to a degree that he starts saying something embarrassing about his gastrointestinal health.
And she's completely messing everything up for herself with her head still wrapped around Bentley. Did he even begin to guess that his little game would have THIS many repercussions?
So slam goes the cocktail party, and she leaves to tell Chris...bring me the head of Bentley. Why is she hesitating to tell this to Chris? She's been talking about Bentley in all these confessionals. Does she think it's like a priest's confessional? Does she not realize she's talking to producers who TALK TO EACH OTHER and perhaps, oh, maybe, THE HOST?
Scratch my earlier post! The REAL line of the night, from Chris, in response to Ashley's "In times where I need comfort, I think about him. Is that normal?" Here it comes:
"No."
Touche! This man is clearly a professional. Chris Harrison and Cat Deely should get together. They would breed PERFECT hosts.
What are the producers thinking while they listen to her waffle and whine and fret? Is this gonna blow our schedule? Ruin our show? Do whatever it takes! FIX THIS!
To the rose ceremony, where Ames is still not quite focusing on the right thing. Hooray! He recognized his own name and hit his mark to get the rose! Better visual acuity tomorrow, buddy, we hope.
Goodbye invisible surfer dude. No surprises. Nick? Is that the name? He seems like a nice enough guy, with good enough looks to fare pretty well on his own. If only he didn't show catastrophic lack of judgment by going on the Bachelorette...
To Hong Kong! One of her favorite cities in the world, because everybody is her size! Where all the bachelors are going to be furious to learn she's been carrying a torch for Bentley all this time! Where she's going to ruin EVERYTHING for herself! There is no way for anybody to screw this up: Next week is going to be stupendous.
Episode 5 #4: The Thunderdome date
"Who's got two thumbs as is going home with a rose? This guy." Yeah, William is THAT guy. This should be weird. Ben C is stiff and William is a jerk. Evidence? "I can be the funniest guy in the room." And he thinks it's true.
Did you catch that sheepish "uh, it wasn't me, dude" look William gave when Ben C glanced at him after he got the ax? I think that was part of "I can be the biggest **** in the room." Yet again, Ashley's showing herself a very astute instantaneous judge of character.
"I'm a 30-year-old boy." Ow. So true. Note for the future: That line is never gonna play with the non-party-girl set. Also true: "I am the world's biggest **** jackass." Good job, Ashley! And yes, William, you're right, that problem has been plaguing you all along and will continue to. Who has two thumbs and no lasting romance in his future? Yeah, this guy.
Did you catch that sheepish "uh, it wasn't me, dude" look William gave when Ben C glanced at him after he got the ax? I think that was part of "I can be the biggest **** in the room." Yet again, Ashley's showing herself a very astute instantaneous judge of character.
"I'm a 30-year-old boy." Ow. So true. Note for the future: That line is never gonna play with the non-party-girl set. Also true: "I am the world's biggest **** jackass." Good job, Ashley! And yes, William, you're right, that problem has been plaguing you all along and will continue to. Who has two thumbs and no lasting romance in his future? Yeah, this guy.
Episode 5 #3: FIGHT CLUB!
All About Ashley's Abs. She's not going to participate, but she's going to demo some kick boxing for us anyway. As a warm-up to window shopping at the meat market. Nope! Not window shopping! She's gonna handle the merchandise and take a push-up ride or two.
Quote of the night, Ashley, as a precursor to the first fight: "I just hope they don't take it too seriously and have some fun with it." You do realize you just put two testosterone-impaired pectoral adult males, fighting for the attention of a single female in spandex, in a boxing ring together? Do you notice how she's cringing in every shot while the guys are laughing and pointing and cheering? Boys are stupid. Fighting is stupid. Loved li'l JP's attitude, though. Poor Ames. I think he's even less excited about the hot pink shorts there in the hospital in front of all the med staff.
Oo! Quote of the night followup at the cocktail party: "I thought it was gonna be a fun thing and I thought everyone was going to bond." Has she ever actually known any human males older than, mmm, 10?
Okay, I see Ryan's over-chipper side there at the cocktail party giggling over his bruises. Sheesh Ames is messed up. I hope they keep him away from the alcohol.
And the rose goes to...Blake the I-haven't-had-much-reassurance dentist. Getting the rose put an "instant smile on my face." Way to work the veneers.
And in the final shot, WHO PUT A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE IN AMES' HAND?!?
Quote of the night, Ashley, as a precursor to the first fight: "I just hope they don't take it too seriously and have some fun with it." You do realize you just put two testosterone-impaired pectoral adult males, fighting for the attention of a single female in spandex, in a boxing ring together? Do you notice how she's cringing in every shot while the guys are laughing and pointing and cheering? Boys are stupid. Fighting is stupid. Loved li'l JP's attitude, though. Poor Ames. I think he's even less excited about the hot pink shorts there in the hospital in front of all the med staff.
Oo! Quote of the night followup at the cocktail party: "I thought it was gonna be a fun thing and I thought everyone was going to bond." Has she ever actually known any human males older than, mmm, 10?
Okay, I see Ryan's over-chipper side there at the cocktail party giggling over his bruises. Sheesh Ames is messed up. I hope they keep him away from the alcohol.
And the rose goes to...Blake the I-haven't-had-much-reassurance dentist. Getting the rose put an "instant smile on my face." Way to work the veneers.
And in the final shot, WHO PUT A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE IN AMES' HAND?!?
Episode 5 #2: Ben F.'s date
This segment title really is as it has to be. I'm not abbreviating something that should be bleeped.
Yes, I want to go to that place. Dad says it's cheap. This makes for great travel TV. Do you love how they're working themselves up over the naughtiness of wanting to kiss at the temple? You want to, right? But we can't. But you want to. But we can't. You know we can't. It's terrible we can't. Yeah, terrible. Make you think of Claire and Phil Dunphy playing adulterers?
Ah, time to work that vision of being a winemaker's wife in Sonoma. "What do you do? Can I help you?" Of course she wants the peasant dress and the bare feet and the golden light lying long down the rows of grapes. Looks like Ben F. is in for the long haul.
Good thing she got that rose out when she did, because it would've been awkward if those fire dancers came out in the middle of-- what? Contrived by producers? No!
Yes, I want to go to that place. Dad says it's cheap. This makes for great travel TV. Do you love how they're working themselves up over the naughtiness of wanting to kiss at the temple? You want to, right? But we can't. But you want to. But we can't. You know we can't. It's terrible we can't. Yeah, terrible. Make you think of Claire and Phil Dunphy playing adulterers?
Ah, time to work that vision of being a winemaker's wife in Sonoma. "What do you do? Can I help you?" Of course she wants the peasant dress and the bare feet and the golden light lying long down the rows of grapes. Looks like Ben F. is in for the long haul.
Good thing she got that rose out when she did, because it would've been awkward if those fire dancers came out in the middle of-- what? Contrived by producers? No!
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 5
Very quiet week, ladies. I was at camp; what was your excuse? Okay, granted, it was a very boring episode. Better things this week. Bentley's Back! And he's back entirely because producers were getting as bored as we were, texted him, offered a ticket to Thailand, tossed in a few incentives (vouchers for the Bangkok hooker scene?), and told him to bring his bad self on over to kick up some front-row drama. Count me in.
I've never been so interested in Asia travel, but at about the 60-second point, I already think I want to go to Chiang Mai. Especially if I have the kind of budget they seem to be working with. So let's go!
I've never been so interested in Asia travel, but at about the 60-second point, I already think I want to go to Chiang Mai. Especially if I have the kind of budget they seem to be working with. So let's go!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Episode 4 #5: The cocktail party/rose ceremony
Bold move, horizontal stripes. Bet she wouldn't try that if she had competition in the room.
West the Tragic Widower: There's no way Ashley wants to be the second woman in somebody's life. But of course she's couching it in terms of "I don't know if he's ready." This guy won't last long.
Lucas the Tragic Divorced Guy: There's no way Ashley wants to step into the arms of damaged goods, either. Always risky to be with a guy who let himself "fall out of love" once already.
Ryan: I can totally see why the guys don't like the hey-there GQ guy. It's the same reason advertisers don't use perfect guys to sell stuff to men. Blake "Caps" the Dentist is a stand-up guy for telling him so, rather than just joining in gossip circle. Short of a major disaster, he'll be around for a while.
Bold move, Chris, putting your arm around her while you walk her out for the rose ceremony. Trying to stir something up with the guys? Aaaaand...we're back to Bentley. Chris is taking up the role of "life counselor," nobly, given the constraints of the show and the lack of ethical professional constraints, but Ashley is not picking up the REALLY broad hints he's giving her about him.
So does the extra rose mean an extra week for us? Goodie! Even if not, the thing we can be sure it does mean is the one guy going home tonight is going to feel like the pits.
Seeing who's in the final two...don't wear a light-colored suit. And I'm right! Girl is not going to take a chance on love with West the Tragic Widower. Poor guy. He's so much better off. There's a real girl out there for you who's not wallowing in insecurity. I'm sure of it.
And next week...MORE BENTLEY! Good grief. Somebody medicate this girl. May you all have a better night than she's going to, and may you never be troubled by feelings.
West the Tragic Widower: There's no way Ashley wants to be the second woman in somebody's life. But of course she's couching it in terms of "I don't know if he's ready." This guy won't last long.
Lucas the Tragic Divorced Guy: There's no way Ashley wants to step into the arms of damaged goods, either. Always risky to be with a guy who let himself "fall out of love" once already.
Ryan: I can totally see why the guys don't like the hey-there GQ guy. It's the same reason advertisers don't use perfect guys to sell stuff to men. Blake "Caps" the Dentist is a stand-up guy for telling him so, rather than just joining in gossip circle. Short of a major disaster, he'll be around for a while.
Bold move, Chris, putting your arm around her while you walk her out for the rose ceremony. Trying to stir something up with the guys? Aaaaand...we're back to Bentley. Chris is taking up the role of "life counselor," nobly, given the constraints of the show and the lack of ethical professional constraints, but Ashley is not picking up the REALLY broad hints he's giving her about him.
So does the extra rose mean an extra week for us? Goodie! Even if not, the thing we can be sure it does mean is the one guy going home tonight is going to feel like the pits.
Seeing who's in the final two...don't wear a light-colored suit. And I'm right! Girl is not going to take a chance on love with West the Tragic Widower. Poor guy. He's so much better off. There's a real girl out there for you who's not wallowing in insecurity. I'm sure of it.
And next week...MORE BENTLEY! Good grief. Somebody medicate this girl. May you all have a better night than she's going to, and may you never be troubled by feelings.
Episode 4 #4: Ames's date
So it looks like the first thing we learn from Ames's date is not to give your kids names that end in S and make possessives awkward. But he gives us the memorable quote "The last minute is the best minute." I like it.
I'm wishing the weather was better. This is stunning scenery that we're not getting to fully appreciate. But the clouds are their own kind of cool.
Still talking about Bentley. Holy obsession. I think he's growing to mythic proportions in his absence. Well played, Bentley of the mysterious motives. And whoa--it was all about Bentley from the beginning? Did he PLANT the warning to raise the intrigue level? Beyond well played--brilliantly played!
I'm liking Ames in spite of the widely spaced eyes. He could find himself the father of some awkward-looking children. But uh-oh--warning bells! He thinks you should be looking for feelings in a relationship! Learn the lessons of the Bachelor/ette! Feelings will destroy you! But yet another guy with the decency to restrain himself from the smooth-mover first kiss. We've yet to see how that's going to play out.
I'm wishing the weather was better. This is stunning scenery that we're not getting to fully appreciate. But the clouds are their own kind of cool.
Still talking about Bentley. Holy obsession. I think he's growing to mythic proportions in his absence. Well played, Bentley of the mysterious motives. And whoa--it was all about Bentley from the beginning? Did he PLANT the warning to raise the intrigue level? Beyond well played--brilliantly played!
I'm liking Ames in spite of the widely spaced eyes. He could find himself the father of some awkward-looking children. But uh-oh--warning bells! He thinks you should be looking for feelings in a relationship! Learn the lessons of the Bachelor/ette! Feelings will destroy you! But yet another guy with the decency to restrain himself from the smooth-mover first kiss. We've yet to see how that's going to play out.
Episode 4 #3: The group date
Wow. Does nice JP actually think this service date is Ashley's idea and shows off what a noble person she is? Aw, shucks. That's so innocent and sweet and dangerous.
Nothing much to say about the date, except watch out, kids! Wet paint! On to the cocktail party:
Well played, Ben F. of the misshapen elephant. Well played.
Well played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" and "I think you're beautiful."
Well played, JP of the "that sucky date was perfect" and the smokin' make-outs. Looks like he'll last the night. Or maybe not if the other guys kill him for carrying Ashley back from the beach.
Poorly played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" who turned it around and gave us the awkward "I need her for just TWO minutes. Really" and said...I can't wait to see you again? That was it?
Nothing much to say about the date, except watch out, kids! Wet paint! On to the cocktail party:
Well played, Ben F. of the misshapen elephant. Well played.
Well played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" and "I think you're beautiful."
Well played, JP of the "that sucky date was perfect" and the smokin' make-outs. Looks like he'll last the night. Or maybe not if the other guys kill him for carrying Ashley back from the beach.
Poorly played, Ryan of the "I get along great with the guys" who turned it around and gave us the awkward "I need her for just TWO minutes. Really" and said...I can't wait to see you again? That was it?
Episode 4 #2: Constantine's date
Phuket, schmuket. Let's start with Ashley's Abs! And the mockery of date planning with the hotel concierge. As if.
How shallow is Ashley? Quantified with numbers, please. My guess is that she spent...30 minutes with Bentley. And despite a warning, she'd already put him in a tux at the finale, pictured a wedding, chicken dinner, champagne, children, and a white picket fence. And now she's still reeling from losing...what? Is the outcome more doomed for Ashley than ANY PREVIOUS CONTESTANT? Odds please. With numbers.
Lucky Constantine scores the bad weather date. Shoot. The original plan is scrubbed. Is Ashley actually going to have to come up with another plan? Like really? Like, on her own? Doubtful. Dad wonders if they're going to end up in the red light district while they wander through town. And he prophesies she's going to decide he's really the kind of guy she could spend her life with. But then the most profound piece of advice she hears from the old married guy is that you shouldn't try to compete in a relationship. If this is news to her...ouch.
Shoot. That is one pretty town.
And...we're still talking about Bentley. About strong and real feelings. What we learn from the Bachelorette: Don't EVER trust your feelings. You shouldn't even have feelings. Feelings will ruin you and lead you into traitorous relationships. The Bachelorette is the murderer of feelings.
These two seem to be having a genuinely solid, productive, normal conversation. I like this boy. And not moving in at the first opportunity for the smooth-mover kiss? I like it, but with this girl, in this setting, is it actually the kiss of DEATH? (Duh-duh-duh.)
How shallow is Ashley? Quantified with numbers, please. My guess is that she spent...30 minutes with Bentley. And despite a warning, she'd already put him in a tux at the finale, pictured a wedding, chicken dinner, champagne, children, and a white picket fence. And now she's still reeling from losing...what? Is the outcome more doomed for Ashley than ANY PREVIOUS CONTESTANT? Odds please. With numbers.
Lucky Constantine scores the bad weather date. Shoot. The original plan is scrubbed. Is Ashley actually going to have to come up with another plan? Like really? Like, on her own? Doubtful. Dad wonders if they're going to end up in the red light district while they wander through town. And he prophesies she's going to decide he's really the kind of guy she could spend her life with. But then the most profound piece of advice she hears from the old married guy is that you shouldn't try to compete in a relationship. If this is news to her...ouch.
Shoot. That is one pretty town.
And...we're still talking about Bentley. About strong and real feelings. What we learn from the Bachelorette: Don't EVER trust your feelings. You shouldn't even have feelings. Feelings will ruin you and lead you into traitorous relationships. The Bachelorette is the murderer of feelings.
These two seem to be having a genuinely solid, productive, normal conversation. I like this boy. And not moving in at the first opportunity for the smooth-mover kiss? I like it, but with this girl, in this setting, is it actually the kiss of DEATH? (Duh-duh-duh.)
Bachelorette: Ashley, episode 4
Happy Monday! Having Michelle and Danny here the last few days made me miss having all of you here so we could watch together. But we do the best we can. So...to the show, and to the blog! Can't wait to hear from you all...
Wow...they are having a nice day in LA, or they pulled some excellent file footage. Group dates ahead, and ah, yes, the warning that you should have your bags packed in case you don't get a rose. If you don't, do you get thrown out without your stuff?
Anyway, we're off to Phuket!
Wow...they are having a nice day in LA, or they pulled some excellent file footage. Group dates ahead, and ah, yes, the warning that you should have your bags packed in case you don't get a rose. If you don't, do you get thrown out without your stuff?
Anyway, we're off to Phuket!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Episode 3 #7: The cocktail non-party
Girl, you needed to pick up Bentley's picture and smash it, instead of lay it down with a tear. Okay, Chris--here's your moment. Tell her the truth and let her get good and mad and get over him. Do it. DO IT. Well, without telling her, you're telling her. That's something, at least. The big question is whether she'll really get it.
Wait--so--William came back? I mean, it sounded like he would, and I was looking forward to seeing how that would play out, but then he's just sitting there on the sofas? Buh...okay. I can forgive--in an episode like this, there's probably lots of great stuff on the cutting room floor. This was an embarrassment of riches.
I probably won't have the patience to figure out whether a disproportionate number of the guys who got cut were at the roast, but...wouldn't surprise.
Dad: How bad does it feel to be cut on the night William stayed?
Turns out Jeff is weird with the mask and nobody without it. Terrible fix, that. But nobody held a gun to his head to make him lean on one knee and throw the thing in the fire. Once again, he only did this to himself.
WHOA! So how does she go from "I don't know if I can do this" to "Have faith in this. I KNOW this works"? Ah, the power of alcohol, fancy clothes, TV cameras, and an unlimited floral budget.
So how are we feeling now? I hope not too emotionally drained to participate.
Wait--so--William came back? I mean, it sounded like he would, and I was looking forward to seeing how that would play out, but then he's just sitting there on the sofas? Buh...okay. I can forgive--in an episode like this, there's probably lots of great stuff on the cutting room floor. This was an embarrassment of riches.
I probably won't have the patience to figure out whether a disproportionate number of the guys who got cut were at the roast, but...wouldn't surprise.
Dad: How bad does it feel to be cut on the night William stayed?
Turns out Jeff is weird with the mask and nobody without it. Terrible fix, that. But nobody held a gun to his head to make him lean on one knee and throw the thing in the fire. Once again, he only did this to himself.
WHOA! So how does she go from "I don't know if I can do this" to "Have faith in this. I KNOW this works"? Ah, the power of alcohol, fancy clothes, TV cameras, and an unlimited floral budget.
So how are we feeling now? I hope not too emotionally drained to participate.
Episode 3 #6: The post-Bentley show (JP's date)
Thank goodness the producers lit a fire for her to sit and think about what went wrong on the Bentley front. At least she's actually asking herself whether her instincts are to be trusted. PREDICTION: She won't conclude that a reality show won't give her instincts a fighting chance.
Wait--did he pack his jammie bottoms to come on this date? Or did producers scamper back to the bachelor pad and fish them out of his suitcase and run back with them just in time to get him lounging on the rug in front of the fire?
Aw. He's a way nice guy. Look how happy he is after that date. Another sucker for instant feelings, but...what's the point of fighting it?
Wait--did he pack his jammie bottoms to come on this date? Or did producers scamper back to the bachelor pad and fish them out of his suitcase and run back with them just in time to get him lounging on the rug in front of the fire?
Aw. He's a way nice guy. Look how happy he is after that date. Another sucker for instant feelings, but...what's the point of fighting it?
Episode 3 #5 The Bentley Show
Yes! Those ARE Michelle's fingers mixing in there! Doing a very noble job of transforming herself into a Good Girlfriend. Maybe she's setting herself up as the sympathetic, much-misunderstood beautiful girl we all want for the next Bachelorette! I won't stop lobbying for that. It'll only get better as she moves (further?) into her cougar years.
How long did the production crew have Ashley walk back and forth on those paving stones? How much did they pay her to go on about how ready she is to start her life with Bentley?
Aw. He misses his daughter. Cozy. Or Cuddles. Or My Parents' Toy. Or whatever it is. But not very much, because that's not why he's leaving. He's just tired of it. And all the others are idiots. And you're a...what, exactly? Whoa--wait. He's NOT looking forward to hurting her? Sounded like that was the chief goal up 'til now.
Bets please: Is he going to play the daughter card to make his escape, or go for the jugular?
Wait--the first thing he wants is a hug? And to keep hugging somebody he doesn't like? And he wants her to sit on his lap? Wow. He's doing a really awful job acting like he cares about his daughter. All the looking off to the side and the uh-um-uh. I bet he finds a kid really boring and tedious and sticky. And kids cry. And she's a girl, who cries. Unbearable. Wait--did he just fall asleep for a minute there on top of her in the corner?
He's worse than I thought. And I thought he was awful. There's an awful beyond that. But Ashley has full-on done this to herself. HOW DID SHE GET THIS ATTACHED? Object lesson for young women everywhere: Falling in love is EASY. Make sure you fall in love with the right person. And if you do it wrong and get your heart broken, you don't have to talk to yourself about it if cameras aren't rolling.
Yeah, we're setting a timer for Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow night.
Hey, JP! You lucky guy! You get to take the billion shattered little pieces on a date tonight!
How long did the production crew have Ashley walk back and forth on those paving stones? How much did they pay her to go on about how ready she is to start her life with Bentley?
Aw. He misses his daughter. Cozy. Or Cuddles. Or My Parents' Toy. Or whatever it is. But not very much, because that's not why he's leaving. He's just tired of it. And all the others are idiots. And you're a...what, exactly? Whoa--wait. He's NOT looking forward to hurting her? Sounded like that was the chief goal up 'til now.
Bets please: Is he going to play the daughter card to make his escape, or go for the jugular?
Wait--the first thing he wants is a hug? And to keep hugging somebody he doesn't like? And he wants her to sit on his lap? Wow. He's doing a really awful job acting like he cares about his daughter. All the looking off to the side and the uh-um-uh. I bet he finds a kid really boring and tedious and sticky. And kids cry. And she's a girl, who cries. Unbearable. Wait--did he just fall asleep for a minute there on top of her in the corner?
He's worse than I thought. And I thought he was awful. There's an awful beyond that. But Ashley has full-on done this to herself. HOW DID SHE GET THIS ATTACHED? Object lesson for young women everywhere: Falling in love is EASY. Make sure you fall in love with the right person. And if you do it wrong and get your heart broken, you don't have to talk to yourself about it if cameras aren't rolling.
Yeah, we're setting a timer for Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow night.
Hey, JP! You lucky guy! You get to take the billion shattered little pieces on a date tonight!
Episode 3 #4: The post-roast
I hope William is doubting himself as a comic as much as he's doubting himself as a human being. We could be getting a glimpse of why all his previous girlfriends might've been looking for something...else. A little less clueless and prone to do impressions or crack "jokes" at critical moments, perhaps. Oh, and Jeff, she doesn't care about your 3-legged dog right now. Why is it so hard for any of these dudes to see what's going on here? Ah, Ryan-perfect-solar-guy. Homerun. No surprise.
Any of those guys back at the house who didn't go on the group date will feel SOOOO lucky when the others get back.
Any of those guys back at the house who didn't go on the group date will feel SOOOO lucky when the others get back.
Episode 3 #3: The group date & sweet roast
Oh, Jeff. Such a sucker for whatever the producers want him to do. That's some real nice standing on the balcony and gazing dreamily into the distance, wondering what the view would look like if he could see the full 180. I think he can't breathe very well in that thing, which would explain why his mouth always seems to be hanging open a little. And he's been having trouble shaving, it looks like. Wait! Will he really reveal? Dad's wondering when Ashley's going to start doing Grammy's move-it-along twirly finger during his lengthy intro to removing the mask. And we've got...a guy who would've been better off going with his normal face. Though he does still have a slightly disturbing stare. I guess that wasn't the fault of the eye-holes. Oh, and he is definitely going to be HI-larious at the roast. You can tell that mask was actually hiding a big ol' goofy clown with a rockin' sense of humor. I mean--get this--he's gonna make fun of somebody's OUTFIT. Help me keep breathing!
Ryan-the-solar-exec is pure gold. He's gonna win the whole thing, for sure. Too bad he's a terrible comic.
Uh--William--who are you trying to impress? The famous comic? Uh-oh.
Ashley, have you ever seen a roast? "I'm looking forward to everything about this date"? There is NO WAY it can ever be ANYTHING but AWFUL.
...and whoa. Even sitting here months after the fact, in my living room, that was UNCOMFORTABLE.
But wait! It's going to get worse! The predator lurks! Go for the throat on the weak, bleeding little antelope! WHY IS BENTLEY DOING THIS?!?
Ryan-the-solar-exec is pure gold. He's gonna win the whole thing, for sure. Too bad he's a terrible comic.
Uh--William--who are you trying to impress? The famous comic? Uh-oh.
Ashley, have you ever seen a roast? "I'm looking forward to everything about this date"? There is NO WAY it can ever be ANYTHING but AWFUL.
...and whoa. Even sitting here months after the fact, in my living room, that was UNCOMFORTABLE.
But wait! It's going to get worse! The predator lurks! Go for the throat on the weak, bleeding little antelope! WHY IS BENTLEY DOING THIS?!?
Episode 3 #2: Ben C's date
Ew! Lookit how Ashley drives! Old lady driver--all up close and hugging the steering wheel. Maybe that's just when happens when you're the size of a child. Not her fault.
Hey Cheryl--recognize where they are? Americana Mall in Glendale? Where we shopped? At H&M? Where it was raining? See how much better it looks in the sunshine? Maybe we'll go back sometime. Don't assume another flash mob is going to show up, though.
...and he's in love. Just like that. It's SO easy!
And during the concert, who's the dude standing behind them in the major fur hat with the earflaps? What is it, maybe 68? California softies.
And as a way to kick off dinner, the no-pressure I've-been-looking-for-everlasting-love-my-whole-life warmup. So this is the one? The guy who thinks like a girl? Did he used to design wedding tuxes when he was a little boy? Too sweet. Way to put it all on the line. Straight up. Dude knows how to play the game. Take that, Bentley.
Hey Cheryl--recognize where they are? Americana Mall in Glendale? Where we shopped? At H&M? Where it was raining? See how much better it looks in the sunshine? Maybe we'll go back sometime. Don't assume another flash mob is going to show up, though.
...and he's in love. Just like that. It's SO easy!
And during the concert, who's the dude standing behind them in the major fur hat with the earflaps? What is it, maybe 68? California softies.
And as a way to kick off dinner, the no-pressure I've-been-looking-for-everlasting-love-my-whole-life warmup. So this is the one? The guy who thinks like a girl? Did he used to design wedding tuxes when he was a little boy? Too sweet. Way to put it all on the line. Straight up. Dude knows how to play the game. Take that, Bentley.
Bachelorette--Ashley, episode 3: Roasted!
Welcome ladies, to another Monday night. I have high hopes, based on the previews. What could be better than having one's insecurities hauled out, aired in public, and ridiculed! I may have a hard time not feeling genuinely sorry for her. But I shall steel myself. We have a duty, here. To the date!
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