Emily #10ish...the aftermath

On the night of the actual finale my local TV was running the memorial for the victims of the Aurora movie theater shooting. Kinda puts things into perspective. With the unscheduled delay, my DVR caught the first half of the show, getting me through the Arie farewell and up to Jef getting ready to propose. Good enough. Congratulations on, what, two or three months of happiness? By now, Emily & Jef are unofficially broken up, official declaration to follow. Apparently Courtney and Ben are recently broken up as well. Ali and Roberto, also done. The only loose end left is what's-her-anorexic-hand-talker and bald-nice-guy-from-New-York. Ashley! and...I want to say something like Jon. (This is how profoundly I care about these people.)

But of course I'll be tuning in for the next really entertaining train headed for a wreck. The victim at the front of the train? Sean Lowe, the blonde beefcake. Let's just hope they don't cast any of Emily's friends from the park. See you in January!

Emily #9: Isn't "men tell all" an oxymoron?

Need any more proof that The Bachelor/ette is nothing like the real world? I think the real reason we tune in to this episode is because we're so intrigued with the novelty of a big group of men sitting around talking about their feelings, dwelling on the past, re-examining things they did or said...Good luck coming up with just one example of another time or place where you'd see THAT happen.

But clearly, these producers are not idiots, and they knew full well that they could NEVER fill two hours with that, so we got a good long journey down memory lane with Emily first, then previewed Bachelor Pad, and only then talked to the men for as long as possible. (And then they still had to fill with a good long preview of next week.) But I don't mind, because I've really grown to like Emily. Boring Barbie no more. Sistah's a little salty, it turns out. And Bachelor Pad looks like another grisly, can't-look-away train wreck.

Figure 9.1: The dangers of knowing you're pretty

I do appreciate how much more direct the men are in saying what they think of each other than the women are in their version. I guess the trouble is women have SO much invested in being liked by everybody that when a woman confronts another everything turns straight vicious. The men manage to do it without all the snottiness.

In a show as weird as this, it's surprising what an accurate read we can get on people. Kalon edited = Kalon live. Nope, producers didn't make that Narcissus up out of little snippets from the cutting room floor. He is what he is (see Figure 9.1). Emily, when she got there, handled THAT piece of work just fine on her own, thank you very much. In a surprising twist, Ryan edited = well, Ryan live. No shortage of sweet self-lovin' there, either. With a wink thrown in for good measure. And Chris edited has just as thin a skin as Chris live. (So sorry he decided to do Bachelor Pad. Can you think of a worse environment for somebody who just needs to find a sweet, gentle, goodhearted girl who thinks he hung the moon?) Sean, of course, is still first quality. No faking that.

So...who's it gonna be? Chemistry usually wins, which tilts the scale toward Arie. But with a single mom, we've got a wild card. Maybe the pull toward the nice boy (with the nicer family) is a little stronger. Jef gets my vote, but of course, I'm not picking. Hmmm...

Emily #8: Kinda boring, until it hurts like no other

An episode for men! After all these weeks of bundling up in chilly places, it's bikini time! And for the girls, especially Emily's cougar friends, it's Sean-without-a-shirt time! (In board shorts, ladies. Calm down. Heavens--we're not Europeans, you know.)

Sean's date: Is he at all worried that he's going on a private-island date just like she had with Jake the last time around? And as I recall, conversation seemed kinda awkward on that date, too. So hard to watch him struggle with saying those scary, scary words that no one should ever have to say to someone who's contractually obliged to not say them back and is actively involved with two other people. This is such a weird show.

Jef's date: Sweet sloop. But poor Jef has the worst hair to take outside on a windy day. Huh--it's pretty much the same after it gets wet. Have they ever shown us Emily's hair wet? Seriously great beading on her dinner dress, though. (I think I'll keep my commentary entirely on how things look through this date.) Will they ever show us somebody trying to use that skeleton key in a hotel door? Oop--she just called him Honey. There goes my Sean-only theory. And that's as close as I can get to something else to talk about. Really, these dates are very orderly and well behaved and kind and nice and good. Not much to say.

Arie's date: Who doesn't look awesome with a mask and snorkel? Nobody. Okay, everybody. Though if you're Emily or Arie, your chances of not horrifying the person you're with are slightly lower than those of the general population. And goodness knows the trained, fenced-in "open water" dolphins don't care either way. They just want their lives back. But lucky for the young lovers, it's another full moon night! Wow--they've had one EVERY night in Curacao! What an amazing climate they must have!

And deserving its own line: Super-props to Emily on how she's conducted herself with the whole bizarre fantasy suite issue. And plus-plus props on how she handled the issue with Arie. Well done, girl.

The choice: Of course it's hard. Who in their right mind WOULDN'T want to keep dating three guys (all easy on the eyes and apparently compatible) who all profess their love for you and escort you on dream dates that are paid for by sponsors? Wait--there are video messages?!? That's going to solve it for sure. Sheesh. I'd hate to think my chances were shot because I'm awkward at video messages. (Everybody equally uncomfortable with someone at a party telling you to look in a camera and say something to somebody who's not there? No? Oh. Just me.) I'm genuinely sorry for whoever goes home tonight. These are three class-act guys who don't belong on reality TV and one of them is definitely going to suffer. I refuse to feel sorry for people who sign up to do this, but shoot. I'm gonna have to break my rule. I like every one of these guys. Ah, Sean. The "you're so perfect" problem from last week came back to bite--she didn't crack through the perfect shell in time. If they'd only had a little longer...good luck, Sean. I'd like to say you'll do well, but you're going to have a lot of trashy chicks flocking around you, and finding somebody real is going to be a challenge. Shucks.

Emily #7: Hometowns can't be perfect for EVERYone

Nice of them to give us a summary at the beginning that requires no commentary whatsoever. Simple: We have four guys. Emily is going to go to their homes and make families say to themselves "Wow. I had no idea our boy could do THAT well!" And then she's going to come back and dump one of them. To the dates!

Chicago Chris: Viva Polska! Okay, knowing that he's a Polish guy definitely makes me see him as better looking than I've thought before now. In Poland, there are a zillion girls who would make you not look twice at Emily. And they're all on the arms of guys who look like Chris's little brother who was locked in a closet, yelled at, and not fed very much. Given the gene pool, Chris definitely sucked all the good material out. With a straw. And then flossed and got regular followup dental care. Poor Chris. I fear his family's concern about him ending heartbroken is going to be justified. And P.S., why couldn't I have had a fun ethnic family that throws costumed folk dance parties when they get together?

St. George Jef: Or should it be St. George Geoff? Or St. Jorge Jef? At any rate, it appears to be St. Rich Jef. This ranch is quite something. River property in the desert? You don't get that by accident. Turns out the hipster is a country boy at heart. This is going to sell well with Emily. (BTW, is one of those Utah fires Jef's fault? Blasting stuff in a canyon somewhere?) And while he's telling her that she looks great, is he secretly thinking that he knows his Mormon family would wish she was wearing a little shrug over that super-great little pleated spaghetti strap dress? Good news: It went well. I'm oddly rooting for this long shot. C'mon, Emily. Can't you see li'l Ricki playing tag under the cottonwoods with the rest of these little girls?

Arizona Arie: Ever since I confirmed that Arie is Arie Luyendyk Jr. I've wondered whether a weeee little bit of her attraction to him is a celebrity crush. Crossed with thinking it's a sign that he's a race car driver just like Ricky I. Not that he isn't great. Super-great. But...those things have gotta be in there, too, right? But as great as he is as an individual, there's always The Family. Are we all appalled at these people speaking Dutch in front of her? And is Emily at all put off to look at Arie's mom and think "In another 30 years, 300 tans, and 5 surgeries, I will look EXACTLY like that"?

Texas Sean: Or Shexas Tawn. Shoot. Of course we had to have a curve-breaker whose name doesn't match the place he's from. All her talk about him being perfect and having a perfect life and perfect family and all makes it sound as if she hasn't cracked the surface yet on him, so she clearly hasn't caught on to the name/place disconnect. And Surprise! His family lives in a McMansion. In Dallas. Of all the...perfectly predictable perfect things. BUT NO!!! Could it be? He not only lives at home, he's living there LIKE A TEN-YEAR OLD? Psych! Super-funny joke. Note: He's the only one she uses a pet name for (Honey), and that she said she HAD missed and WOULD miss. Significant? You decide.

Hollywood Humiliation: Nothing quite like getting dumped on national television after declaring your unlimited love on same said medium. Repeatedly. This'll take some time to heal for a sensitive guy. Good thing Chris has that big dancing family to comfort him. Pierogi won't do it alone. And would someone please tell me where they're headed next week? My recording cut off before the previews.

Emily #6: Prague, city of feelings

We're off to Prague! Well, Emily is off to Prague, with the boys. "We" doesn't actually include me. <sigh> Still bucking for that producer job...

Travel note: It seems the main square in Prague is pretty well thronging even in the off season. Which is good because Arie's about to get busted for "briefly" dating a producer "many years" ago, and the bigger the crowd, the better. (Will someone please explain to me the size of the Bachelor/ette world where people all seem to know each other and have dating experience with each other?) Okay, here it comes...she's gonna bust him...any second now... What? Now it's evening and they've already talked about it? This is a very weird segment, with the producer interview, the skips to Chris in L.A., the great big glaring hole in the middle of the date...bizarre. Press-driven last-minute re-edits, I guess.

John's date is mathematically doomed from the start. Too-late first date. Can't ever catch up.

Sean is seriously going to hunt through Prague for wherever Emily is? Impressive. Finding her? More impressive. I see her lipstick is in pretty good shape for having just come from a date with a guy who thinks his date couldn't have gone better. Methinks it could've. Or I need to know where she buys her  lipstick.

To the group date! Is Doug going to be the dad everywhere? There he is, in the carriage, sitting by himself holding an umbrella over the others. Thanks, Dad. Plus Chris all seething over not having a solo date...two out of three on this date are hanging on by their fingernails. And one just slipped. Buh-bye, Doug. Next? Chris's crazy, ragged, gnawed-to-the-bone, self-destroyed nails. Just me, or is she looking pretty stiff during that kiss? Uh, nope. Not just me. Congratulations on that rose, Sean.

Jef's date: That puppet show is simultaneously super awkward and super sweet. In a weird and surprising way, I can honestly see those two working out. Emily seems different around him. There's...a sparkle.

The non-cocktail non-party: Ironic, because this is one where alcohol would've been a mercy. Maybe John will make up for it in the hotel bar before he ships out.

Emily #5: Dubrovnik!

I can't write. I'm just going to stare at one of my favorite places ever. Travis, schmavis. He's just the nicest guy with the best attitude, but if you don't have a solo date one of the first four weeks, you're toast (see Alesandro. Clock's ticking for John, too). Pay attention to that city instead. Cats, check. Pigeons, check. Tile roofs, limestone and marble everywhere, check.

And for the group date...movie placement in...Scotland?!? Wha? We came all the way to Croatia for this? (plus, I've seen previews for Brave, and it looks better than stuff that usually ends up in the Survivor Theater--see Jack and Jill, Gulliver.) And now they're stuck doing Highland games in Croatia. Croatia deserves better. Kilts? Brogues? Ugh.

Ah, back to Dubrovnik for the evening. BTW, that street really does glow at night. Actual marble. Not a Hollywood lighting effect.

Some questions: Whatta ya say--Arie and Sean, final two? And what's it like in the holding tank for all the other guys while she goes on half-hour walks with each one? Is she getting tired of walking? How much lip gloss does she go through in one night? Do we need to add makeup touchup time to each of the half-hour outings before she goes out on the next one?


Now to Ryan's date and the pressing question: Has Emily given him enough rope to hang himself in one outing? Yes! That was one sweet self-lovin' monologue while he was getting ready. And I love the way he keeps talking about what HE wants from a partner through the date. Good spot, Emily. I think it would've been time for the guys to start questioning whether they want to be with YOU if you'd given this sleeze a rose. Love the reaction back at the house when his bag gets picked up. He's so narcissistic he didn't even read the GUYS right ("I've got some great relationships there. We'll hang out when this is over." I don't think you'll want to after you see what they've been saying about you.)

Another question: How much food gets wasted on these dates where no one eats? And one more: How do they manage the program schedule when she's kicking extra guys out (see Kalon's eviction last week) or sending both solo date candidates home in one night? Wait! We have an answer for that one! Hold a mercy rose ceremony where no one goes home. Simple!

Emily #4: Laughs in London

Sorry I'm late. On vacation. Not to London, but I think I had more fun than a lot of the dudes that were there.

First date: The much-ogled Sean the Blonde. We'll see whether brassy British women will grab at  him the same way those demure southern belles did. Did anybody notice than when Emily pointed out Westminster Abbey, it was not as the place where William & Kate just barely got married--apparently happily--but where Charles and Diana began the world's most publicly failed marriage, like, before she was born? FORESHADOWING! I'm curious--what exactly happened on the afternoon portion of the date that made her lose her voice by evening? Perhaps lots of conversation that didn't make the editorial cut, because it was, you know, ordinary and real and not about Feelings and What We Think About Each Other. Rose, check. I like Sean, even beyond the sympathy points he earned at the hands of Emily's "friends."

Group date: Kalon is such a pompous prig. "The other guys were joking around, but I was taking it seriously." "I was born to play this role." Still digesting that one. Arie, on the other hand, is born to play the role of A Good Sport and is doing it well. As is Travis. (Ooo--seriously splotchy spray-tan on Emily's confessional interviews. Apparently not as common of a procedure in an overcast country.) Love the way Kalon overpompouses himself by shooing Emily away during rehearsal. And the way Arie the Frightened comes through in the clutch.

And finally, Kalon flies his freak flag in front of witnesses, leading to Emily's QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "I wanna go West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on him." This is vocabulary I do not know. And I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with her blaming the guys for not telling her about that freak flag. DID YOU NOT SEE IT YOURSELF? Like, when he told you to stop talking so he could finish? Like, when he was being so weird during Shakespeare? I don't believe it's unreasonable for guys to think that tattling on other guys might not be well received. And BTW, girlfriend, Doug DID tell you as soon as he heard about it.

Jef's date: (Man, that looks weird in type.) Teatime! A digression: I just had my first cucumber tea sandwiches a couple of weeks ago (on white bread, buttered) and I could eat them by the fistful. Which is not considered finest form. Off to fish and chips! Which I could also eat a lot of. Oh--the date. Jef's looking later in his teens tonight. Maybe pushing twenty. Good for him. Now what's for dessert? Parfaits! Raspberry, it seems. With Creme Anglais? And a cookie wafer? Oh--oops. Right. The date. Such a nice little boy. He'd make a good buddy for Ricki. But she had to kind of make this date work, right? They're stuck in the London Eye. If she says we're through, they gotta sit there looking silently out the window for...who knows. More parfaits for everyone!

Insecurity Cocktail Party: Enough already. Kalon was a skeeze and you knew it. He's gone. Move on. Now the only question that remains is which of the low-camera-time faces is going home. And the winner is...no-camera-time Alejandro. But on to better news...we're off to DUBROVNIK!

Emily #3: Bermuda Bums

Mmmm...Bermuda. So beautiful, so close, so expensive, so overbuilt. Those things are all connected, right? Shoot. I'm still trying to figure out how to get that job as a Bachelor/ette producer, flying around scouting all these luxury locations.

SingleDadDoug's date: I actually liked their dinner conversation, where Emily poked at a shell she thought was there, and then realized she'd been going about things wrong. Pretty evolved. But then that whole awkward staring business while he refused to give her a kiss...he might not get too far after all.

BTW--all this worry about who's on the two-on-one date? I think the ones who aren't on the two-on-one need to acknowledge that Emily isn't even quite sure who you are.


Miscellaneous Men date: Always gotta feel for the half squad that goes home after a competition. Especially when one of them cries. And for poor Jef-with-one-F, who, even though he was on the winning team, looks and sounds like a 14-year-old. Apparently, though, Emily wants kisses from everybody, and most of the men are afraid to do it. Including (surpirse!) the 14-year-old. Next: Ryan the sports trainer continues to be a tool. Next: Jef rocks the pity-rose on the hoodie.

The two-on-one, who-are-you-again date: My advance pick is for the "data destruction specialist" to go home. Take an accountant over a guy that drives the shredder truck any day. But at dinner...no, Emily, it isn't the rose that's making the evening awkward. Math is the problem. As it usually is. And see how it can hurt you in the end? I had a 1-out-of-2 choice and was wrong. Dumb numbers.

The cocktail party: Love the ominous stalker music while Arie is approaching Ryan's EmTime. Arie didn't need to bust in, though. Ryan's self-lovin' sleeze factor is plenty high enough for Emily to pick it up on her own. And did he seriously say all that stuff WITH CAMERAS ROLLING? "I'm meant for bigger things." "I'm a catch." "If I was the bachelor, I'd open up my heart so there'd be heat for everybody to see." Casting this one was easy. But then...oh, Chris, with the age insecurity. Can't let it go, and is therefore PROVING himself to be immature. You can't make this stuff up.

NEW THING: I like the extended "what are you thinking" time with Chris. Hope that continues. This is meant to suggest she's keeping Ryan around just to play him like a fish on a line. Is this where I start liking Emily more? Add to that the mercy cut of Head Wound Charlie and Emily scored some points. You go, girl.

Emily 1-2: catchup

I had a hard time stirring myself to blog again. Been having fine conversations with friends as the first couple of episodes started, textersations with the daughters...and doing the blog requires that I actually sit while I'm watching. So hard. But we've had some great conversations for sure, so...maybe it's time to get some of it in print.

So, a few observations from the first two episodes, then I'll forge on ahead with Episode 3:

1. Emily is Boring Barbie. My DIL Michelle would strenuously argue. Please do. I just really want a funny bachelorette. I do like the way she's being pretty quick on the take when somebody says something stupid. Makes me think there might be more there than you'd think. A tiny bit more. I have a policy of assuming that anyone who goes on the Bachelor/Bachelorette is labeling him- or herself an idiot out of the gate, but I'm open to seeing something more emerge as the show goes on.

2. Boring Barbie has been told she's beautiful so many times she doesn't even hear it anymore. Wow,  you're stunning. You're gorgeous. You're so beautiful. My goodness, you look amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I'm sorry--did you just say something?

3. Boring Barbie is NOT living the life of an "ordinary single mom." 95% of single moms would never complain about the lack of a man in their lives again if they could just be full-time moms in a tricked-out suburban mini-mansion, baking cookies for the soccer team, driving an Escalade (never know how much stuff mini-Barbie might need to tote around with her to playdates or American Girl parties). An unknown percentage of married women would consider knocking their husbands off for it.

4. Turning all those children loose at the park and commanding them and the grown men to play with each other might've been the creepiest thing I've ever seen on this creepy show. If one of them had said, "I'm sorry, this makes me really uncomfortable," he should've gotten a straight pass to the final three.

5. The dude who stepped in it so bad at the park by saying he wouldn't "love on you as much" if Emily got fat might be a pig, but surely isn't a surprise. Girl has fake hair, fake teeth, fake boobs, fake tan, fake lips, fake lashes...and then she acts offended if she attracts the kind of man who's into that stuff?

6. Head Wound Charlie is just as sweet and good and cute as can be, but what woman is going to choose, out of a pool of healthy hot thangs, a man who's going to be dealing with brain injury issues for the rest of his life? They need a mercy rule for things like this.

7. Did you see Emily's bathroom makeup station/suite/compound?

About all I can think of right now. Please fill in what I forgot...

BatchBen: After the Final Rose

Ethical question: Does commitment meant that you stick with somebody through a horrible mess of her own making? Do you stick with somebody when they do something embarrassing? One would hope so. Do you stick with somebody when they turn up at the top of a Ponzi scheme? One would hope not. So I'm thinking the line is somewhere in between. I have to hope, though, that my line would be short of behavior that reveals dreadful character.

What was the chain of possession that got the ring into Chris's hands? And I'm sorry, but it's just as ludicrous to me the second time to have Ben offer a ring he didn't pay for.

Now to happier couples, and the really big news: Ashley finished school!

And that's how it ends. Now we wait for May and...Emily. The season promoted tonight as "Li'l Ricki Calls the Ball." The Bachelorette for Children. Or How to Really Mess Up a Kid in the Name of Putting the Kid First. Let's all hope I'm wrong.

BatchBen #11: So predictable

"My sister generally doesn't approve of the women I date."

Do we really need anything else? History and future are one. I just wish they included the family in the After the Final Rose show. I would LOVE to hear what mom and sister had to say after seeing the whole season play out. Actually, I'd like to just skip to THAT show right now--the scenery is the only thing keeping me tuned in to this one right now. Well, and the fact that it's still an hour and a half in the future. (The Women Tell All episode is still sitting on my DVR. I didn't figure it mattered for watching this one.)

I was wishing Lindzi would run right past Ben and nuzzle the horses at the beginning of their carriage-ride date. She shoulda. They'd be better company, in the long term. It's really uncomfortable to watch her "put herself out there" when we know (a) he's going to pick Courtney and (b) how little worth it he is.

On Courtney's date, I observed that Disneyland did a really good job with the Matterhorn. That's about it. I was busy deleting cookies (from my browsing history, not from my kitchen).

Do you get the sense these last dates are all about the girls trying to earn as many vulnerability points as possible?

Quote of the night, from (of course) Courtney: "He brings out the best in me." Digest that. Thoroughly. Now picture what happens when somebody brings out her worst.

Classy, Lindzi. That finish was impressive. She's gonna do great things, far better than she would've hooked to that anchor. Future's so bright, you gotta wear shades.

And then there was (yawn) Courtney. Standing with Ben among the clumps of fake snow. Fake, fake, fake, and...hey! Look! It's time for the show I really wanted to see!

BatchBen #9: Yodel this

Ben's biggest fear? That he'll get it wrong. Oh, honey. You already have. But that's the easy joke. Actually, doesn't everyone want a good match? And if the definition of a good match is someone who's like you, well, Ben, meet Courtney. (And that "unexplainable chemistry" you're describing, yeah, that's a naked girl throwing herself at you.) Actually, Jill's wish is for the final two to be Nicki and Courtney, and he picks Nicki (for maximum Courtney humiliation) and then Nicki dumps him. I must say, there would be a certain sweet justice there.

Nicki's date: These Bachelor producers have the best job in the world. Who got to scout the helicopter ride and the picnic location in the Swiss Alps? (And with that pinnacle overlook, how did the helicopter land on a spot that was hardly big enough for the two of them to stand on?) I like Nicki. She was one of my initial top three for being classy right out of the limo, which automatically makes her a YCDB. And automatically makes me wish that she'll say no to an overnight with a guy who's going to ask another girl the same thing tomorrow night. But girls everywhere need to learn the lesson of The Bachelor: If you don't want to lose your guy, give him anything he wants.

Linzi's date: Remember, dirt is her makeup! What could be a more perfect date than extreme outdoor sports? Wait--or...is she hiding a wee little princess inside? No, no room for a princess. Too many relationship cliches bottled up in there! "You need to overcome your fear of getting hurt," "Stepping off a ledge is a lot like stepping into a relationship," "You have to be there for each other, just like stepping off a cliff." And best I could tell, they were being lowered. No rappelling. Just sitting there. And...fail #2 at the overnight invite. And...can we stop saying "vulnerable"? When she's lying back on the pillows with her dress up to her waist, hearing the dude involved describe her as "the most vulnerable I've ever seen her" is downright disturbing.

Courtney's date: Again, who got to scout the villages and picnic sites for this date? HOW DO I GET THAT JOB? On the picnic, though, I'm not understanding where Ben came up with this sudden concern about Courtney and the girls. What's happened between him giving her the last rose and then meeting her for this date? He found his better nature? Wait--no. Of course not. All he wanted to hear to explain away displays of poor character was "I'm sorry." Well, you got it. And a little something on the side. I wonder how he'll feel about that when she does something cruel and selfish and tells him, "Well, I SAID I'm sorry!"

The Emily interlude: I'm guessing they picked these three "girlfriends" before Allie broke up with Roberto. Mighty small pool of Bachelor success story girls to put together. And my feeling about that season remains...poor li'l Rickie.

The Kacie interlude: Ding-ding-ding! His answer to why he let her go: We come from "different worlds." Code for: "standards that make me uncomfortable." And he doesn't get what she's saying about Courtney. Of course.

The rose ceremony: Nice show of having wrestled with the decision. Did anyone ever really believe it? Sorry, Nicki. He didn't get what you said about Courtney, either. Or what five or six other people said about her. Or what she said about herself. Sure, life is like a box of chocolates, but when enough people are telling you the same thing about what's inside the pretty dark one with the extra-shiny icing...believe them.

BatchBen #8: Hometown dates

I heard ahead of time how this one turned out, and I'm so disgusted with Ben I'm mailing it in from here. I hope he ends up with Courtney. They deserve each other. I think this season of the Bachelor is a case study in how television can turn a good guy into a tool.

First, a couple of observations: a) Why all the fuss when the girl comes into the family home? She's been there for DAYS. b) Is all that food people aren't eating during the dinners nobody wants that drag on for hours in front of the camera going to feed hungry children somewhere?

Anyway, first up, Lindzi: I like a girl who names her horse Devin. Maurice and Clint would've also been acceptable. Lindzi, you can do better. Much. I must say, though, this date is making me think better of Florida. Nice spot.

Next, Kacie: Why are they still calling her Kacie B.? I think we're pretty clear on which Kacie we're dealing with. I love that swing coat of hers. Of course, I love her, so...that helps the coat. Her folks sure came across as a stiff pair at first. How did Suzie Sparkles come out of those two? But then I heard them being actually rational and serious about this whole thing...a voice of sanity! Girl, they may have just saved you! Go home to your good family and be grateful. Also be grateful they've already cast the next Bachelorette and you don't have to go down the same toilet Ben just did.

Now, Nicki: Ben's hair under a cowboy hat is ridiculous. It definitely says "I'm a Sonoma toff in a costume!" After that, I confess I kinda checked out of the rest of this date. Whatever.

And the one they saved for last, Courtney, who says she "isn't proud" of everything she's done to get here. That the reason for her previous man problems isn't obvious to her is a sign of serious mental and social retardation. Wise mother (who also does affected things with her lips when she talks) doesn't think Courtney could actually be in love [translation: because she knows her]. Courtney is preening and touching her hair less here. Interpretations, please? Is that a competitive gesture she doesn't need when there aren't other girls around? Ironic that she admires that he has "no hidden agenda." I guess we're supposed to attach ourselves to people who make us better, so, good luck with that, girl.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Ben, you're an idiot. Kacie would've made you a better man. So choose Courtney. Be miserable. Break up on the front pages of Us Weekly. Be a laughingstock. Go on, now. (And Kacie, you're the classiest thing we've seen on this show.)

BatchBen #7: Group date--start with a good shave

Alert! Date metaphor! You have to "dive in" and "conquer your fears." Good grief. If you were with a girls' getaway group and you decided to "conquer your fears" for once in your almighty life, would you feel like you'd learned profound things about your relationships with them just because they were on the same boat with you?

How long is Ben going to call Kacie "Kacie B"?

FINALLY we find women who have figured out that they have power in numbers and that if there's a Bad Girl in the batch they need to say something TOGETHER.

And straight to the elimination round. How much did Courtney drink before the cocktail party started? That pina colada she was schmoozing over wasn't her first, I do believe. More important, how much has Ben been drinking all along? WHAT RESPECTABLE MAN WANTS SOMEBODY WHO BABYTALKS AND PREENS EVERY SECOND? Thus we see. Not a respectable man.

BatchBen #7: Courtney's date

I need, I need, I need...quite a list she's generating there before the date. If Ben knew that he might not be saying "I could spend the rest of my life with her." No you couldn't. You could sure pick her at the end, but there's no way on earth anyone could spend a lifetime with her.

Courtney's wondering about whether she can introduce him to her folks, which makes me suddenly wonder...she has folks? I guess I just assumed she was spawned. She doesn't want to dump a bunch of stuff on him, but "I need to."

Wait! Date metaphor! Every step on the pyramid is like a step in the relationship. Awesome. Especially when you take it all the way and appreciate that going back down is a nightmare.

Does anyone over the age of 14 handle her own hair as much as Courtney does?

Hah! Did you notice her saying "I have a lot of guy friends"? Dude, that's a red flag:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/282330/saturday-night-live-red-flag

Batch Ben #7: Emily's date

Forget Ben & Emily. I just want their day on Caye Caulker, strolling around town barefoot on the sugar sand, jumping in the water and diving for lobster. Especially as I sit here with a blanket on my lap in mid-February.

Emily loves that he's "so spontaneous." Funny quality to pick out, when absolutely everything is arranged for on this show. Who can know how spontaneous he'd be when it's up to him alone to arrange and pay for everything?

BatchBen #7: First up--Lindzi's deyt

Yn onnyr uv Lindzi's deyt Aym goyne tu myspehl evrethyng. Wyth lahts uv thuh Ys shi neyds.

Exhausting. Anyway, decent digs in Belize. I think the Bachelor producers need to apply their talents to a travel show.

Estimates, please, on the degree of Lindzi's wedgie from the helicopter jump. And if we're going to use the date activity as a metaphor (if? if?), then do leaps of faith give you wedgies, too? If so, where? She's actually growing on me to the I-think-she-could-do-better degree. And I think Ben likes her easy, can-do, happy attitude, which earns him a smidge of credit.

BatchBen #6: Exploitively manipulated?

Did Kacie S. have any idea what happened by the time Chris shut the limo door on her? It seems like she got talked into realizing she was still in love with her ex, then talked into the idea that she really wants to be with him, then talked into thinking her feelings were getting in the way of the current relationship, then...blah blah, and you belong at home. No cocktail party for you.

Whoa! Talk about your mood swings! Last we saw Courtney, she was in a deep depression over Ben not coming to her room; now she feels "pretty awesome" about tonight.

Are we all REALLY uncomfortable during the Jamie kissing scene? Could this possibly be going any worse? She showed better instincts about her prospects: "I think he's done with me." The saddest part? "I've never known anyone like Ben before." Oh, come on. I think tonight he's amply proved that he's just your average lowdown dirty dog.

BatchBen #6: Exceptionally tense double date!

So it turns out that salsa dresses are really just kinda bulky on the bottom.

What else is there to say? This was only ever going to be really uncomfortable and tacky. And Blakely's stalker scrapbook isn't helping. Though it looks like the little kitty in the street was super-sad to see her go.

BatchBen #6: Explorationally annoying--the group date

Can't blame Ben for that. I'm the one who made that one up.

Is everyone done thinking well of Ben? I think he's keeping Courtney around just for the ogling. Nothing serious in his head there AT ALL. But as long as she keeps taking her clothes off, she stays. I'm sure his future final choice won't mind that at all. For her part, Courtney continues to prove my assessment from last week: she's too in love with herself for anybody else to ever reach that level of devotion. Thank you, Bachelor producers, for scoring in evil music whenever Courtney walks through the shot. Shame on you, Ben, for not getting up and walking away when Courtney put on her bikini pose show right behind a conversation with another woman. Perhaps the best way for anyone to get to know a man is to throw him into a houseful of women and see what happens.

Courtney, do you SERIOUSLY not know why men are so into you at the beginning and then seem to fade away? Tip: DON'T GIVE IT AWAY. And you'd seem a lot savvier about men if you didn't scorn women who actually understand that.

BatchBen #6: "Expotentially more important"

That's from Ben, upon his arrival in Panama. I think it's a cross between "exponential," as in "really a lot," and "potential," as in "who's gonna gimme some"? Kacie B., apparently, is one he believes has "potential."

To the deserted island! But...do these people not understand the word "alone"? If you're with a camera and sound crew on an otherwise deserted island, how are you "alone"? And I didn't realize that there are so many important relationship symbols could be found in playing around with coconuts and fishnets.

BatchBen #5: The cocktail party

Oh, my, Blakely. Did you hear the casino bells ringing up massive points when she was telling Ben about all the stuff she liked and admired about him? Take that, Courtney. Way to hit when he's already feeling guilty about all that. Of course, Ben found it amazing that Blakely was "so honest" when she was praising him up.

Emily!!! You're CRACKED! You're a Ph.D. candidate, and you don't notice that it's kooky to say you're not going to talk about Courtney and then...talk about Courtney? How does she stay? Maybe it's because he's pretty sure she's right about Courtney. And the teasers for later in the season intrigue.

Poor Jennifer. Got a solo date, thought things went well, had to endure the camera shot of bare thighs sitting against a strap, and after all that she ends up hiccup-crying on national TV. Unfair.

No time to write more! I've just learned I have to check out "Diaries of the Departed" online!

BatchBen #5: Goodbye Elyse and hello Courtney!

I've been having trouble getting around the way Elyse reminds me of a really brassy Lebanese woman from the Next Food Network Star. ("Mediterranean Mama," she called herself.) But it looks like I won't have to. Did you pick up all of Ben's uncomfortable hair-tugging and squirming at dinner? Maybe he saw Next Food Network Star, too.

So the porter doesn't have to knock when he walks into a room full of women? I guess the presence of the cameramen establishes an open-door policy. And I don't disagree with Courtney's "Jersey shore" comment, but sheesh--don't say it.

Ah, the skinny dipping. I think the point at which Ben was explaining himself by saying "I don't know" was probably when Jill sent the text saying "I hate Ben." The followup of "I was thinking this probably wasn't a good idea but..." didn't help, either.

Did you notice her saying how great it was to be on the beach with "nobody around"? THEN WHY CAN WE SEE IT? Oh, wait--the camera crew. That's right.

BatchBen #5: Beisbol! And yachting

...con Los Gigantes! Things I learned during the game:
1. Ben serves up meatballs. 10-9? Seriously?
2. Be careful chest-bumping with Blakely--you could get bounced back onto the dirt in a flash.

And after:
3. Does the Wardrobe Transport Specialist get a line in the credits? Whoever gets all the girls' chosen outfits to show up wherever they are, including shoes, accessories, earrings, makeup...well done.
4. Courtney really thinks the world of herself. Maybe that's why she's still single: nobody else could ever think as much of her as she does of herself, and she can't BEAR to be underappreciated.

BatchBen #5: Nicki's date

Viequez! I have the t-shirt. Bought it there. Back when you still had to schedule beach trips around live ammunition military exercises. Of course, I bought it for my 10-year-old son and then stole it when he outgrew it and by now it's picked up some funky colors, but still. Good for running. But...wait...the first date is in San Juan? You're on this spectacular island and the first thing you do is leave it? The rain is punishment for the disrespect.

Nicky was one of my first faves. She had on a classy dress for the opening cocktail party and didn't introduce herself with a stupid line. Glad to see things are going well, but walking around San Juan I'm picking up zero chemistry, despite the way he's saying things are going so well.

Meanwhile, back in the house...ouch. Blakely got some sun.

BatchBen #4: Courtney's all-about-me cocktail party

Emily's roots look great. But that confidence-booster is not keeping her from falling into the inter-girl obsession trap. Clearly, as a Ph.D. student, she's never actually watched the show, or she'd know that the one who tries to expose the Bad Girl ALWAYS goes down first. Especially when the Bad Girl is already holding a rose. And it looks like she's going to keep it going next week! Oh, sheesh.

Let's play Three of These Things Belong Together! Consider the following quotes, from the same person: "I'm a nice person. Don't **** with me. I don't start fights, I finish them. Once you're on my **** list, it's hard to get off." First class, Courtney. You do know this is television, right?

Too bad about Monica. Roses went to a lot of girls whose names I don't know, and she seemed like a pretty straight-up solid gal. Best to ya. You can build a better relationship than this.

Really, I can't imagine what there is for anyone to comment on. Pretty blah episode. But next week, Viequez! I really don't care what they do--I'm ready to go back!

BatchBen #4: Jennifer's less-boring-than-it-looked date

Do I like Jennifer or want to slap her for wearing a seriously frumpy sweater on this one-shot-only solo date? Is this how she dresses to impress? Props, though, for being willing to be filmed with all her weight on a strap cutting across the backs of her thighs. If any such film existed of me, I would observe no limits in finding and destroying it.

Sidenote: Did not know there were professional salon highlight materials available to the participants, in a sufficient range of colors to allow anyone to find what they need for bathroom root touch-ups.

Ben's telling me there's a lot more going on with Jennifer than the camera is catching. The date is looking pretty boring from here on the sofa.

BatchBen #4: The group date

When your prince rides up on a horse, make sure he's not holding onto the saddle horn. Bad form, Ben. You could've practiced a little more.

And fly fishing...bad group date. A lot of women strung out 20' away from each other along a river, not interacting with each other, not able to move around much, all wearing big baggy waders... Question: Is Lindzi more jealous of Courtney's fish, or Courtney's time with Ben? And why is Courtney still holding said fish? That's a gold-medal stream, gals. Catch-and-release. Which is pretty much what Courtney is planning on doing with Ben.

Okay, Ben kinda made up for his weak-sauce date with Rachel by being straight-up with Samantha. Solid performance.

Darn Kacie is SO CUTE. And Ben admitted he's "in trouble" with her. Yay for trouble! It's good trouble. We just want her to stay calm. Which, one admits, is hard when he comes downstairs and next thing is off canoodling with Courtney, who's being a master manipulator and playing the sad and needy card. Darn, there's a whole set of social skills I never picked up.

BatchBen #4: Well, at least Utah is interesting

Poor Kacie. So many feelings, so soon. Can't bear to watch somebody else spend time with her Ben, and most of all wouldn't want to see him go up in a HELICOPTER with another...Wait! Look! A helicopter! For Rachel Bangs.

Utah, you're lookin' FABULOUS in the fall. Resolution: I'm not going to go inside the house at all next fall. Especially after I win that HGTV dream home along the Provo River! Or Danny and Michelle, if you win it, I'm assuming you'll let me stay.

Mmm...this isn't going well. Without champagne to cover the awkward silences, I'm not sure what they'd do. At least I have the viewer tease that if she doesn't get the rose she'll be CRUSHED. Yippee! Something interesting might happen! But shoot, no--somebody he's going to send home eventually instead gets to stick around longer so she can feel worse when it finally does happen.

Breaking News: And the next Bachelorette is...

Emily.
http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/01/18/emily-maynard-named-next-bachelorette-brilliant-or-bored-now/

The family bag of reaction, via email summarized here, is mixed:
Jill, diplomatically and with admirable journalistic ethics, broke the news and then made no further comment. I called it a snooze and was irritated at Emily for shattering any illusion I might have harbored that she was Better Than All This. Danny called her hot but boring, Michelle countered that Brad, not Emily, was the source of the boring (certainly true), and said she thought Emily would be great because she's real and the producers would outdo themselves casting the guys. She also registered disapproval of her husband's "grade A babe" comment. Cheryl gives Emily the "I'm not hopping mad, I'm hopping disappointed" lecture for crying about the media attention in the wake of the Brad breakup and then...stepping right back in front of the cameras.

The discussion also got us Michelle's suggestion that as long as we're taking post-breakup candidates for Bachelor/ette, that Roberto should be the next Bachelor. Take that, also-rans. I also suggested we keep an eye on Ashley of the Emily-Based Insecurity and JP or JR or JD or whatever his name was. They WILL break up, and it WILL be during Emily's run as the Bachelorette, which Ashley will certainly watch every minute of, and then dissolve into a heap of "They all wanted HER" weeping every Monday night, followed closely by "I know YOU really wanted HER" weeping, followed by...said breakup. You can take that to the bank.

BatchBen #3: The Party-Crash

AHA! Chris Harrison, you mad manipulator, you. NOW we know why Brittney left. You must've started pumping subliminal "something's wrong here" messages into her head at night so she'd leave voluntarily and open up a spot for...Shawntel! Who has "super-strong" feelings for Ben. Even though they've met only in passing through the Bachelor/ette fraternity mixers. Perhaps all her other relationships are with the equally unaware and unresponsive funeral parlor clientele, so she thinks that's normal.

Courtney is odd.

Question: As Shawntel was walking in, and a number of girls were heard to say "Who are you?" did anyone else, along with me, say "Who are YOU?" Seriously. I still don't know who half these girls are. But I definitely want them all there, because it adds spectacularly to the size of the crowd just standing there, maybe 10' away, watching Shawntel and Ben sit on the chaise. They could've done more with camera angles to play that up.

Elyse, the personal trainer, who got personally crashed by Shawntel's arrival, needs to work on her angry face in front of the mirror. That's not going to look good in another 15 years.

WHY did they all not turn on Chris when he walked in? Shawntel clearly threw him to the lions when she explained how she'd gotten there. WHAT is his magic power? Ah! I've got it! He's the Bachelor Adjustment Bureau!

And despite the high drama, it ends well. Don't worry, Shawntel. You'll get another shot after he breaks up with whoever he ends up choosing. Erika, don't you worry either. We know it wasn't The Bachelor that made you faint. Jaclyn...well, maybe you should worry. Whenever you come out of the bathroom.

Ew. Did you see the credits? I think we know now why Erika went home. Scratch that "don't worry." We're definitely worried ABOUT you.

BatchBen #3: Lindzi's consolation date

I guess since I didn't know who Brittney was, I won't miss her much after her bail-out. Ben seems glad to have spent the evening anyway with Lindzi, Choice #2. I'm already tired of her chin-tucking, though. And the way she seemed super-impressed that Ben had a key to city hall, which he did nothing whatsoever to acquire. And the way her previous one true love was the kind of 15-year-old dope who'd say "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you." She really seems like a nice girl, but something's off here.

BatchBen#3: Bikini skiing, or why Ben doesn't have a chance

Surprise! Ben is SUPER excited about today's group date! What could be more fun for ALL of us than bikini skiing?!? (Anybody notice the little kids watching along the side? Mothers, where are you?) Actually, seeing the previews for this one I thought Kacie B. was dead meat--nice girl went on a nice hometown date, enjoyed wholesome recreational activities, and then gets filed in the drawer somewhere behind bikini skiing. But I think all the trips down the hill she wound up taking backwards and bent over should keep her in the running. And she did a real brave job of not showing how much her tailbone hurt while she was walking around with Ben.

And after that kind of quality time spent together, he's certainly better equipped to choose a good candidate for forging a life together. So after much consideration, the rose goes to Rachel, who really "opened up" on this date. Oh, she opened up, all right. I'll tell you what she opened up.

BatchBen #3: Emily's (yawn) "face your fears" date

Ben seems to have his chances pretty well figured out. During the meet-up with his sister, did anybody else notice that shoulder shrug that went with "I hope it works out"? Place your bets with the body language, gals. Especially when they both voluntarily use manipulative producer-generated activities as metaphors for romance. "If we can climb the bay bridge together, there's nothing we can't do!" This happens every time, right? Some face-your-fears horrible thing that two people who barely know each other endure together and click! they bond. I think the same thing happens with people in a train accident. In this case, it's happening with Emily, the Ph.D. student, and Ben, the decreasingly impressive bachelor.

Tip: If you ever get on a reality show, be sure you LIE on the part of the questionnaire where they ask what your biggest fear is.

BatchBen #2: Crazy Crying Cocktail Party

So, does the serving of cocktails automatically make an event a "party"? Aren't parties supposed to be things people want to go to, where they have "fun" with "friends" and share a "good time"? Machiavelli himself could not have designed a more effective torture chamber. And then you add that the victims go into it VOLUNTARILY, and even COMPETE with each other for the opportunity? Evil genius!

I thought Jenna would get a producer push-through tonight, but not even they could paper over her performance. Better luck on the Bachelor Pad, sweetie! I'm sure that'll work out great. The other no-go, Red-Dress Girl whose name I can't remember, will probably have to find her own true love without TV help. Just like the rest of us.

How'd you do on your fantasy league picks? How are your favorites faring? How much would you pay somebody to just blow the lid of the whole mess to Ben?

BatchBen #2: Courtney's date

I suspect the conversation they showed us was typical of most of the date: "I'm really glad you're here today." "Me too." "I'm really excited." "I'm super excited too." "This is going to be fun." "Yeah, really."

FORESHADOWING!! He actually said "It's almost too good to be true." Multiple times. Shall we say it together? IT'S NOT. All she's doing is repeating everything he says. (Note: A very effective skill, especially when you have a cute upper lip and remind people that you're a model.) Count on it: "Too good to be true" will be a central theme for many episodes.

BatchBen #2: The Group Date

Looks like we're going to have TWO vixens this time! Courtney I'm-a-Model and Blakely Jugs. I'd advise Ben to listen to the kids--the ones they don't like, he shouldn't like either. They're seeing who's real and fake and aren't distracted by...things. Evidence: I LOVE the way they made Blakely zip those puppies up inside the Gingerbread Man costume. Blakely: 0. Kids: 2.

Jill and Cheryl--something about Blakely's teeth and cheekbones reminds me of Julie Stephens. Are you seeing it, too? Nothing against Julie, who is actually a good person.

And the rose goes to Blakely, the one who made the most of our time "in conversation." He actually said that. Conversation.

BatchBen #2: Kacie B's date

Props to Ben for picking one of my early gold stars for his first date, who earned my highly valued rating by being "very real" and "not overflowing her dress." Hey--we don't have much to work with on first appearances. She confirmed my assessment by a) going off-script when she spotted the baton and b) recognizing that baton-twirling is an embarrassing skill to have. And what were producers thinking, letting him bond with a home-town girl in his home town, with home movies, on his first date? Shucks. This thing might be all over. She's great. We like?

BatchBen #1: The Cast

So let's see what kind of an "experience" Beaming Ben is in for, based on what we can gather about these women in their selectively edited five minutes of fame. So that they have more money available for candles, producers of The Bachelor clearly do not hire scriptwriters to help these girls with their opening lines. You're on your own here, gals. And we'll start the liquor flowing before you even get there to help you feel freer about saying things that will make you want to crawl under the sofa when you watch at home. Here they are, in the order in which they disembarked from their shrieking, giggling limos:

Rachel: Bangs and blonde. I appreciate the bangs, but...don't remember anything else.
Erika: Law student, with the line about sentencing him GUILTY of being hot. Or something like that.
Amber "Bacon": Wanna taste of my bacon? Super-awkward, and headed straight home.
Elyse: A personal trainer who will "make you sweat."
Jenna: The drinking started VERY early for this one, who was already clearly unstable before she got in the car. Then she fumbled her line (quoting his memorable quip from the end of last season), went inside and whipped herself about it to any/everybody who would listen, then attacked a girl who said she didn't actually "feel" anything yet for a guy she'd just met but would stick around anyway, tattled about it to any/everybody who would listen, dissolved into tears, and wound up at the rose ceremony with her nose still visibly red. Yup, that was a producer keep, and I wager she'll make it another week. But the good news is that we have our first cast member of this season's Bachelor Pad!
Courtney: The designated "I'm not here to make friends" contestant. A model who loves the way the label instantly makes her hotter. She'll definitely expose Ben's shallower side ("That is a pret-ty guurl") and be around for a good while.
Emily: PhD in epidemiology with all the hand sanitizer and the talk about disease that had something to do with catching the right thing from the right person. Eek. And a closet rapper. (Different from a closet-wrapper.)
Samantha: A pageant girl who insisted she's so much more than that, but had the sash to make sure no one could ever see it.
Casey: In the see-through dress, who just said "I'll see you inside" and not much else. Apparently, she didn't need much else.
Amber T: The double-entrance. "Now you've seen me twice!" Which was enough for him, it seems.
Holly's Hat: Who entered wearing Holly and keeping the glare off Holly's Boobs. The four of them left together, as well.
Jamie: No line, so I love her already. Just a polite introduction, how are you, pleased to meet you, see you inside. And bless him, it worked. She gets a star in my entry book.
Shira: How many women have said they know ALL about wine as soon as they meet him, and then...don't. However many that is, add one. Then send her home to get something eat. Quickly.
Blakely: That is one tall drink of water. Duly noted by Ben, apparently, and retained for further evaluation.
Brittney's Grandma: Who was happy to meet Ben and then headed straight in for drinks! Oh--and then there's Brittney. Would she be there at all without Gran?
Nicki: With her super-classy sparkly cleavage-spillage-free dress, who also entered without a cheesy line. I love her best.
Diana: Brought the giggles out of the limo with her, escalated to hysteria, forgot her line (probably a mercy) then made the oh-so-wise decision to blindfold a guy she wants to remember her. Oops. See ya.
Jennifer: Accountant who ran through "the numbers" with him. Number of rose ceremonies she'll see? I'm guessing...two. Tops.
Lindsey the English Girl: Apparently an English accent doesn't work magic for everybody.
Anna: Who skipped the opening line for an opening routine, by walking by silently with a little wave. I think their next words might've been "Goodbye. Good luck."
Monica: Already misses her dog. After a day? I don't recall any of the single moms expressing the same sentiment about their children. She did relish watching Lindsey spin out of control, so she's not ALL about loving fragile creatures.
Jaclyn: I don't remember a darn thing, except a note that she's an ad account rep. Go advertising!
Shawn: Worst dressed. That green grab-everything dress with the bustle WAS her opening line. And her bottom line.
Kacie B: Very real, and not overflowing her dress. She gets another of my early gold stars.
Lindzi: I liked her in her opening interview, but the horse entry was lame, and talking about how she's been riding her whole life reveals a seriously indulged high-maintenance woman. Any doubt? Check the spelling of her name. Here's hoping that first impression rose doesn't carry her too far.

So good luck with this, Ben. Any other thoughts or observations? How long do you think it'll be before somebody picks up on his thing with hummingbirds being a token of his deceased father and starts wearing hummingbird pins and headbands and earrings and slipping drawings under his bedroom door? Who'll go far? Who'll go farther than she should? Who are you rooting for?

BatchBen #1: "I Know This Experience Can Work!"

I think it's nice to begin a new season with a healthy dose of optimism and hope. But the cynic in me wants to parse his words a bit:
1. "Know"-- Sure, if you're mindful enough about your usage of all the other words in the sentence, go for it.
2. "Experience" -- One step above "journey." This is a nice broad word, and so certainly correct. It will be...an experience, certainly.
3. "Can"-- I believe the usage here is the same as in "With enough hard work, you can do anything you want." That's a sweet thing to say to children with big dreams or adults with little bitty ones, but the reality is that there are certain inescapable limitations. In Ben's case, it's the collection of women picked out for him by producers of mass-market entertainment and not allowed to interact with him in any sort of normal fashion. Face it, buddy, it's a death march, and I hope your use of "can" is surrounded by asterisks.
4. "Work"-- Ah, here's a big net. "Work" as in find two soul mates? Well, that's one option. "Work" as in make me famous so I can find better babes? Another. Work as in sell more bottles of wine? Another. "Work" as in teach me important life lessons and otherwise unknowable things about myself independent of the person I end up choosing? You just stay optimistic, there, li'l buddy.

So what do you think about our hapless bachelor? Too good for this? Or does participation automatically downgrade a person from the start? What fatal character flaws do we see dooming this whole thing from the start? Or is he The One?